


Red Vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Part 3

by IeshaFox



Series: Red Vs. Blue [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Comedy, Novelization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-06
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-25 05:28:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 34,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4948426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IeshaFox/pseuds/IeshaFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through the teleporters the group go, leaving Sheila and Donut alone with Tex, revived, and inside a robot that fits her old armor color. Now it's off to track down O'Malley.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Best Laid Plans

Blood Gulch was a boxed  
canyon that had recently been  
vacated. All but three people, and a  
tank, had been left behind, just in  
case things had gone wrong.  
Freelancer Agent Texas, clad  
in a black-armored robot's  
body. Sheila was the voice system  
for the tank that had been owned by the  
Blue team, which was half of those whom  
had left. Then, there was Donut.  
He was on the Red team, left  
behind with his pink armor, to be with the  
girl whom had stuck a grenade  
to his head, and in turn, he'd  
killed.  
Donut stood over a Blue  
soldier that was lying on the ground,  
his face in the dirt of the canyon.  
Blue soldier, Private  
Tucker, was moaning in pain.  
"Come on mister blue guy, you  
gotta wake up. Wake up."  
Donut had said, he had lost count  
of how many times he'd attempted  
to wake the soldier. But, as the  
day wore on and on, Tucker did  
not rouse.  
"It hurts." he moaned,  
letting his eyes open a fraction.  
"Just let me die."  
Tucker had been run over by a  
strange alien vessel their  
nemesis, O'Malley, had  
been driving.  
"You can't die, I'm bored!  
All these girls wanna talk about  
is chick stuff, and not the fun  
chick stuff like ribbons and  
unicorns." Donut protested,  
looking down at the soldier.  
"I don't have treads, but I  
often find them staring at things they  
really shouldn't be." Tex  
emphasized how much the "they" she  
was referring to, was not supposed  
to be doing, whatever it was she was  
talking about. Something that bored  
Donut immensely, as he'd just  
said.  
"You see?" Donut said, his  
point proven. "Boring stuff like  
oppression, and a hostile work  
environment."  
"Get Doc, I need Doc."  
Tucker ordered, letting himself  
roll onto his side. Doc was  
a purple-armored medic, a  
pacifist, being possessed by a very  
violent AI.  
In the past few days, a lot  
of crazy things had happened. Doc  
had arrived, and the battle between the  
Reds, and the Blues had intensified,  
including accidental sabotage via  
a robot's body, ghosts entering  
the head of the most brain-dead soldier  
in the canyon, and the trading of  
prisoners for robot bodies.  
One of the robot bodies was being  
possessed by the Freelancer as of this  
current moment.  
"I can't. He got possessed  
by that evil guy and they escaped."  
Donut argued, looking down at  
Tucker. "He's the one that shot  
you. Don't you remember?"  
"I know." Tucker groaned,  
"I want him to shoot me again."  
"Now now now, sounds like someone's  
got a case of the "poor me's."  
If you were gonna die you would have  
done it by now! Maybe you just need  
to realize, you're gonna have to live  
with intense pain." Donut said  
sternly.  
"Get that Sarge guy, have him  
make me a new body." Tucker  
said.  
"We can't. We're out of parts  
because we overused that joke. And  
Sarge left with the others to chase  
Doc. But don't you worry, they  
left a long time ago, so I'm  
sure they'll be back any minute.  
Simmons had a fool-proof plan  
to catch him."  
Meanwhile, in some sort of  
Nexus of an area, surrounded  
by many teleporters, Simmons  
looked to the red walls.  
"Hellooooo," he called out.  
"Hello? Is anybody here?"  
Finally, he stopped, and looked  
to the ground. "Just great. I guess  
we all got separated in the  
teleporter."  
Simmons began to turn on his  
radio, and call out to who ever was on  
the other end. "Sarge. This is  
Simmons 2.0, do you read me?  
Apparently your plan to chase  
Lopez and Doc has failed  
miserably. I appear to be stuck  
in some kind of nexus of  
teleporters, which could take me  
anywhere in the Universe."  
Simmons, a cyborg in maroon  
armor paused. "Or it's a janitor's  
closet, the hell I don't  
fucking know, Sarge, are you there,  
Sarge!"  
Sarge, along with Michael J.  
Caboose, stood in a stream on  
an unknown planet.  
"Hello, anyone! Do you read  
me? Do I read you? Anyone?"  
Sarge was also radioing someone, but  
he wasn't sure he had a proper  
connection. "Anybody? Nobody?  
Okay." he shut off his radio,  
and turned to Caboose. "Well,  
I don't think the others are coming.  
They must have gotten separated  
somehow."  
"My toes, are getting  
pruny." Caboose stated, this  
having nothing relevant to their  
current situation.  
"O'''kay. Why don't we  
try to find O'Malley?" Sarge  
started off, Caboose following.  
"I know where you can find  
O'Malley. He lived inside  
my helmet for a while, maybe he  
left an address to send his mail.  
We were like roommates." Caboose  
stated.  
"Sounds like he took some of the  
furniture when he left. And the  
carpet. And the drapes. And I  
wouldn't expect to get that deposit  
back. If you know what I mean."  
Sarge said.  
"Sergeant. Look! A sleeping  
person!" Caboose said, stopping  
at the sight of a Blue soldier  
outside of a base.  
"What? Holy macaroon."  
Sarge had seen him too. He  
kneeled down beside the body. "He's  
not sleeping son," Sarge sighed,  
standing. "He's dead."  
"Oh good. At first, I thought that  
was me. Because, I am blue. And,  
I like to sleep. But, if he is  
dead that cannot be me. That would be  
silly." Caboose looked down  
at the fallen soldier.  
"No doubt he was killed by our very  
enemy, once again I find myself  
torn. On the one hand, there's one  
less blue in the Universe. But  
now Doc's got a bigger body  
count than me! And that just won't do.  
No sir. Rest in peace," Sarge  
scowled at the soldier before adding,  
"Scumbag."  
"Look," Caboose called,  
having run to the back of the base  
to see more fallen soldiers, some  
Red, and some Blue. "More sleeping  
people! It must be nap time. But who  
has nap time now? Nap time comes  
before pants time, not after. I think these  
people are just making up times."  
"What the Samuel Helsinki  
happened here? There must have been an  
enormous battle." Sarge said,  
looking at the dead soldiers,  
"Hello! Is anyone okay?!  
Are there any survivors?  
Preferably any red survivors?  
Don't let that discourage you from  
speaking up if you're Blue, I  
won't step on your neck or  
anything like that." Sarge called out  
to the area.  
"Am I allowed to answer?"  
Caboose asked slowly.  
"Shh quiet. You hear that?"  
In the background, a trumpet  
was blaring a familiar song. One  
familiar to Sarge, who _ had  
previous military experience.  
"Yes. That noise is called  
water. It is very wet, and very  
sloshy," Caboose began  
to explain.  
"I was talking about the trumpet,  
bluetard." Sarge said.  
"I have to go to the bathroom now for  
some reason. Which is odd, because I  
already went when we were standing in the  
creek together."  
"Wait a minute I know that  
song," Sarge said, finally  
recognizing the tune "t's  
Reveille. But why would someone be  
playing Reveille in the middle of  
a,"  
Sarge was interrupted as all  
of the fallen Blue soldiers leaped  
up, as if being animated by something.  
"Sweet jibbly jiblets!"  
Sarge shouted as they began to whoop,  
and cheer  
"Running time!"  
The soldiers began to hustle about  
as Sarge and Caboose began  
to run off.  
"Hut hut hut hut hut hut  
hut hut hut hut hut hut,"  
they cried as they pushed by both  
Caboose and Sarge in a rush  
to get to their respective bases.  
"Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho  
ha ya ho ya yo yuh!"  
After the soldiers had all cleared  
out of the outside area, Sarge finally  
asked, "What just happened here."  
"I think all the sleepy people were  
trying to ke,"  
"That was rhetorical." Sarge  
interrupted before Caboose could state  
the obvious, like he already had many  
times already.  
"Yeah, go blue team!" called  
a blue soldier from inside the  
Blue base.  
The Blue team began to yell and  
to chant something Sarge could not understand.  
"Get over here, give me a  
boost!" he ordered Caboose.  
"Okay." Caboose obediently  
stepped forward, and instead of doing what  
Sarge had said, he remarked, "You  
are a good person, and people say nice  
things about you."  
"Not a morale boost, moron,  
a physical one. I need to see  
what's in that window."  
"That window is very high. I  
don't think you are tall enough."  
Caboose said, and Sarge sighed  
in frustration. This would be a long day  
if he couldn't find a way out of this  
place.  
"I know, I need you to help me  
look through it." Sarge said.  
"I don't think I am tall  
enough either. Also, my head is round, that  
window is square."  
"Come here, you." Sarge said,  
and picked Caboose up, lifting  
him high enough to look through the window  
high above them.  
"I'm gonna kill me a red,  
and when I get him I'm gonna  
chop his guts out I'm going to eat  
'em right there." called a soldier.  
"Whoa." Caboose shivered as  
he peered through the window.  
"What do you see?"  
"I see, a room." Caboose  
said.  
"And? What's in the room?"  
"There are some walls, and some  
ceilings. Wait, just one ceiling."  
"What's making that racket?"  
"Kill the reds, kill the reds,  
kill the reds, kill the reds, kill  
the reds!" came the chatter, and  
Caboose shook his head.  
"You are not going to like it.  
"Caboose, I have a very bad  
feeling abo," Sarge was interrupted  
was more trumpet music, and the  
soldiers all yelled in unison,  
"CHARGE!"  
Sarge let Caboose down,  
back to the ground.  
"What's that?"  
A fire fight had begun as  
battle cries were heard, and Reds  
and Blues emerged from their  
respective bases.  
"Come on Caboose, we gotta  
get to higher ground!" Sarge called  
over the monotonous gunfire.  
Sarge and Caboose ran off,  
looking for higher ground.  
"Yeah I love reloading,  
I love to reload!" called a  
soldier.  
"Oh, back of the head!" the  
soldier crumpled as an enemy  
smashed the back of his head with his  
gun.  
"Tell my girlfriend that I love  
her." he cries.  
"She's my girlfriend now bitch!"  
the Red soldier taunted, running  
off.  
"Come on Caboose!" Sarge  
called as they began to climb a  
ladder, very conveniently placed  
actually.  
"Sarge, I am scared of our  
new friends."  
Sarge spotted something ahead of  
them, and stopped, "Hot Sonny  
Bono, what's going on here?"  
he asked, looking at the Red  
soldier that had just come from the Blue  
base. In his hands, he held high  
above his head, the Blue flag.  
"Stop fighting, stop fighting  
everyone, stop fighting!" he cried,  
and everyone did so. "Everyone,  
everyone, look unto me! I  
possess the blue flag!"  
"It's more beautiful than I ever  
imagined!" a Red soldier cried,  
gaping at the flag. Sarge had  
to admit, he sounded somewhat like  
Simmons.  
"I have seen to the top of the mountain!  
And you will worship me as though I were  
a God!"  
A moment passed, then four  
Blue soldiers mobbed him,  
shooting him, and taking him down. He  
bore the flag no more.  
"I regret nothing! I lived  
as few men dare to dream!" he  
cried, his eyes closing.  
The soldiers took a tentative  
glance from each other, to the fallen  
Red, then back to each other. And  
after another moment of silence, they,  
the remaining soldiers of this little  
skirmish of insanity, began  
to fight once more.  
A red soldier slammed the  
butt of his gun against a Blue  
guy's head, "Hell yeah!" he  
cried in triumph. But, his  
euphoria was short-lived. "Oh  
no!" he shouted as he was taken  
down by a Blue soldier knocking  
him to the ground.  
"Head shot!" the Blue soldier  
cheered, but was shot in the feet by a  
rocket, to which he responded,  
"Oh, you rocket-whore!"  
"Hey I got some, you want  
some? I got some for you! Come on  
you!" called another Blue soldier.  
"The only good blue is a dead  
blue!"  
"Christ this water's cold!"  
called a soldier. He'd been in  
the stream.  
Two soldiers stood and crouched  
in an alternating pattern of  
fire, returning fire to each  
other. First one would stand, and then the  
other once they had fired, but when  
one fired, the other hid. The  
Blue soldier of the duel was soon  
hit with a grenade.  
"Weak! You took my kill!"  
"I didn't see your name on  
it!" called another Red soldier,  
who was thus hit by a Blue behind a  
rock. "Oh you fucking camping  
bitch!"  
"It's a legitimate  
strategy! Whoa!"  
This soldier was then shot by another  
hidden soldier.

"Damn!" cried a Red  
soldier, "Hey blue, we're  
the only two left! Let's work  
together!"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I'm coming out!  
"Okay, I'm coming out too!"  
called a hidden Blue soldier.  
They met up at the edge of the  
stream.  
"What did you mean we could work as  
a team?" asked the Blue soldier  
in confusion.  
"I bash you in the head with my  
rifle and you die. Good teamwork you  
fucking noob. Good game, good  
game everybody! GG man,  
GG." As the soldier he had  
bashed in the face with his gun fell  
to the ground, he was also knocked to the  
ground by something unseen.  
"I have no earthly idea what it  
is I just saw, or what this place  
is, or where in the Hell  
O'Malley is! My only  
choice is to blame Grif, for coming  
up with such a flawed plan.  
Stupid, stupid Grif." Sarge  
said.  
"I am so confused." Caboose  
stated. "Where is Church? I need  
Church to tell me what to think.  
Church could handle this. He can handle  
anything!" Sarge looked down as  
Caboose spoke.  
Meanwhile, on Sidewinder,  
the planet made entirely out of  
ice, Church and Dexter Grif  
had been imprisoned. Church was  
a cobalt robot, or a spirit,  
if one were to get technical. He  
had been killed by a runaway  
tank, as Caboose put it. But,  
Caboose was the one driving the  
tank, thus pinning the blame on  
him. Grif was a regular soldier,  
no robotic body necessary. He  
wore orange armor.  
"Hey asshole," Church  
called through the bars of his jail  
cell. "For the last time, LET  
ME OUTTA THIS GOD DAMN  
JAIL CELL!"  
Church rattled the bars in  
irritation as he yelled this.  
"Yeah, let him out. He's  
driving me nuts!" Grif said,  
looking at Church.  
"Oh shut up, red, nobody  
asked you." Church countered, glaring  
at his temporary partner.  
"I should have never listened  
to Donut's stupid fucking plan."  
Grif groaned as they stood in  
their imprisonment.  
All they were looking for was someone  
to blame. And in fact, they were  
looking in the wrong direction.  
It was neither Grif, nor Donut  
whom had formulated this plan.  
But, Church knew that the only  
person to blame for this whole thing  
was O'Malley, the AI that had  
lived in Tex's head for so long.  
And now, his transfer to Doc,  
a medical officer in Violet  
armor, had escaped to whom knew  
where, and their trek had brought them all  
to different places.  
Though, Church refrained from  
telling Grif this. He thought  
he'd let Grif find out on his  
own. For now, it was just himself, and the  
Red soldier on a planet of  
ice, trying to pass the time.


	2. Visiting Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sarge is concerned about where they have been teleported to, and Simmons may have a plan to find them. Meanwhile, somewhere else, someone's doing something rather suspicious.

Simmons stood in front of  
one of the many teleporters in his  
current location, the one he'd  
deduced as a janitor's closet.  
"Okay, let's see, if I  
wire this thing in to that, maybe I could  
signal boost on that thing there,"  
Simmons muttered, attempting  
to work out the enigmatic mechanism.  
"I might just be able to get that to work."  
A projection of Sarge, and  
Caboose appeared before him, both  
of the soldiers shooting insanely.  
"Caboose, keep them away from  
me! Get that one. And that one. No  
no, the one with the limp! Get 'im!"  
Sarge was yelling at Caboose.  
"Sarge, is that you?" Simmons  
asked, not sure if he was seeing  
things correctly.  
"I don't want to kill, but,  
I don't want to die even more."  
"Caboose, can you hear me!?"  
Simmons shrugged in confusion.  
They were right there! How could they not  
see him?!  
"Yes, I heard you Sergeant."  
"I didn't say anything,  
numbnuts." Sarge said bluntly.  
"Caboose, we have to break this never  
ending cycle of attack and  
retaliation, either by A, convincing the  
two sides to live in peace, or  
B, by getting ourselves completely  
involved, and kicking some serious  
ass! I vote B." Sarge said,  
his plan formulated in his head.  
"I have a plan Sergeant, but we  
will have to move quick. Listen," he  
began whispering to Sarge. The only  
words have said, however were just the action.  
"Do you think that will work?" he asked  
after a pause.  
"That's your plan? All you said was  
"whisper whisper whisper.`" he  
replied.  
"I know. I just wanted to be the  
one with the plan for once."  
"Hgggh, come on. I have an  
idea."  
MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE  
"This sucks man. I have to do  
everything around here. Go guard the  
wall, Phil. Go paint the jeep  
Phil. Go do everything Phil. This  
sucks." a soldier complained, standing  
next to a wall in an unknown  
hallway.  
"What was that?" the soldier asked,  
hearing the small cat-like drop  
onto the ground behind him. He  
turned, and scoffed, seeing nothing.  
"It's nothin', just that stupid,  
sucky wind. Breaking a twig,  
coming up behind me and, breathing, real  
heavy." This time, he spotted the  
figure when he surveered his  
surroundings. "What the'"  
"Hello, mate." a thick  
English accent answered, just before a  
fist slammed into his face.  
Some time later, the soldier was not  
sure how long, he opened his eyes,  
and looked up at his captor. A  
gun was against his neck, and he was on  
his knees.  
"Oh man, this sucks, what's  
going on?" the soldier asked.  
"Right, here's the way this works.  
I ask you a question, you tell me an  
answer. One question, one answer." his  
captor said. "I don't get the  
answer I like, we've got a  
problem. And if we've got a  
problem, you've got a problem. That  
clear?"  
"Okay, just don't hurt me!  
I'm a single parent."  
"Splendid, that's the attitude  
old chap. Now, first question. Where are  
you hiding the plans?"  
The soldier looked confused at this  
strange man.  
The man's phone began to ring, but  
he played it off. "Mhm, ahem.  
Right. Where, are you hiding, th," he  
stopped. "Right. Need to get that, one  
second."  
He turned away, keeping his  
gun where it was.  
"Hello?" he answered his  
phone. "Yes, this is he speaking.  
Oh hello! Yes, right. Oh  
bugger. Spell that with a T or an  
F, do you? Thought you said something  
else. No, I'll get right on  
it."  
"Getting bored," the soldier,  
named Phil, remarked.  
"Right. Usual fee," the man  
continued, not paying attention to his  
captive. "He won't be a  
problem. No, I'll nip that one for  
you straight away. Right. Say  
hello to mum for me. Cheerio."  
He ended the call, and turned  
back to Phil.  
"Now, where were we?" he asked,  
a small smile playing across his  
lips. "Ah yes. Looks like it's  
your lucky day, mate."  
"Oh, thank God!" Phil said,  
coming to the wrong conclusion.  
"Don't have time to torture you,  
so I'm just going to have to kill you."  
"Uh-oh man this sucks!"  
Phil said, just before he was shot in  
the head.  
"Yeah, I'm gonna kill  
everybody!"  
"Get the flag, get the flag,  
get the flag. Get the fucking  
flag!"  
"We must protect this house!"  
Battle Creek was utter chaos  
as Red soldiers milled about the  
house they'd 1taken refuge within.  
"We must protect this house!"  
many Red soldiers took up the  
chant.  
"We must protect this house! This  
is our house!"  
"Um, guys, look, where's  
our flag?" A Red soldier  
asked, breaking up the rally of  
cheers, and orders.  
"No."  
Many of the soldiers inhaled  
sharply.  
"The flag is gone?"  
"What will we do?"  
"If the flag is gone, who will  
lead us? Who will inspire us with their  
shiny pole? Who will flag  
directions to us in battle? We are  
lost, and the world as we knew it is  
gone forever from our eyes, only  
to live in our memories as the days  
of salad and glory! Truly these  
are the end of times! Repent!  
Repent!"  
"This sucks, I'm leaving."  
"Yeah,"  
"Yay. Great."  
The Red and Blue soldiers ran  
out of their respective bases, and out  
into the middle of the area.  
Above these soldiers stood Sarge  
and Caboose.  
"Oh blue team. Look what  
I have." Sarge called down,  
holding up the Blue flag.  
"Oh blue team... Look  
what, wait, I messed up my  
line. Let's start over."  
"They have our flag!"  
"No they don't, they have our   
flag!"  
Red and Blue soldiers began  
to argue over the flag, not knowing they  
had both flags.  
"Listen you morons, you're  
gonna have to work for us now." Sarge  
said.  
"What's in it for us?"  
"Help us get out of here, and  
we'll give you back your flags.  
Then you can go back to senselessly  
killing yourselves." Sarge smiled at  
this comment.  
"Deal. Ha, sucker!"  
"Wait," a Blue soldier  
started, "Why don't we just kill you  
guys and take the flags back?"  
"Hmm. Yeah!" a Red soldier  
agreed.  
Sarge shook his head, and shot the  
Blue soldier to the ground, "Oh,  
you got owned. I saw it, fucking  
owned!" a Red soldier taunted.  
"Teams! Teams! Teams!"  
"Shut up! Teams are fine!"  
"Teams are fine! Teams are  
fine!"  
The Red and Blue soldiers  
raised their guns, and began to fire  
at each other once again, provoked  
by an unknown comment.  
"Caboose, I give up."  
Sarge sighed.  
"Wait. I can make them listen.  
I can beat them." Caboose said.  
"Son, what are you talkin' about?"  
"O'Malley taught me how  
to be mean." Caboose drew in a  
deep breath, "I, just, have, to,  
concentrate, on, bad, things. Like,  
milk. No wait, red, Red,  
Bull."  
"Son, I think you've really  
lost it. O'Malley's not in your  
head any more, he infected the  
Doc!" Sarge protested.  
"No," Acaboose shook his  
head, "I can feel him. I just need  
to get angry, and say, mean,  
things!"  
Sarge pondered this, and finally came  
to the conclusion that this plan would never work.  
Was it even a plan?  
"Like, uh, "Your brain is a  
mountain of hatred!" and," Caboose  
continued.  
"I never thought I'd reach the  
moment in my life when I actually  
missed Grif, but here it is."  
Sarge said, his hopes finally lost.  
"Now. I, am, thinking, about,  
kittens! Guh, kit-tens,  
covered, in, spikes. That makes,  
me, angry!" Caboose roared,  
almost like a predator. He leaped  
from the cliff he and Sarge stood  
upon, and landed in the middle of the  
battle that was occurring.  
"My name, is Michael J.  
Caboose! And I, hate,  
babies." Caboose cried,  
punching a soldier.  
"It's the beast! The anti-flag,  
come to live among us and rule us for  
seven years! The end is nigh!"  
called the Red soldier whom had  
been shot for grabbing the Blue  
flag. He was a Red zealo! if  
anything. "Yeooigh!"  
Caboose wasted no time, punching  
him in the face, and knocking him  
to the ground.  
"Yikes!"  
"Yowsah!"  
"OW!"  
Caboose shot a Red, then  
a Blue, and another Red soldier,  
continuing this chain.  
"Wee!"  
"Wow!"  
"Great Gustavo, what's goin'  
on down there?" Sarge asked,  
looking down upon the chaos.  
"Sarge, Caboose can you hear  
me?"  
Behind Sarge, a holographic  
projection of Simmons had  
appeared.  
"Simmons 2.0?" Sarge  
asked, not turning around.  
"I reconfigured the  
teleporter, to allow me  
to communicate with you. I need to get  
you guys outta there." Simmons  
reported.  
"Damn right we need to get  
outta here."  
"Get to your teleporter, and  
I'll see what I can do from here."  
Simmons said.  
"Okay!"  
Sarge looked down to the battle  
below, and wondered, how was he going  
to get Caboose to follow him.  
"And, Sarge?" Simmons said.  
"Yeah?"  
"It's really great to see you again."  
"Oh kiss my ass some other  
time." Sarge ordered.  
"Whatever you say, Sir."  
Simmons confirmed.  
Sarge climbed down the ladder,  
and ran for the base, calling out  
to Caboose as he went. "Come on,  
Caboose, before they wake up again!"  
Caboose was still yelling like a  
madman, which Sarge did not doubt  
he was.  
"I will eat your unhappiness."  
"Hurry up, Simmons."  
Sarge barked, having reached the  
teleporters.  
"Just give me a few more  
seconds over here, Sarge."  
"We don't have a few more  
seconds!" Sarge said.  
"Stop pressuring me! I rely  
on you for love and support!"  
Simmons protested.  
"Your toast has been burned,  
and no amount of scraping will remove  
the black parts." Caboose  
continued to yell.  
"Oh shut up, Caboose."  
Sarge ordered.  
"Okay there, come through now!"  
Simmons called.  
"Come on, Caboose!"  
Both Sarge, and Caboose  
run through the teleporter, just as the  
soldiers rise up, and begin  
anew the endless cycle of fighting.  
"Whoo. That was pretty close,  
huh?" Simmons said as Sarge  
and Caboose joined him wherever he  
was.  
"Simmons, you get an F in  
efficiency. But I have to give you an  
A+ in dramatic timing." Sarge  
complimented.  
"Thank you Sir. I've always  
felt that presentation is what  
matters most."  
"What happened? The last thing I  
remember was a very mean kitten. And  
then we were in this janitor's  
closet. And my throat hurts, a  
lot." Caboose looked around,  
obviously having snapped out of his  
ranting phase.  
"What was that weird place,  
Sarge?" Simmons looked back  
through the teleporter, just before the image  
faded away.  
"Simmons, I have absolutely  
no idea."  
Meanwhile, in a place called,  
Battle Creek, the place where the  
Red Zealot, and the other soldiers  
were fighting on an endless cycle, the  
aforementioned soldier spoke.  
"Well I guess it's back  
to basics, now! Get ready for  
destruction, Blues! We're  
gonna kick your ass! We have  
become death! Destroyer of whe- oh  
wait, hold on. I gotta take  
out the trash. I'll be right back."


	3. Let's Get Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More plans, more stuff to do, and things are not going as the Blood Gulch Crew has anticipated. Fair warning: Do not go to them for a plan. It'll crash and burn...

"Well, my metallic friend, your  
modifications are complete. And my  
plan is coming to frution. Frusi,"  
O'Malley stood atop a base  
in a cold climate, Lopez's  
head next to him.  
"Fru-Frutition. Fr,"  
"Fruition."  
Lopez said, but his words were in  
Spanish.  
"Oh, shut up."  
"Yes Master. Your plan is  
foolproof." Lopez continued,  
disregarding the order.  
"Now to bring together my enemies."  
O'Malley said, smiling to himself.  
A communicator began to ring  
in Vic's office, and he eamined a  
display. It said, "Out of area."  
"Oh dude, come on, you gotta  
be kidding me." he grumbled.  
"Hey dude, it's Vic. No  
solo mia, not in the casa right now,  
so leave a message and I'll  
call you back. Just leave your  
what's up at the yo, yo." Vic  
let his answering machine take care  
of the caller.  
"Vic, pick up, it's me," it  
was that one dude gone mad. This was  
evidenced by an evil laugh.  
"Oh hey, Doctor Baron  
von Evil Satan, what's up  
dude?" Vic answered the call.  
"Don't screen my calls,  
Vic."  
"Dude, you don't come up on  
caller ID I'm not just gonna  
answer anything," Vic started  
to protest.  
"Caller ID? I'm in hiding  
you baffoon! I'm trying to take  
over the universe!" O'Malley  
argued.  
"We're also on the Do Not Call  
List." Doc added.  
"Oh, shut up."  
"So how's that plot going dude?"  
Vic asked, disinterested.  
"Magnificent! I've called  
my bounty hunter in, and he'll  
take care of your little 'red and blue'  
problem post-haste." O'Malley  
laughed yet again.  
"Oh cool! Thanks for turning  
that around so quick, dude."  
"Ha."  
"I know you're swamped."  
"Then the universe will be mine and  
I'll crush every living soul in to dust,  
hahaha! Except for you of course  
Vic. I'll make you Assistant  
Crusher." O'Malley interjected  
his own plan.  
"Okay, dude. Looking forward  
to that."  
Meanwhile, in the area Simmons  
deduced as a janitor's closet,  
he explained things to Sarge, and  
Caboose.  
"And that brought you back here. So,  
theoretically one of these teleporters  
should transport us back to Blood  
Gulch, or anywhere else that we want to go. Do you understand?" Simmons  
looked to them.  
"Yes. No. What does  
thermoretically mean?" Caboose  
asked, looking at Simmons in  
confusion.  
"I probably could have saved a  
lot of time by telling you these things worked  
by magic." Simmons m"ttered.  
"I thought you told the story  
well. I liked all the parts with me  
in them."  
"Any idea which ones go where?"  
Sarge aasked, more intelligently.  
"Man um, not really. I found  
you two guys by accident. And I  
don't want to start using  
teleporters at random."  
Simmons said.  
"We should definitely take the  
green one." Caboose suggested.  
"Okay, be quiet now."  
"We've gotta find a way  
to contact them."  
Sarge's radio seemed  
to activate of its own accord.  
"Come in Sergeant Dude."  
Vic's voice came through his  
radio, "Hello, Sergeant  
Dude, are you there?"  
"Vic?"  
"Got some big news for you  
dude." Vic said.  
"Bad news Tucker. I just  
picked up a feed. You've been  
tagged."  
Tex, and Tucker stood, the  
latter having recovered enough to do so.  
"Tagged?" he asked in confusion.  
"That sounds bad. Unless it means  
something sexual, does it mean  
something sexual?"  
"It means something bad." Tex  
said.  
Tucker was not sure why she cared,  
but hey, she was a girl.  
"Oh, yeah like that's a  
surprise." Tucker groaned.  
"Someone's hired a Freelancer  
to take you out. Do you have any idea  
why?"  
"I can't say."  
"Keeping secrets? I find that  
attractive." Tex smirked at  
him.  
"You do?!" Tucker asked,  
astonished at this comment.  
"In attractive people, yeah."  
"Do you know who's after him?"  
Donut asked, looking from Tex  
to Tucker.  
"This guy I know from training.  
Name's Wyoming." Tex informed them.  
"Finally a name dumber than  
Donut!" Tucker remarked,  
laughing.  
"Hey!" Donut objected, and  
after a pause, he sighow "YEAH,  
okay."  
"Everybody in the division was  
paired with an AI, and codenamed  
for a State." Tex reported.  
"What was your codename, Tex?"  
Tucker glared at him.  
"Nevada." Tex said  
sarcastically.  
"One for each State? So there's  
fifty of you." Tucker stated.  
"Forty-nine, remember?"  
"Oh, yeah, that's right. Man.  
Poor Florida."  
A moment of silence passed,  
each of them bowing their heads in  
remembrance.  
"Okay, anyway." Tucker  
said, getting back to the subject  
at hand.  
"Well I'll make you a deal.  
I still owe you one. So if I take  
care of Wyoming, we're square.  
Deal?"  
"You realize that you wanna  
protect me from a guy who's trying  
to kill me. What am I gonna  
say, no?" Tucker looked at  
her quizzically.  
"I'll take that as a yes."  
Sarge, Simmons, and  
Caboose stood, pondering what their  
next move was, when Sarge had  
an idea.  
"Eureka's hammer," he  
exclaimed, "I've got it! I  
put a listening device in one of the  
suits of armor I built. We  
can use that to find out where they are."  
"But which one, Sarge? Isn't  
one a huge bomb?" Simmons  
said.  
"Heheheh." Sarge laughed  
before continuing, "Yeah, I wouldn't  
turn that on. Or maybe I should.  
That we could follow the enormous  
explosion and huge plumes of  
smoke, directly to them. It'd be  
just like a homing device. But Indian  
style."  
"I assume what you mean, sir,  
is directly to the crater that they  
left." Simmons corrected.  
Nobody would be alive after an  
explosion from a megaton bomb.  
"Though crudely delivered I  
see your point. Let's go with the  
listening device."  
"Great idea, sir." Simmons  
said loyally.  
"Yes, it was."  
"Can I push the button to make  
it go? Please?" Caboose asked,  
eager to be of some help, and more  
specifically, to hit a button.  
"Okay Caboose, but just this  
once." Sarge said, sighing.  
"Yay! Thanks."  
"What a little rascal." Sarge  
said and he laughed as Caboose  
hit the button in contentment.  
"I pushed the button."  
Caboose had returned  
to Simmmons' side, and he was  
not the happiest of soldiers.  
"Stay away from him, he's  
mine." Simmons grumbled.  
"Man, I hate this. This  
sucks."  
A voice came to them all,  
and Caboose jumped to identify its  
owner.  
"It's Church!"  
"I just wanna lay around and do  
nothing."  
"I think it's Grif!" Sarge  
identified another voice.  
"Right after I take this nice,  
warm, bubble-bath."  
"Donut."  
Both Simmons and Sarge  
named the third voice.  
"Let me see if I can lock  
on to that signal, Sarge. Okay,  
got it, go ahead."  
"Come in, Donut, come in,"  
Sarge said, calling through the  
teleporter, "Donut, do you read  
me? Come in,"  
"Sarge, you gotta help me!  
You left me with one blue, but now  
there are three!" Donut called.  
"Vic was right, it was a trap all  
along! Listen, Donut. Vic  
told me all about the blue plot.  
That fella Tucker is gonna  
make up things, craaazy things about  
Red and Blue. You can't listen  
to him, you just can't!" Sarge babbled  
on.  
"Sarge, what should I do?"  
"Don't let him catch on that you  
know. Just act like you normally do;  
wait, not like you, act like someone more  
brave. 'Not smarter. 'Not more  
masculine, for God's sake."   
"Okey-dokey Sarge."  
Donut confirmed.  
"He's a dead man,  
Simmons." Sarge muttered.  
"It's okay Sir, I thought that  
you two were getting too close  
anyway, and that's not good for the chain of  
command." Simmons assured,  
smiling.  
"Try to open a teleporter  
to them. I'll see if I can  
locate the other armor."  
"Yeah! More button pushing!"  
Caboose called, holding up a  
button.  
"Caboose don't touch that!"  
Simmons scolded.  
"This is the button to find  
Church!"  
Caboose determinedly hit the  
button, a grin on his face.  
"Uh oh. That's not gonna  
good." Sarge said.  
"Did he just do what I think he  
did?"  
"Church is going to be so happy  
with me!" Caboose did not  
realize what he actually did.  
In jail, Church and Grif were  
having a belching contest, something rather  
trivial for spending time in jail.  
"Nice. I bet I can beat  
it." Grif said as Church made  
an impressive belch.  
"Uhgow, I wonder what caused  
that." Church said, and he was the only  
one to not realize the metallic  
ticking that had started. It was coming from  
his own stomach.  
"Hey Church, do you know your  
stomach is ticking?"  
All Church could do was look at  
Dexter Grif in utter confusion.  
What the Hell? His stomach  
wasn't ticking, was it? No, it  
had to be something else!  
But, sure enough, the metallic  
ticking was coming from his own, unreliable  
gut.


	4. You're The Bomb, Yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seems to be going according to plan, on both sides of the coin, good and evil. But, there's one soldier oblivious to when the threat will come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to point out that this chapter has some of my favorite quotes of the season! You'll find them for yourself. They're not hard to miss...

"Guys I'm a red too, I'm  
a red! I don't even know this guy!  
Come on, let me out."  
Grif was shouting at their  
jailors, who paid no attention  
whatsoever.  
"Thanks for the support, Grif.  
Way to be a team player." Church  
grunted, shaking his head.  
"Hey, I gotta think about  
myself here." Grif protested.  
"There's no "I" in team,  
Grif." Church pointed out.  
"Yeah, there's no U either. So  
I guess if I'm not on the team,  
and you're not on the team, nobody's  
on the God damn team. The team  
sucks!" Grif shouted.  
"What I can't figure out is  
why the reds are still here. Tex already  
wiped out all the blues. Why  
wouldn't they just pull out?" Church  
asked nobody in particular,  
remembering his last time stationed on  
Sidewinder.  
"As someone who's taken orders  
from Red Command for the last three years,  
trust me, it's not that surprising."  
"Okay, we traced the bomb  
activation signal to Sidewinder.  
How much time do we have left  
Sarge?" Simmons asked. They  
still stood in the janitor's closet.  
"Everyone here is set  
to transport." Donut's voice  
came through a staticky radio.  
"I'm not going through that thing. I'm  
serious." Tucker's voice  
followed.  
"We need to get there as soon as  
possible. Did you set their  
teleporter to take them straight  
to Sidewinder?" Sarge asked,  
looking to Simmons.  
"I walked Donut through it. He  
says he did everything right, but I  
figure they have a fifty/fifty  
chance of ending up in Sidewinder, or  
in the middle of deep space."  
"What about us?" Sarge asked.  
"I programmed ours myself.  
We're fine." Simmons replied  
confidently.  
"I find the risks acceptable."  
"I never knew a Phillips  
screwdriver was the X one. Do you  
think it's named after a guy named  
Phillip? That guy Phillip must  
have a fucked-up-shaped head!"  
Donut babbled from his end of the  
teleporter.  
"Yeah. Screw this, I'm  
walking." Tucker replied,  
shaking his head.  
"Alright, then saddle up!  
Don't worry Grif and Church,  
here comes the cavalry! Hyaaaaa!  
Hyaaaaa," he ran through a  
teleporter, not the right one, and then  
emerged from one that was behind Caboose.  
He looked around in confusion as he  
said, "Oh!"  
"Uh sir? The teleporter I  
reprogrammed is over there."  
Simmons pointed to the teleporter.  
"Oh well, heads up  
evil-doers; here we come to save the  
diya-ah forget it, let's just go."  
Meanwhile, still in jail on  
Sidewinder, Church was attempting  
to endure the torture of Grif's  
poor, out of tune singing. Oh, how  
he wanted to punch the guy in the  
face so hard it knocked om  
unconscious. He wouldn't get  
very many insults if he did so  
either.  
"Nobody knows, the trouble I've  
seen. Nobody knows but Jesus."  
"Will you shut up?" Church finally  
asked, glaring at Grif.  
"You just can't face the fact that  
I've adjusted to life on the  
inside! I'm hard now!" Church  
was so glad Tucker was not there  
to add his usual phrase.  
"Please, give me a break."  
Church groaned.  
"As the prison bitch, I would not  
expect you to understand."  
Outside, in an unknown hall,  
something was happening. Both Grif  
and Church could hear the distinct sounds  
of gunfire, evidence of a fire  
fight outside their cell.  
"What's going on out there?"  
"Oh man, maybe our crew's  
come to bust us out of the joint. I  
don't know if I can live on the  
outside though any more Church. I'm  
all institutionalized and shit."  
"I don't know. Sounds like  
whoever's fighting them is winning. That  
can't possibly be our guys."  
Church left off the fact that their  
guys sucked beyond all belief, and  
would probably lose in seconds,  
or something along those lines.  
"Hey screw," Grif called  
over to a guard clad in armor that  
looked the color of salmon,  
"Aren't you gonna go help your  
buddies? Oink oink?"  
The soldier ran to a corner, and  
was almost immediately punched to the ground.  
Then footsteps. But, neither Church  
nor Grif could see their owner.  
Zntil he decloaked outside  
of their cell.  
"Hello Church."  
This man with the English accent,  
wearing armor that resembled Tex's,  
was Freelancer Agent Wyoming  
himself.  
"Wyoming? What're you doing  
here?" Church asked, looking at  
the Freelancer in confusion.  
"Been hired to do a job with your  
little friend Tucker. Seems he's  
discovered some information that someone else  
isn't happy about." Wyoming  
said formally.  
"Who's this kracker?" Grif  
asked, looking at Wyoming.  
"Naw, he's just some scumbag  
bounty hunter that was in the same  
division as Tex."  
"Ah yes, dear Tex. After  
I take care of your little friend  
Tucker, I'll be taking care of  
her as well."  
Church badly wanted to correct  
him that Tucker was not his, little friend.  
"When I get out of here," Church  
started.  
"But you won't. Everyone here is  
dead now. No one even knows where you  
are. So I suppose now you'll just  
have to starve to death. Hu-huh.  
Cheerio."  
And there it was, the pure evidence  
of a true scumbag, leaving him  
to rot in some stupid jail cell  
in a Red base, on Sidewinder.  
"We gotta find a way  
to escape, Grif." Church said  
as Woming disappeared, obviously  
cloaking himself once more, and running  
off.  
"If only we had bedsheets."  
Grif mused.  
"There's no window. What good is  
tieing together bedsheets gonna do us?"  
"Who said anything about tieing them  
together? I wanna take a nap.  
If I have to die of hunger, I  
wanna do it in my sleep."  
Grif said, correcting Church.  
Near the exact same moment,  
only in Blood Gulch, TexTucker, and Donut stood, ready to leave,  
with Sheila below them.  
"Good luck everyone, take care.  
I packed you all lunches for the  
trip." Sheila said.  
"Thanks Sheila, that was really  
nice of you."  
"Not really. All my bag had was  
an air filter and a thermos full  
of brake fluid." Donut  
commented, not understanding how this could be  
considered food.  
"Make sure to wash your  
exhaust pipes every day."  
First Tex, then Donut, ran  
through the teleporter, but Tucker  
lingered back to say his final fare  
wells to the tank. Also, he really  
did not want to go through the  
teleporter, no matter the  
reason.  
"Bye Sheila, we'll come  
back for you soon."  
"I'll be waiting."  
Tucker took a deep breath,  
then a second, and a third, and  
finally, he jumped through the  
teleporter.  
"Okay, here they come."  
Simmons observed.  
"Yeahah, I knew I could fix  
a teleporter. I guess these hands  
aren't just for manicuring after all.  
Yeahuh." Donut cried in  
triumph as he and Tex came  
through the teleporter. Tex came  
through as well, but she ran off.  
"OW, crap!" Tucker grunted  
as he too emerged.  
"What's all that black stuff  
on your armor?"  
Tucker sighed, and looked at  
his armored arm. Sure enough, it  
was covered with black stuff, just like  
usual. Yet, it had not happened  
to Tex, nor Donut.  
"Just me? What the fuck?"  
"Tucker, I am so glad to see  
you. Here. Let me help you clean  
your armor off, by rubbing you all  
over." Caboose offered, stepping  
forward.  
"Ooh ooh, let me help!"  
Donut called as the two Blue  
soldiers ran off.  
"Absolutely, Admiral  
Buttercrust." Caboose called.  
"Hmm, I don't see him.  
Perhaps they've disguised him somehow.  
Well played."  
Wyoming overlooked the three  
soldiers, two Blue, and one,  
pink? He had to be part of the Red  
team. He was looking for Tucker  
through the scope of a sniper rifle.  
But, Private Tucker, of the  
Blue team, he was not present.  
But, Wyoming wasn't the only  
one looking for someone. Tex was  
watching him watch Tucker.  
"Gotcha." she muttered.  
"So what's the plan, Sarge?"  
Simmons asked loyally.  
"First, we need to locate Church  
and get that bomb defused. Then we  
can find Lopez, download our  
plans, and get back to fighting the  
Blues." Sarge reported.  
"And find Grif."  
"What?" Sarge looked at  
Simmons in confusion, as if  
Simmons had just committed mutiny.  
"And we also need to find Grif."  
Simmons clarified, "Right  
sir?"  
"Well, not every plan is  
perfect, so I suppose we could  
accidentally find Grif along the  
way."  
"Okay Grif, I've been  
putting something off that I can do to help  
us escape, but, I gotta warn you,  
it might scare you a little bit."  
Church looked at Grif, his  
gut still ticking away the time they had  
remaining to live.  
"You want scary, you should try  
showering in cell block C. Those  
guys are animals." Grif stated  
and Church had the impression he had  
no clue what he was talking about.  
"Alright. Here goes."  
The bars began to rise, and both  
soldiers looked at them in confusion.  
Nobody was there.  
"You opened the doors? That  
wasn't scary at all." Grif  
commented, looking through the entry to their  
cell.  
"What? I didn't do that.  
Somebody on the outside must have done  
it. Alright, let's go."  
He was eager for escape, not  
liking that place at all.  
"Freedom, it smells so  
sweet! Let's go rob a liquor  
store on the way home." Grif  
joked as they ran through the base, and  
toward the outside.  
"There, you are all clean."  
"Thanks, but you didn't need  
to spend so much time on the codpiece,  
Donut." Tucker looked at  
Donut with a scolding stare.  
Tucker had been cleaned off,  
his armor restored to its aqua  
color.  
"A three-coat waxing is just  
my way of saying I care."  
Donut remarked enthusiastically.  
Wyoming spotted this, and prepared  
to fire his tniper rifle, "Well,  
there we are, mate." he stated, just  
the smallest hint of a grin on his  
face.  
"Hello Wyoming. Why don't  
you stop pointing that gun at my friend."  
Tex had her own gun aimed  
for Wyoming. She was at close  
range, so there was not much chance of  
her missing, not yet anyway.  
"Allison, good to see you.  
How's our good friend Omega?"  
Wyoming greeted, not removing his  
aim.  
"You tell me. He hired you,  
didn't he?"  
"Now how did you know that."  
Wyoming asked condescendingly.  
"When someone lives in your head  
for a few years, you get to know him.  
Where is he?"  
"Oh, he'll be along  
shortly. Very shortly."  
O'Malley, meanwhile,  
stood right behind Tex, a shotgun  
aimed for her.  
"Oh crap."  
O'Malley's iconic evil  
laugh came to her ears as he  
spoke, "Only now do you realize  
the folley of your idle chit-chat!  
Evil wins! Hahaha! Good  
sucks an egg."  
"I'm really sorry about this sir,  
I mean ma'am, I mean miss!"  
Doc commented, still inside the body  
that O'Malley was taking control of.  
"Oh shut up."  
They stood for moments on end,  
one aiming at the other, with Wyoming  
at the end of the chain, aiming at the  
oblivious Blue soldier,  
Tucker.  
But, there was no way Tex was  
going to let him win, even if it  
cost her the body that had been made  
for her, or even her ghostly life.  
A job was a job, no matter the  
risks. And this was a job.


	5. Make Your Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time is running short, and nobody knows what's going to happen. The bomb is ticking the time down to destruction.

"Hahahahahahahahaha."  
O'Malley stood at the edge of  
an icy precipice, lakghing at his  
foes, who stood gathered a little  
ways away. "You fools have fallen  
right into my hands. Only now, do you  
realise the folly of your follies,  
hahaha. Prepare for an  
oblivion, for which there is no  
preparation!"  
"O'Malley! The Reds and  
Blues are working together now! You can't  
hope to beat us." Simmons  
called, hoping his voice was  
determined enough.  
"You fool! My metallic friend  
is the only ally I need.  
Lopez, activate weather control  
routines."  
"Okay."  
Lightning shot from Lopez, as  
if reversing the conduction of  
electricity, and odd symbols  
began to glow, and swirl around him.  
"Are those runic symbols a  
sign of some ancient technology?"  
Simmons asked, peering at them  
in confusion and curiosity.  
"No, I used to draw them on  
my binder during study hall. I  
always wanted to use them for something.  
Aren't they cool?" Doc asked,  
looking across to them.  
"Shut up!" O'Malley  
ordered.  
"Oh, Samson's back hair.  
They found our secret weapon. I  
developed a weather control  
device, but I was missing one  
critical piece of technology  
to make it work." Sarge remarked.  
"Hahaha yes. And now that  
I've located those D  
batteries, the Universe will be  
mine!" O'Malley said, grinning  
at him as he laughed.  
"Hahahahaha!"  
"Are you serious? You couldn't  
find D batteries." Tucker  
looked to Sarge in confusion, and  
astonishment.  
"Only at gas stations, and  
they're just so darn expensive there."  
"What's going on?"  
Church had run up behind them  
all, his gut still ticking.  
"You want the long version or the  
short? Basically you've got a  
fifty megaton bomb in your  
gut," Sarge started.  
"Ten sir."  
"And Lopez is about to kill us  
all."  
Grif came up to them as well.  
"That didn't make any sense,  
what's the long version?"  
"That was the long version. The short  
version is "we're boned.`"  
Tucker emphasized this.  
"Hey Grif, are you okay?"  
Simmons asked. Though, in  
truth, he really did not care.  
Grif:   
"I've done hard time,  
Simmons. I'm not the man you used  
to know."  
"Hard time? We were only  
separated for five hours."  
Simmons said.  
"Time moves slower on the  
inside, Simmons. It seemed like  
seven or eight hours to me."  
A rocket soared overhead,  
coming from O'Malley. It landed  
behind them all, and the group of Reds and  
Blues scattered.  
"You foolish fools will never  
defeat me! You're far too busy  
being foolish! Ha! Oblivion is  
at hand!" O'Malley called.  
"Sarge. I have an idea, but  
I need you to distract him."  
Simsons said.  
"Will do!" Sarge said, then he  
turned to Grif, who was hiding behind  
the same rock as him. "Grif?  
I've never believed in you. Not even  
for a moment. But now, is your chance  
to prove yourself. To me." Sarge said,  
attempting to sound inspiring.  
"What can I do, Sarge?"  
Grif asked, looking at him, and  
sighing.  
"I need you to run right at  
O'Malley."  
"And shank him with my shiv?"  
Grif asked eagerly.  
"No. When he blows you up with the  
rocket, try to see if you can get  
your dismembered limbs and guts  
to clog the barrels of his rocket  
launcher."  
"You're kidding." Grif said  
placidly.  
"It's a remote chance, I know.  
But it's worth a shot."  
"Ahhhhblivion is at hand!"  
O'Malley yelled, laughing  
maniacally.  
"Cover your ears, guys. This thing  
is really loud." Doc called.  
"This is it!"  
"Not so fast, O'Malley!  
Maybe we can't stop you, but I  
know who can!"  
O'Malley stopped for one  
second za teleporter's  
portal opened, and out poured the worst  
possible chance of survival ever.  
"Alright, new level, yeah!"  
cried a Blue soldier.  
"Whoohoo!"  
"Hey guys, you want your  
flag?" Simmons called to the  
soldiers. They all turned their  
gazes to him. "He's the one that has  
it!" And he pointed his finger straight  
for O'Malley.  
"The crusade has begun! Our  
hour of glory is now at hand!  
Let all who would stand against us be  
washed in our divine light!" the  
Red Zealot cried.  
"Get away from me! No! Get  
out, no! Dow!" O'Malley  
cried in frustration as all of the  
soldiers unleashed hell on him,  
attacking mercilessly.  
It almost reminded Simmons of  
their current situation, working together.  
"We need to disarm Church's  
bomb, Sarge." he turned his  
attention to Sarge.  
"Right."  
"Yow, whoohoohoo!" Church  
cried, getting hit by a bolt of  
lightning still shooting from Lopez.  
"Hold still, son, this'll just  
take a second." Sarge kneeled  
in front of Church and his robotic  
body.  
"Don't you ever install anything  
above the waist?"  
"Oh no! That last lightning  
bolt fused the detonator! There's  
no way to turn this thing off."  
Sarge sounded absolutely  
terrified.  
"Can you do it manually?"  
"Impossible. I specifically  
designed it so that I wouldn't be able  
to defuse it."  
"Why?" Grif asked.  
"In case I fell in to the wrong  
hands, and was brainwashed to help the  
Blues."  
"Nice thinking, sir."  
"You had to get just one last  
asskiss in before we die, didn't  
you?" Grif asked, glaring at him.  
"No nup- that's disgusting, what're  
you doing?" O'Malley called as  
a soldier did someth  
undescribably disgusting.  
"Let me try, let me try."  
a soldier called to the other.  
"Heh heh heh."  
"Take that dude!"  
"I'm being violated!"  
"Church, there's only one thing I  
can do." Tucker said, pulling out a

rocket launcher.  
"Hehey, what the hell?"  
"There's only twenty seconds  
left!" Simmons alerted them.  
"If I blow you up before the bomb  
goes off, there's at least a small  
chance the rest of us will live."  
Tucker stated.  
"But the rocket'll kill me."  
"Ten seconds." Simmons  
called.  
"You're gonna die anyway when  
the bomb goes off!"  
"What can I tell ya pal,  
misery loves company."  
"Five seconds!"  
"Sorry Church." and in truth,  
Tucker did sound apologetic.  
"Man this blows, you guys  
suck."  
A projectile shot out,  
knocking the rocket launcher from  
Tucker's hands.  
"What the hell"in"  
"Sorry Private Tucker, but  
I always get my man." Wyoming  
called, standing atop an icy peak.  
"Say good bye mate."  
"Uh guys, I hate  
to interrupt, but," Simmons paused  
as the ticking stopped. "Zero  
seconds."  
"Whuh oh."  
"What? Oh, son of a,"   
An explosion rippled through the  
planet, rippling through space,  
and engulfing the planet in flames.  
But, the explosion did not seem the  
same as a regular bomb's  
explosion, or that of a grenade.  
This one had large carnage, a  
massive explosion.  
"What the,"  
"The bomb must have gone off."  
"Where are we? Are we dead?"  
"I don't want to be dead! I  
want to be alive, or, a  
cowboy."  
"Dead, oh man. Tomorrow was all you  
can eat day at the chow hall. And I  
wanted to eat all that I could."  
The group were spiraling through  
nothingness. There was only one person  
missing. But, none of the Blood  
Gulch Crew did not notice.  
"We're not dead, idiots.  
We're stuck in some kind of  
temporal, whoa no! Heads up  
boys, prepare for impact!"  
Down, somewhere unknown, Tucker  
lay on the ground. He stirred, and  
stood, dazed.  
"Gnnmnaugh, what happened?"  
"Hey, he's awake!" Donut  
emerged from somewhere, Tucker was not  
sure where. But, his armor looked,  
different. Almost new.  
"I still wanna know why I don't  
get a laser gun."  
"Shut up, dumbass."  
That was Grif, and Simmons,  
bickering just like usual.  
"Guys, Tucker's awake."  
"Huh? Hey hey hey, take  
it easy Tucker, you've been out a  
while."  
Tucker had tried to walk, but he  
stumbled on the first few steps.  
"And I thought I was lazy."  
"What's going on? Who are you  
people?" Tucker asked, genuinely  
confused.  
"He has amnesia! Tucker.  
Don't worry. You are safe.  
We're the Reds, we are your mortal  
enemies. Wait. That didn't sound  
right." Donut attempted, then  
he shook his head.  
"Tucker! Tucker! I am so  
glad you are alive."  
"Caboose? Still so dumb, but you  
look so different."  
"We're in the future! Things  
are very shiny here." Caboose said.  
"The future? Oh I can't  
fucking wait to hear this one."  
Tucker groaned in confusion.  
"Obviously Lopez's weather  
matrix combined with the power of bomb  
combined to create an explosion so  
large, it caused a temporal  
rift in time, that cascaded throughout the  
blo,"  
"Whoa whoa wait a second,  
wait a second. I don't  
understand." Tucker stopped Sarge.  
"Sarge! Can we do the skit  
now?" Donut pleaded.  
"Yeah!"  
"Yes."  
"I don't wanna do that dumb  
skit." Grif protested.  
"Fine. But only because I wanna  
see Grif be miserable. I miss  
the old days."  
"Great! Places everyone!"  
Everyone scattered as Donut  
cleared his throat.  
"The Red vs Blue players  
present, a Franklin Donut  
play. Written and directed  
by Franklin Donut. In  
association with Light Red Danish  
Productions."  
"Can we just start?" Sarge asked,  
looking at Donut.  
"And, action!"  
"Hello weary traveler, we  
represent the timeline." Simmons  
stated.  
"I am the past, where things cost  
less, and people knew the value of a  
hard day's work. But they only  
lived to be twenty-eight years  
old."  
"And I am the future, where people  
have no morals and no emotions but  
we have a bunch of kickass  
gadgets." Simmons said,  
playing his part.  
"And I'm the present, which  
sucks. We have nothing cool, and also  
no morals." Grif said, with no  
emotion at all.  
"And I am the helpful  
narrator. A faceless voice used  
by poor writers."  
"You have a face, I think."  
"Shut up, audience. You're  
ruining my play." Donut hissed,  
then cleared his throat again. "Everything  
was fine in the timeline, until one  
day, in the present," he paused  
dramatically.  
"Why does bad stuff always  
happen in the present?"  
"Because that's when people do stuff."  
Donut snapped.  
"Ah, quit yer bitching. I have  
attrocities and a crapload of  
wars seemed very important at the  
time, but now seem trivial and  
stupid." Sarge said.  
"Yeah and I've got  
apocalypse. That's way worse  
than anything you two dipshits have."  
Sarge paused, and looked  
to Simmons slowly.  
"Sorry Sir, that "dipshit" was  
in character." he carefully replied.  
"Oh. Well, bravo  
Simmons."  
"One day, in the present, a  
terrible thing happened."  
"Enter Stage Left."  
Caboose, whom had entered on what  
was stage left, said. "Hello,  
I am stupid Private  
Tucker. I am going to set off a  
big bomb now, and totally mess  
things up for everyone. Because I am  
stupid." Caboose stated.  
"Turns around. Hello,  
present. I'm going to set off a  
bomb in you."  
"Don't do that, stupid  
Private Tucker. That might  
kill me." Grif objected.  
"Thinks about this, for a moment."  
"Caboose, stop reading your  
stage directions." Donut  
ordered.  
"You told me I was supposed  
to read anything with my name in front  
of it." Caboose countered.  
"Just the lines, not the blocking.  
You're ruining my big debut!"  
"I do not think we are meshing,  
artistically. I think you should talk  
to my agent."  
"This is stupid, I quit."  
Grif stated.  
"You can't quit! End scene!  
This has been a Franklin Donut  
joint."  
"Listen, son. You and your buddy  
Church set off a bomb, which, when  
combined with the weather machinery in  
Lopez, made an explosion so  
large it destroyed the present."  
Sarge explained.  
"Destroyed the present, then where  
are we?" Tucker asked, looking  
at him in confusion.  
"We're in the future,  
numbnuts."  
"Aren't we in the present right  
now? Aren't we always in the  
present?" Tucker asked.  
"Unbelievable, he can't cope  
with the loss. He's in denial."  
"That is so sad."  
"Son, you're just not listenin'. The  
present has been destroyed. It  
no longer exists. We are in the  
future."  
"Ah-ho, it makes no sense!"  
Tucker did the basic,  
military interpretation of hitting  
his palm with his visored face.  
"I'm currently working on a  
short film to explain it. Tom  
Cruise has the script, and I  
hear he's veeery interested."  
Donut said, but nobody cared.  
"You're telling me a bomb sent  
us into the future." Tucker stated,  
looking at them, and tilting his head.  
"Yeah, you see luckily Church  
was facing forward when the bomb went  
off, and we were standing in front of him?  
So that sent us forward into the future."  
"Of course he was facing forward.  
What other way can people face?"  
"You see? That's what I meant  
by luckily."  
"What happened to Church?"  
"Hmm. Never really thought about  
him." Sarge said.  
"Yeah, weird, I, I guess  
he's dead."  
"Sounds good to me, let's go with  
that." Sarge replied.  
"He could be hurt, and trapped  
in the present."  
"That's impossible, son. The  
present doesn't exist any more.  
What you're proposing just isn't very  
good science."  
"Don't you see? If Church  
was facing forward during the explosion,  
and that blew us in to the future, that  
could mean that he was blown backward  
into the ' oh no!"

"Backwards in to what? A  
wall? A broom closet?"  
"A big rock?" Grif  
piped up.  
"Another big rock!"  
"No! In to the past!"  
Meanwhile, somewhere else,  
Church stood, examining his  
unfamiliar surroundings.  
"What the hell?" he asked.  
"Where the hell am I?"


	6. We Must Rebuild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Grif makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever. It makes you wonder why you ask him for his opinion in the first place, or even listen to him.

"They destroyed it all,  
Simmons, those damn stupid  
bastards. They blew it all up!  
Damn them! Damn them to Hell!  
Those damn dirty apes!" Grif,  
Simmons, and Tucker were standing  
around, the former of the trio excpaix  
his emotions, which was a contrast to a  
soldier, especially the kind that  
Grif was.  
"Calm down Grif, we  
don't know that the whole world is like  
this." Simmons said, sighing. He  
looked to Tucker, as if wanting  
to say, do you see what I have to deal  
with, all the time?  
Meanwhile, Tucker was only  
paying half of his attention to these  
guys trying to think of the fact that the  
world had been destroyed, in the  
present, and Church was in the past.  
His first question had already come, and a  
second would soon approach. How  
could this all be possible?!  
"Yes it is, they destroyed it  
all. I guess the society of  
men just wasn't meant to survive."  
Grif babbled onward.  
"Hey how 'bout this: how 'bout  
we explore, more than two square  
miles, before we jump to any  
conclusions." Simmons said.  
"It was definitely nuclear  
weapons, that's what did it. And the  
explosions caused massive power  
outages which caused the failsafe  
to fail, which released a super  
bacteria from a secret lab."  
unlike Tucker, Grif had no  
attention being paid for Simmons. This  
guy was absolutely nuts, and  
Tucker could not understand why he went  
with him, even if he couldn't handle  
Tucker, and Caboose.  
"Oh come on." Simmons  
protested.  
"That caused a huge plague,"  
Grif just continued, on and on about what  
he thought had happened. When, all that had  
happened was an explosion, "And as the  
victims died, they rose from the  
dead twelve hours later to roam  
the Earth and feast on human flesh."  
"What?"  
"A handful of gritty  
survivors from all walks of life  
were able to keep the legions of the

infected radioactive undead at  
bay, using only their wits, and an  
inexplicable comprehension of  
agricultural science and  
engineering."  
"Everything was looking good, and that's  
when the meteor hit."  
"I think you just quoted every crappy  
Hollywood apocalypse movie  
ever." Simmons stated blandly.  
"Naw. Hollywood doesn't  
understand apocalypse. They think that  
just one thing from everyday life goes  
away and that changes everything. Like in  
Road Warrior it was gas, and in  
Waterworld it was land." Tucker  
intoned, not turning from his position.  
Simmons:   
"What went away in The  
Matrix?"  
"Sunlight." Tucker said  
without missing a beat.  
"I thought the missing element was  
plot." Grif grumbled.  
"I'm talkin' about Matrix  
One." Tucker informed them.  
"Oh right."  
"Face it Simmons, the age of  
man is done." Grif said,  
glaring at his maroon, cyborg  
teammate.  
"If all that happened, then where are  
the zombies? Why aren't they still  
around?" Simmons reasoned.  
"The meteor killed them!"  
Tucker had to admit. GRIF  
was insane, and full of false  
logic. And, logic that made  
absolutely no sense whatsoever.  
"And what about the super  
bacteria?"  
"It was infected by alien bacteria  
brought by the meteor, and was wiped out in  
a massive bacteria on bacteria  
plague. Very ironic."  
"Okay, then why haven't we  
been infected by the new alien  
bacteria?"  
"It only infects other  
bacteria. Are you even listening  
to me?"  
"Do you guys ever get anything  
done, or do you just stand around and talk  
all day?" Tucker finally asked,  
finally getting fed up with the stupidity.  
"We don't get paid enough to do  
stuff." Grif remarked easily.  
"But what about Church, idiot?  
How're we gonna get him from the  
past to the future?"  
"I guess he can just wait.  
That's how it usually works."  
"But when he gets to the present,  
he'll just be destroyed like everything  
else." if this theory was to be  
believed, Tucker did not say this  
last bit.  
"Well, he'll just have to fix it  
on his own then."  
"And if he's successful,  
he'll get to live through the coolest  
apocalypse of all time!" Grif  
added.  
"Simmons, Grif, get yer  
keesters over here." Sarge yelled  
to the two Reds.  
"Look what I found."  
"I found it!"  
Donut, and Caboose were standing  
near what seemed to be a jeep.  
But, when Simmons took a  
closer look, he was not quite sure.  
"Look at what I took  
credit for finding." Caboose said,  
almost perpetually smiling like an  
idiot, or a lunatic. Or  
both.  
"A-mazing that these two actually  
accomplished something." Sarge  
remarked, complimenting the two.  
"It looks like some kind of an  
alien transport mechanism that could  
be used to," Grif started.  
"Or, it's just a jeep."  
"You have no imagination." Grif  
glared at him.  
"Hmmm, let me see if I  
can get this thing working." Sarge  
kneeled down beside the thing.  
"How? There's no parts. And  
what're you gonna use for fuel?"  
Simmons pointed out.  
"Grif was right, Simmons. You  
don't have any imagination."  
"Thank you sir." Grif said.  
"Shut up, scumbag, we're  
not having a moment."  
"Hey. We need to find  
Church."  
"He's dead, son. Why  
haven't you given up hope yet and  
just moved on." Sarge said harshly.  
"It's only been a couple of  
hours!"  
"Will this should make you feel  
better. When his body blasted in  
to smithereens, at least he took  
all our enemies with him."  
Sarge was wrong however.  
On an unknown beach, a  
sign stood tall, warning anyone  
who came: "Danger: No  
Swimming," and it showed a picture  
of a shark.  
"Warning. Error. Error.  
Warning. Error. Error. I cannot  
feel my body," Lopez said,  
still speaking Spanish. His head lay  
on the ground next to O'Malley.  
"Don't worry, my metallic  
friend." he said, laughing evilly,  
"You'll be up and about in no time.  
Muhahahaha.  
Muhhh-hahaha-heh. U-ha!  
Haw. Ha-ha. Uhngh."  
O'Malley coughed, showing he was  
losing his tact as a villain,  
"Hah!"  
This had to be the worst day of  
Lopez's life.  
His only question, though, was where was his  
body? And, where exactly were they?


	7. New Toys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something diabolical is occurring in a vacant base-like area, while the Reds, and one Blue are figuring out where they are.

"Donut, hold the light right  
there." Sarge ordered, then glared at  
the Soldier in pink. "No, not on  
me, on that. Why would I need the  
light, on my face?"  
"Hey Sarge, what's that metal  
thing that looks like a bunny?!  
Donut asked as the two lay under the  
jeep. "Ooh, ooh, and what's that  
other metal thing that looks like a soup  
can?!"  
"Don't touch anything,  
Donut. Okay fellas, I think  
I've got it. Give her a  
crank." Sarge ordered those whom  
should have been atop the jeep.  
"Guys? Hey, what in tarnation are  
you knuckleheads doing up there?"  
"No, I don't think getting  
new rims for the jeep's a good  
idea." Simmons stated.  
"Oh come on! If we all  
kick in, we can get some spinners,  
some kickass subs,  
hydraulics!" Grif stated as  
he sat in the driver's seat.  
"I'm in,"  
"Why?"  
"Uh, for style?" Grif  
remarked.  
"For chicks!"  
"What chicks, there's no one for  
miles. We don't even know if  
anyone's still alive."  
"What, suddenly you're a  
pessimist?" Grif asked, glaring  
at his maroon teammate.  
"Yeah, but if we do find some  
women, we will literally be the last men  
on Earth for them."  
"He's right."  
"All my life I've had  
girls tell me, "not if you were the  
last man on Earth," haha.  
Well that may be true, but let's  
see what happens when I'm the  
last man on Earth with a sweetass  
pimped out ride, bitch." Tucker  
grinned.  
"If you ladies are through  
gossipping, I could use some help  
fixing our vehicle." Sarge  
snapped at the group, standing from his  
position.  
"Oh yeah, right, here let me  
try." Grif said, turning to the  
controls.  
"Wait!" Sarge said as Grif  
moved the jeep forward.  
"Ya-ya-yaaaoouwwwww!"  
Donut cried, from underneath the jeep.  
"Donut, are you okay?"  
Sarge called.  
"The bunny, went into the soup  
can," Donut said, his voice  
quavering. "And part of my hand went with  
it."  
"Gehrururur," Sarge  
sighed as he laid back down.  
"Bunny and hand soup, just like Mom  
used to make." Tucker remarked.  
"Donut, I told you not to touch  
anything. You touched everything! That's the  
exact opposite of touching nothing!"  
Sarge exclaimed as he examined  
all of the equipment beneath the jeep.  
"Hey, what're you doing?"  
Grif exclaimed, looking at  
Simmons, who had leaped up  
into the passenger seat.  
"What does it look like I'm  
doing, I'm getting in the jeep."  
"What're we, on a date?  
Get in the back." Grif glared  
at him, but was met with a similar  
look.  
"Oh you're so insecure."  
"Will you two shut up? We need  
to get this thing fixed." Sarge  
exclaimed, standing once again.  
"I feel dizzy, Sarge,"  
"Oh, that's just blood loss.  
You'll make new blood, you just  
need some orange juice."  
"What's the rush on getting this  
thing fixed, anyway?" Tucker  
asked.  
"Listen dirtbag, I know on  
Blue team you like to lollygag a  
bit," Sarge started.  
"There is no Blue team. It's  
all a lie. Red and Blue are the  
same." Tucker interjected.  
"Aw, don't start that crap  
again."  
"You sound like a conspiracy nut  
when you talk about that stuff. The  
government put a chip in my  
brain." Simmons faked a  
horrified tone.  
"The President can hear my  
thoughts." Grif added, mocking  
Tucker as well.  
"We never landed on the sun."  
Donut said.  
Grif inhaled sharply before adding,  
"They put fluoride in my  
water!"  
"Actually, that one's true."  
Simmons said.  
"It is? No wonder I listen  
to so much pop music."  
"We're fixing the jeep because we  
need to be prepared. Just as our  
enemies are no doubt preparing  
to attack us at this very moment."  
"But you guys think I'm your  
enemy, and I'm not preparing to do  
anything. 'Cept get  
L-A-I-D."  
This comment was met with silence,  
each of the Red team members staring  
at him as if he'd gone crazy.  
He wouldn't have been surprised if  
he had.  
"Laid." Tucker said, sighing  
in exasperation.  
"Yeah, we can spell. We just  
think that was fucking weak." Grif  
snapped.  
"Yes, this place will do nicely  
for an evil lair. It's  
diabolically designed!"  
Somewhere else, Doc, as of this  
point still possessed by O'Malley,  
the evil one himself, and Lopez's  
head, stood inside an odd base.  
"As a student of feng-shui, I  
can tell you this house is 88% good  
luck. Also, very breezy. I like the  
floor plan." Doc remarked  
cheerily.  
"Quiet you fool."  
O'Malley barked.  
"I just want my own room. I  
hate sharing with the vacuum." Lopez,  
still speaking in Spanish that neither could  
understand necessarily, said with a sigh.  
"Hello? Is anyone home?  
Don't be alarmed, we're only  
here to kill you and take all your  
possessions." O'Malley called  
into the base. There was no response,  
hinting at its vacancy.  
"Excellent! No doubt our very  
presence, has scared everyone   
away!"  
"Why don't we just see if this  
place is listed by a licensed real  
estate agent?" Doc asked  
cautiously.  
"Oh shut up!" O'Malley  
commanded.  
"But we don't even know if it's  
been inspected recently. It could  
need foundation work." Doc reasoned.  
"It could have mold." Lopez  
added, but still, neither understood. If they  
could, they gave no signs of doing  
so.  
"Both of you shut up. We're  
moving in and that's final. It has  
machine gun turrets, two living  
quarters with ample closet space,  
and a short commute to my secret  
laboratory!" Neither Doc, nor  
Lopez questioned this as O'Malley  
added, "It's perfect."  
"Yeah, but what about the school  
district?"  
"We have no children." Lopez  
reminded Doc.  
"It's important to think about  
resale value, Lopez.'"  
"Resale value? Our plan  
is to rule the world! Not make  
prudent investments.'"  
"It's important to have a  
fallback plan." Lopez said,  
and he had a very good point.  
"Oh shut up. We're moving  
in, that's final."  
"Hey look," Doc said, as they  
entered the base, "A computer! Now  
I can finally update my blog."  
"You have a blog?"  
"Yeahah, it's great. It's just like  
being a real journalist, but without all  
the hassle of like liability and  
accuracy."  
So, Doc could understand Lopez,  
to an extent, which the robot knew was  
somewhat a step in the right direction.  
"No, I need that computer for  
compiling evil formulas. And  
to rebuild the weather machine. Also  
to download music." O'Malley  
laughed evilly at this.  
"Does anyone want a  
g-mail invite?" Lopez asked.  
"Ooh, I do!"  
"I only have 40,000. It's very  
exclusive."  
"Where's the mouse thingy?"  
O'Malley asked.  
"It has one of those red rubber  
dot thingies on the keyboard. That's  
way better than a mouse. I  
call it a nubben." Doc said, and  
pressed the little dot. "Who wants  
to touch my nubben?" he grinned  
maniacally at this.  
O'Malley sighed in disgust.  
If only he had taken possession  
of someone else.


	8. We're Being Watched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doc, O'Malley, Lopez, and their guest get to know the lay of the land, so to speak, in their new "fortress of evil." Meanwhile, the Reds and Blues, excluding Church, are messing about, like usual... What's new?

"Yeeees, this place is coming  
along nicely. Excellent work  
repairing the turrets, Lopez."  
O'Malley, in possession of  
Doc's body, examined the world beyond  
their base through the mended turret.  
"Thank you. I find manual  
labor stimulating." Lopez said.  
"I still say a flower box would have  
been a bit more neighborly." Doc  
said.  
"Oh shut up you fool!"  
O'Malley snapped at Doc.  
"Hey, we should start a  
neighborhood association. It's just  
like a government, but run  
by housewives and old people. So it's a  
lot more efficient at controlling your  
lives."  
"Get out of my head!"  
O'Malley barked in frustration.  
"Technically it's my head. But  
I don't mind sharing. Don't you  
remember that talk we had about  
sharing?"  
"Shut up!"  
"At last! My pilgrimage  
is over! I have reached the promised  
land!"  
A Red soldier came running  
toward something.  
"Who is that?" O'Malley  
asked, and he, using Doc's legs,  
ran to the ledge, through a large fan.  
"Oh no. Not this buffoon! How  
did he get here?"  
"He probably was blown nearby  
by the bomb." Lopez remarked  
monotonously.  
"Hellooooo. What do you  
want?" O'Malley shouted to the  
Red soldier.  
"The disembodied voice of God!  
I hear you Holy One! I have  
made it to the temple and await your  
command!" the Red soldier shouted.  
He knelt.  
"Up here. Helloooo. Red  
Moron. Eyes up, chop-chop!"  
"Oh. Greetings! Are you the  
gatekeeper of the temple?"  
"Us? No, we just moved in,"  
Doc called. "Can you help us  
move a couch? And do you know any good  
restaurants nearby?"  
"Just a second." he started  
to speak to Doc. "Listen you fool,  
let me handle this."  
"I don't know," Doc was  
skeptical, "You haven't been the  
best choice when it comes to making  
friends. Maybe I should try."  
"Nonsense! With the proper handling,  
this fellow will make an excellent  
stooge. And I'm the one here with the  
most experience training Stooges.  
Isn't that right, Lopez?"  
"Nyuk, nyuk." the robot's  
head replied placidly.  
"You see?!"  
"Okay, you can handle this, but I  
get to hang my motivational posters  
in the living room." Doc said,  
and turned his head to yell into the  
base. "Hang in there kitty!"  
"Fine. But I'm telling you that  
cat will never make it to Friday."   
O'Malley then turned to the  
courtyard, where the Red Zealot  
soldier still knelt. His gaze was  
fixed on the ledge on which  
O'Malley stood.  
"Yes, I am the guardian of the  
temple. What do you want?"  
O'Malley asked the foolish  
soldier.  
"I have travelled great distances,  
in search of enlightenment!"  
O'Malley desperately  
wanted to just say, who cares?! But,  
instead he remarked, "Reaaally, that's  
perfect. We have tons of that in here,  
but listen. We just can't let anyone  
in who wants to get in, so  
goodbye."  
"Wait! I will do anything. Just  
tell me what I need to do to gain  
entrance." This Red fool was very,  
very desperate to get inside.  
But, he mentioned anything, right?  
That could be good.  
"Psst," Doc whispered. "Ask  
him what he knows about gardening."  
"Ask him if we can have his  
shoulders."  
"Maybe he knows how to use that  
computer we found."  
"Alright then come on in,"  
O'Malley called as the gate  
began to rise, opening to show the  
interior to this Red soldier.  
"We'll think of something."  
O'Malley began to laugh for  
continuous seconds.  
"Tone it down. You're going  
to blow it." Lopez said.  
When he did not stop, Lopez  
did his best to mimic a human  
sigh, "Okay, now that's just too  
much."  
While he laughed he just barely  
noticed the figure darting behind a  
pillar.  
"What was that?"  
He turned slowly. "Hmm,"  
He spun about. "Aha! Heh?"  
He turned away again,  
"Hmm, a-ha!" again, nothing.  
He tried it a third time,  
mumbling. "Minding my own business,  
slowly walking away and HAA,  
I got you!" but, there was nothing.  
"Oh forget it."  
This time, when he turned, he  
did not care to find this hidden  
person.  
"Grif, Simmons, where've you  
two been?" Sarge demanded as both  
of the aforementioned soldiers passed  
a skull.  
"Our patrol didn't go  
exactly as planned, Sarge."  
Simmons reported.  
"Did you find something? Wait a  
minute, where's the jeep?"  
The vehicle was not with them, which  
could explain why they were walking.  
"Yeeaah, it's like this." Grif  
started.  
"Grif, I just built that jeep,  
I don't want to hear that it's  
been destroyed." Sarge growled.  
"Oh, well then maybe I should  
stop talking. Or you can stop  
listening." Grif suggested.  
"Grif!"  
"No, no, no," Simmons  
put in for his teammate, though he  
didn't much like to do so. "It's not  
destroyed Sarge, the engine just  
quit."  
"And what exactly were you doing  
when the engine died?"  
"Duh, getting the jeep outta  
the ditch."  
"What was the jeep doing in a  
ditch?" Sarge moved his gaze  
to glare at Grif.  
"Well I can tell you what it  
wasn't doing, and that's re-enacting  
the coolest scene from The Dukes of  
Hazzard ever." Grif remarked  
sarcastically.  
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrr."  
"Simmons was driving." Grif  
protested.  
"No I wasn't, I was  
holding the arrows and the dynamite!"  
Sarge made them lead him to the  
place where the jeep was, where they  
thought it was dead.  
"Wait a second, this thing  
isn't busted, it's just outta gas."  
Sarge replied.  
"It runs on gas?" Grif  
asked in confusion.  
"Of course not moron, where are  
we gonna get gasoline? I  
modified the fuel cells  
to utilize a form of cold fission,  
powered by solar energy."  
"So then why is it dead, sir?"  
Simmons asked.  
"You would have had to park it in the  
shade for at least two hours. What  
were you doing parked in the shade for two  
hours?" Sarge asked, and again, as  
always, he turned to blame Grif.  
"Well I can tell you what we  
weren't doing," Grif started, then  
trailed off.   
"Ah, forget it. Come on,  
help me push this thing in the  
sunlight. One, two, three!"  
Sarge, and Simmons began  
pushing the large, heavy jeep out of the  
shade. Though, Grif just faced  
the other way, not helping at all.  
"Hurrrr,"  
"Hurrrrniaaa." the two  
heaved.  
"Hurr." Grif pretended to be  
helping, still facing the wrong way.  
"Man this thing weighs a ton. Holy  
crap. Wowzers." Grif faked  
panting like he was already tired.  
"Dumbass."  
"Oh right."  
"Hurrrr."  
"Stupid jeep."  
"Grif, what happened to this  
fender?" Sarge asked after the jeep  
was moved forward enough to be in the sun.  
This t, however, Grif had helped.  
"It was like that when we took it out!"  
"And where's the hubcap?" Sarge  
demanded.  
"Man, this neighborhood's  
really going to crap."  
"I gotta buy those in sets of  
four, numbnuts."  
"The jeep's getting power."  
Simmons reported. As the jeep  
starts up, Spanish music began  
to play from the radio.  
"Turn that crap off." Sarge  
ordered.  
But, they did not need to do so.  
"Come in, does anyone hear  
me? Over."  
Static from a radio was heard as  
a feminine voice came over  
the jeep's speakers.  
"What the'" Sarge asked,  
blinking in confusion, "Who's that?"  
"This is Freelancer Tex,  
looking for anyone from the Blood  
Gulch Outposts, do you read.  
Over."  
"Hey," Grif exclaimed,  
"It's that mean chick from the Blue  
Team."  
"Hang up on her." Simmons  
said blankly.  
"Good idea."  
Before they could, as if she knew  
what they were about to do, Tex's  
voice came again. "I have found  
O'Malley's base. I repeat,  
I have found O'Malley's base."  
"O'Malley? Son of a,"  
"Where is she?"  
Again, she spoke their answer,  
as if reading their minds. "They seem  
to be holed up in some kind of a  
fortress. I'm not sure how I  
got here or how they built it, but  
if you can read this, I need you to get  
to me as fast as you can."  
"Maybe we could use the radio  
to triangulate her position."  
Grif suggested.  
"How?" Simmons asked. "We  
only have one radio. We would need  
a third point to triangulate."  
"Okay, well let's just pick  
a point between her and us."  
"What? That's not a triangle  
you idiot, that's a line!"  
"Right, a line that we'll follow  
straight to Tex! It's the perfect  
mathematical plan!" Grif  
remarked.  
"Hey Grif, why don't you just  
stick to criticizing other people's  
ideas, instead of coming up with your own."  
"It does seem to be my  
talent."  
"I could simulate a third  
radio by using some of this sand, and the heat  
from the jeep's tailpipe to make an  
enormous refractory lens. And  
then,"  
"Or we could just listen to the  
coordinates she's sending."  
They listened to what she was saying  
next, "My coordinates are  
two two niner delta, by one point  
three seven gamma."  
"Uh yeah, we could do that too."  
Simmons noticed something, and  
blinked. "What's wrong Sarge?"  
"Nothing."  
"You really wanted to make the  
lens, didn't you?"  
"You're damn right!" Sarge  
roared.  
"Well we can make it later,  
when we have more time."  
"Awwww, don't patronize  
me."  
"I need you guys to come right  
away. Or better yet, send  
someone who can fight."  
Tex really had no faith in  
them, did she?


	9. It's A Biological Fact

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Tex want, other than to get her revenge? And why did she call the Reds and Blues to help her?

"What took you guys so long  
to get here?" Tex demanded of them.  
It had taken an unusually long  
time for the Reds and Blues to reach  
her position.  
Near them stood the jeep, the  
Warthog. The group were watching a  
large base mounted with turrets, a  
giant windmill, that was probably  
an overkill, and no visible  
guards.  
"There's six of us, and this is  
only a three seater jeep. Half  
of us had to sit on someone else's  
lap." Simmons explained.  
"It was a great road trip.  
My favourite part was when Grif  
tried to change gears, and he  
accidentally,"  
"Hugh, please," Grif  
groaned. "Let's not tell the  
story. Is there somewhere I can wash  
my hands?"  
"What you find, Tex?" Sarge  
asked grimly.  
"Well, O'Malley's holed  
up in his fortress. He's been  
fortifying his defenses for a few days  
now, and he's got some help."  
Tex reported, "One of those  
religious nuts you guys picked  
up." Tex scowled at the base.  
"Oh, I like them. They were  
funny." Caboose remarked.  
"Caboose, they tried to kill you  
because of a flag." Tucker said.  
"I try not to remember the bad  
things about people."  
"That's all they tried to do, there  
were no good things."  
"That's okay. I have a really  
bad memory," Caboose said,  
"Wow look, a beach!"  
"Shut up Caboose. What's  
yer plan, Tex?" Sarge asked.  
"Well first we have to breach the outer  
wall." Tex said.  
"Oh. I love breaching!"  
"Then, we have to get past another  
wall."  
"Two walls? Some people are so  
materialistic." Grif complained,  
looking at the base.  
"The second wall has a  
guard tower, and an enormous,  
razor-sharp, spinning blade."  
"What that thing?" Simmons asked  
pointing to the windmill. "It's  
spinning like two miles an hour."  
"I didn't say it'd be hard  
to get past. After that, we have to pass  
the gun turrets, and break into the  
building."  
"And then we attack  
O'Malley." Sarge said.  
"No. That's when we plant,  
this."  
They all looked at her as she  
pulled out a rounded object.  
"We're planting a  
volleyball." Caboose sounded  
confused as he examined the object.  
"It's not a ball," Tex said,  
hefting it. "It's a bomb."  
"We're planting a  
volleybomb?"  
"I've scouted a location inside  
the base where we can set it off and  
take the whole place down. I  
marked the spot with a big X."  
Tex continued explaining the plans.  
"You scouted it." Tucker said,  
incredulous.  
"Yeah."  
"If you got past the two  
walls, the huge spinning blade,  
the gun turrets, and made it all  
the way into the fortress, why didn't  
you just plant the bomb then instead of  
putting a big X on the floor?"  
Tex sighed, and looked from one  
soldier to the next, before remarking  
quickly, "I can't carry it."  
"What?"  
"What was that?"  
Grif and Simmons blinked in  
confusion, staring at her.  
"It's too heavy, okay? You  
happy?" she reassured.  
"Yeah kinda."  
"I need one of you idiots  
to carry it. I don't have the upper  
body strength to move it on my  
own."  
"See," Grif turned to the  
male soldiers, "Girls act like  
they're so tough, but the first time they  
need someone to move a couch, who do  
they call?"  
"Please don't kill me."  
"Ahh, go ahead and kill him.  
We could use the armor for spare  
parts. Here, this thing doesn't look  
so heavy, let me t," Sarge  
attempted to pick the bomb up.  
"Yooo that thing ain't movin'!"  
"I can carry it."  
"I guarantee you'll need two  
people." Tex said as Caboose  
kneeled beside the bomb, and lifted  
it up.  
"No it's true, he's got  
crazy strength. Church and I think  
it's God's way of compensating."  
"See," Caboose held the  
bomb aloft.  
"Great Paul's Bunyan,  
he's like an ox!" Sarge  
exclaimed, rather impressed.  
"But I have no horns, or  
lumberjack friends."  
"Come on, no way it can be that  
bad. Let me give it a,"  
Caboose nodded, and let Grif  
take a hold of it. It nearly  
fell to the ground. "Wheaugh! Hugh.  
Okay, you can carry it."  
"Alright, then we'll storm in  
there, blow up O'Malley, leave  
Grif for dead, and maybe find some  
clues about what happened to Church and  
Lopez." Sarge remarked,  
summarizing the plan.  
"You mean your robot?" Tex  
asked. When the Reds nodded she  
continued, "He's in there with him."  
"Lopez is in the building?"  
"That red guy is really starting  
to get on my nerves." Lopez  
said, referring to the Red Zealot.  
"He keeps asking me if  
I've accepted the flag as my  
saviour. I'm just not comfortable talking  
about religion in the workplace."  
Doc agreed.  
"Oh no, here he comes."  
"Master, Headmaster, I have  
finished the duties you assigned  
me." the Red Zealot informed them  
as he approached.  
"You polished all the curtains?"  
"Yes! And the ammunition too!  
It was like cleaning the impurities from  
my very essence!"  
"What about the evil windmill?"  
O'Malley asked.  
"I greased the engine and filled it  
with gas. It was like giving my own soul  
a tune-up!"  
"Yes yes, alright fine. Why  
don't you see about patching up some  
of these holes in the walls. I think  
there's some sinister spackle in the  
toolshed."  
"Excellent idea, Sir. It  
will probably help keep out that  
crowd of people that's been gathering on the  
beach."  
"Yes of course, all the people on  
the beach, blah blah blah blah  
blah." O'Malley brushed the  
comment off, then blinked. "Wait.  
What did he say?"  
"Wait let me get this  
straight. The biggest threat we know  
of is in that building, and you don't  
want me to blow it up?" Tex  
asked incredulously. She looked  
from Sarge, to Simmons, then  
to Grif, and finally, to Donut, whom  
was messing about in the jeep.  
"We can't, we need Lopez's  
head. It has valuable information  
stored in it." Simmons argued.  
"Sorry, I'm going with the  
bomb. But hey, here's an idea,  
maybe you could find your buddy's head  
in the rubble when we're done."  
"Come on, we can't lift a  
bomb but we can dig through rubble?"  
"Sorry, but there is no way  
I'm letting O'Malley get  
away this time."  
"Just hire her." Tucker  
exclaimed, looking to the Reds.  
"What?"  
"Hire her to help you get  
Lopez back. She'll do anything  
for money."  
"That's not true."  
"It's not? I'll give you ten  
bucks to tear off Grif's arm."  
Tucker said, testing it.  
"Which one's Grif?" Tex  
looked at each soldier with feral  
intensity.  
"See, she's not even really on  
the Blue Team. She was just paid to come  
help us."  
"He's Grif." Grif  
whispered, pointing toward Simmons.  
"How do we pay her, we  
don't even have any money. We  
don't even know what money is in the  
future."  
"Yeah, they could have shells, or  
laser beams for currency."  
"Laser beams?" Simmons  
asked, blinking at his orange  
teammate.  
"Hyeah. That would be the coolest  
wallet ever."  
"Why don't you trade her a  
favour?"  
"Huh?"  
"Have her do this for you, and then you  
guys owe her a favour. That's how  
these freelancers get stuff done,  
right?" Tucker looked to Tex  
for confirmation that he was doing it right.  
"That'll work. I'll help you, and  
then the two of you have to do something for  
me."  
"Okay, we'll do it."  
"Wait just a second. What  
would we have to do?"  
"It all depends."  
"Depends on what?" he  
looked at her.  
"Onnn, what I need. To do  
some future job."  
"But, it could be anything."  
"That's right, anything."  
It took a moment for him  
to respond, "Like gay stuff?"  
"I have no idea."  
"Well can we rule out the gay  
stuff?"  
"Hey, how come I never get  
to help?" Donut called from his  
position in the jeep.  
"No, no, what're you doin?  
Don't lift with your legs, your  
back's the strongest muscle in your  
body. And look man, your knees  
aren't even locked, how do you  
expect to stand up straight? Come  
on, put your groin into it. And stop  
exhaling on every lift. The goal  
is to hold your breath as long as  
possible. Under stress, the body  
produces all the oxygen it needs.  
Herrrr. Groin it out."  
Caboose stood before Sarge,  
testing out how he held the bomb.  
The latter was giving advice that  
seemed otherwise trivial.  
"Can't I just pick this up when  
we are ready to go?" Caboose's  
voice was strained.  
"Yeah, I guess that makes  
sense."  
"Ahhhh," Caboose sighed as  
he let the bomb drop to the ground.  
"Okay, we're ready to go!"  
Tex called over to them.  
"Crap."


	10. Heavy Metal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fortress of evil houses an evil AI, possessing a pacifist, not sure I spelled that right, and outside stands the most unlikely to win, group ever! Sarge begins the true plans' scheme, each of them inputing in some way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to reiterate the fact that I own NOTHING of Red Vs. Blue, the transcripts, characters, dialogue, chapter names. I own none of it. But I hope you all enjoy! Because I enjoy doing this!

"Okay, listen up dirtbags.  
If we're gonna invade this  
fortress, we need a good  
gameplan. I have got two options  
we can use." Sarge said, looking  
from one soldier to the next, almost as  
if Tex had said nothing about what they  
were going to do, which she had.  
"Number one, we all run  
straight at the base in a single  
file line, screaming at the top of  
our lungs. The enemy will be so  
flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance  
to regroup, we'll already be inside."  
"Oh yeah right, they're not gonna  
get surprised, they're just gonna  
start mowing us down." Tucker countered  
quickly.  
"That's the inherent beauty of the  
single file line. They can only  
kill the person in front. So if  
we order from least important to most  
important, with Tucker being in the  
front and me being in the back, then  
we just might make it through."  
"Don't you think Caboose should  
be in the back, since he's the one  
carrying the bomb?" Simmons  
asked.  
"Nope, Caboose is in  
front of me. We need someone in  
back who can objectively  
evaluate how the plan is working."  
Or, to escape because he'll know  
the plan isn't working, Tucker  
thought, glaring at Sarge. And this was the  
reason he was glad to be on Blue  
team. He may have had a bossy  
leader, and the most stupid thing alive,  
but, at least this wasn't happening back  
when Church was actually alive.  
After a moment's silence, Tucker  
finally asked, "How're you gonna  
know if it's not working?"  
"If Caboose dies, I'll  
know we're in trouble, and immediately  
abort."  
"I think that's a good plan."  
Caboose said.  
"Sarge, while that's the most  
retarded idea I've ever heard,  
I just wanted to thank you for not putting  
me in front of the line." Grif  
said, his usual sarcasm absent in  
the thanks.  
"Don't get misty,  
Francine. We'll have already killed  
you and used your corpse to jam up the  
windmill." Sarge said.  
"I think we can all agree  
given our current situation, it's the  
perfect plan." There was no  
response, so he continued.  
"Okay, well let me tell you  
about my other plan. Using parts from the  
Warthog,"   
"I'm hoping you've got a  
better idea." Grif said,  
turning to Tex, and interrupting  
Sarge.  
"We build what I like to call  
"the Grif Cannon." Utilizing  
the power of the Grif Cannon, we  
make a Grif-sized hole in the  
outer wall. Or we paint it a  
very disgusting color."  
"Hoh man," Grif groaned,  
glaring at Sarge.  
"Hahaha, fools. They don't  
stand a chance against us, hahaha. Do  
they men?" O'Malley asked,  
looking from Lopez, to the Red  
Zealot.  
"No. We will crush them."  
"The Flag is on our side.  
We will be victorious!"  
"Stupendous! To your battle  
stations, on to crushing victory! The  
fools don't stand a chance against our  
might! Muahahaa."  
He looked at both the Red  
Zealot, then to Lopez, who did  
not move. "What're you still doing  
there?"  
"I forget. Which battle station is  
mine? I'm still learning my way  
around the fortress."  
"I need someone to carry me. I  
have no torso."  
O'Malley glared before beginning  
the explanation of who goes where.  
He'd obviously have to have this Red  
fool carry Lopez.  
"Okay, is everyone ready?  
Donut, Caboose and I will move  
the bomb down the staircase and along  
the left side of the base." Sarge  
said into his radio.  
"Please hurry, I don't know  
how much longer I can talk like this."  
Caboose was holding his breath as  
he spoke.  
"Man that does look heavy. You  
really should consider wearing some kind of  
supportive undergarment." Donut  
said.  
"No thanks. I can do it."  
"Come on now, don't be shy. You  
can borrow one of mine! I'm thinking  
something with lace. Lace is totally  
in right now!"  
"Ooh, sniper rifle!"  
Tucker remarked, gleeful that he  
could actually use one, for the first time  
ever.  
But, his dreams of using said weapon  
were stolen as Tex took it. "I  
got it." She remarked.  
"Fuck."  
"Copy that Sarge."  
"Simmons, you and the two bullet  
magnets move up the right side and  
try to cause some kind of  
distraction."  
"Any suggestions?" Simmons  
asked.  
"As long as it draws their fire  
away from us and towards you I don't  
care."  
"Try some dance moves!" Donut  
advised, then he changed his mind,  
sort of, "Oh! You could do a  
musical number!"  
"Get off the radio, Donut!"  
Sarge said gruffly.  
"Alright, looks like we're on  
our own guys. Tex, how does  
it look from up there?"  
"I don't see any movement,  
but the guns are definitely  
online." Tex reported,  
standing above then, looking out across the  
place in a very good place. Due  
to her competence as a soldier, she  
had found the best tactical position  
for her job.  
"You know what, I miss the old  
days, when we didn't risk our  
lives, and you guys were all just a  
bunch of nameless assholes I would  
yell at with Church."  
"It's okay. We hate you too  
man."  
"Okay, let's move out!  
"Huhah, here they come. Get  
ready." O'Malley warned,  
looking down on the beach from his own  
high vantage point.  
"Prepare to be cleansed,  
infidels!" the Red Zealot  
called as he mounted his turret.  
"I will not let them cross the  
border."  
"Alright, so far so good. Sarge,  
we are in position." Simmons  
reported as he and the "bullet  
magnets," Tucker, and Grif,  
stood in a cave.  
Sarge, meanwhile, stood before  
a sign that read, "Camp  
Froman." "Roger that. We are  
also in position. No sign of the  
enemy."  
"Mahan, this is the easiest  
fortress invading mission, of all  
time." Donut remarked  
enthusiastically.  
"Maybe for you, this thing is heavy,  
for me." Caboose dropped the  
bomb, making the ground shake, just  
like the last times he'd done so.  
"Careful with that thing, Caboose!"  
Sarge scolded.  
"Uh, Sarge?" Donut  
blinked, looking upward.  
"You could blow us all  
to smithereens!"  
"Sarge, I'm pretty sure  
that guy up there with the gun, sees us."  
Donut said, trying to get the  
distracted Sarge to pay attention.  
"You wanna blow people to smithereens,  
at least make sure Grif is  
nearby." Sarge, however, had not  
seen what Donut had.  
"Duck!"  
"What the'"  
The Red Zealot, whom had been  
keeping watch over them, having  
noticed Caboose dropping the  
bomb, had began to target them.  
"A duck? Where? I love  
ducks." Caboose called,  
looking about himself stupidly.  
"Get down, idiot."  
The Red Zealot had opened  
fire, and was, currently, missing  
every shot.  
"We're under fire, Sarge  
we're under fire!" Grif called  
through his speaker as Lopez's  
head was firing at them.  
"Good! Now jump up and draw  
them off." Sarge ordered.  
"What'd he say?" Tucker,  
whom did not have the connection to Sarge,  
asked.  
"He was breaking up. I think  
he said something about staying here, and not  
doing anything risky." Grif lied.  
"Tex, see what you can do about that  
gun!" Tucker called up to her.  
"You got it."  
Tex aimed for the head, and shot,  
knocking it from the turrets' gun.  
"Hyeah, headshot!" she cried in  
triumph.  
"Nice shooting, Tex." Grif  
complimented.  
"Tucker. You and Tex head up  
across that bridge. Try to take out  
that other turret. We'll head into the  
base and see if we can find  
O'Malley." Simmons said.  
"Why do I have to go up against a  
machine gun, and you guys get to go  
play hide and seek?" Tucker  
complained.  
"The guy we're seeking,  
Simmons reasoned, "Has a  
rocket launcher."  
"Oh, right. Uh," Tucker  
tried to sound cheery, "Have fun doing  
that."  
"Caboose, we'll hold them  
off from up here. You take the bomb  
and try to sneak in the front of the  
base." Sarge said, having a  
good idea for the first time.  
"Okay."  
"Wow, Sarge. You actually  
decided to sacrifice yourself for  
someone else!" Donut said,  
smiling at the superior soldier.  
"Quiet Donut!" Sarge said.  
This was completely ridiculous.  
Sarge would never do such a thing "I'm  
gonna need your help. When the  
turrets kill Caboose, I'm  
gonna need you to carry the bomb into the  
base."  
"I can't see him from here.  
Let's move out." Tex said,  
moving through the slowly rotating  
windmill.  
"Okay, but jus," Tucker  
attempted to follow, but began  
to fall, "Whoahoa! Ah!" He  
fell, landing on his side, lying  
on a metal object, which he  
currently disregarded.  
"Tucker! Are you okay?" Tex  
called down to him.  
"Yeah I'm okay, I dropped  
down into some kind of hole. Can you  
give me a hand?"  
"Oh. Let me take out this  
turret. I'll be back for you  
later."  
Tucker sighed as she went off,  
obviously finding her target.  
"What is that?" Tucker asked,  
finally coming across the metal object.  
It was a long blade, which he was  
surprised to see. "Hoaho, what  
the hell is this?"  
"Okay Grif, we just need  
to jump through here." Simmons said,  
looking at the windmill's giant  
blade.  
"Okay, go for it."  
"Me? Why me first?"  
"Because, I don't wanna die?"  
Grif said, as if this were one of those  
"Duh!" moments.  
"But this thing's moving super slow."  
Simmons pointed out, "See?"  
The windmill's gigantic  
blade spun by them ten seconds  
later;, the same one that had passed  
Tex and Tucker.  
"Nice knowing you Simmons."  
"No, shoot the guy with the bomb!  
You're ruining the plan!" Sarge  
yelled at their assailant.  
"I'm pinned down, I need  
assistance!" Tex shouted.  
"Hey asshole." Tucker  
called, somehow arriving near the  
Red Zealot. He flipped a  
glowing sword.  
"Heuh?"  
Tucker leaped forward, slicing  
the Red Zealot across the groin,  
not his intended target, but it was  
effective. This sent him flying  
off of the base to land on the ground  
below. There he lay on his face.  
"My quest is over," he said,  
"I can see the flag, it's so,  
flappy. Hegh-bleahhhh," And  
that was the demise of the religious  
nut, the Red Zealot. Thus  
assisting the Reds, Blues, and  
Tex.  
"Hey, where'd you get that?"  
Tex asked, seeing the sword as a  
more important question than Tucker's  
"I dunno, I found it in the  
hole. Pretty cool. Look  
what I can do." Tucker said,  
showing off a cool move, which was just  
a basic swing of the blade through the  
air.  
"Hey, you wanna trade it for the  
sniper rifle?" Tex asked,  
eagerly eyeing the sword.  
"No thanks, I'm good."  
This was the first time Tucker had  
ever declined his opportunity to use  
a sniper. But, he did not like the  
way Tex was looking at it with a  
feral intensity.  
"X. I'm looking for an  
X." Caboose remarked,  
wandering aimlessly around. Soon he  
came across Tex's X. "That, is  
a plus sign. Not an X. I  
need to find an X."  
So, he wandered off once more,  
disregarding the proper sign.  
"Hello? Caboose, can you hear  
me?" A voice, a very familiar  
voice, met his ears. And  
Caboose knew that voice. Of  
course he knew that voice!  
It was '  
"Church?"


	11. Roaming Charges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, what did happen to Church, who's mysteriously appeared, his voice at least, on a weird voice mail machine. And where is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own none of this show's novelization. (Just to reiterate that statement.) I'm doing this because of the small incident with Xenoblade. Hope you enjoy!!

"Okay, think Church. The bomb  
went off, you got knocked out, you  
woke up, and you were here. Question is,  
where is here?"  
Leonard Church, a soldier  
of the Blue Team, stood somewhere  
unknown. Wherever he was, it was  
not where the group was.  
Was he dead?  
He was answered by the raising of a  
wall. He passed it, and came  
to a computer.  
"Hello. You are early." the  
computer stated.  
"Me?" Church asked.  
"You are not supposed to be here for  
another 1,856 years." the computer  
explained.  
This must have been some fucked up  
computer if it were talking to him  
specifically about being early.  
"What is this place?" he  
asked. He'd become used to the  
fact that Sheila, the voice for the  
tank, had talked to them. So, that  
was one thing he could cross off his  
crazy-as-fuck list.  
"This is the housing facility for the  
great weapon. I am the keeper of the  
great weapon. You are the great  
destroyer. You will demolish this  
facility, kill me, steal the great  
weapon, and bring about the great doom for  
billions of people." after a pause,  
the computer said, "Welcome! How  
may I be of assistance?"  
"What're you talking about?"  
Church asked, looking at the computer  
in complete bewilderment.  
"Your coming has been foretold by the  
Great Prophecy."  
"Does your society have any  
other adjectives besides great?"  
"The Great Prophecy warns the  
great destroyer will be a blue being."  
"And you think that's me."  
"The blue being will be known as the  
stupidest life form in the  
universe."  
"Wait a second," Church  
looked around in confusion. Why would he  
be the "Great Destroyer?" He was not  
the "Stupidest being in the universe."  
"This destroyer guy. He dresses  
like me, but he's dumber than anyone  
else in existence."  
"Correct." the computer  
confirmed.  
"Oh crap." He knew who  
that computer meant.  
Meanwhile, 1,856 years in the  
future.  
"Mister Sergeant! Mister  
Sergeant! Come quick!" Caboose  
hissed to Sarge.  
"You'd better have a damn good  
reason for interrupting our search.  
Can't you see this is an extremely  
organized and highly motivated  
operation!" Sarge glared as he  
snapped at the dumb Blue  
soldier.  
2 minutes before that.  
"Yeah I'm bored, I wanna  
stop doing whatever it is I'm  
pretending to be doing." Grif had  
said during their short search.  
"You're supposed to be helping  
me look for Lopez, meat sack.  
You said you saw him up here."  
"We saw his head." Grif  
stated.  
"Just the head?" Sarge asked.  
"Yeah, it was operating the right  
turret."  
"How was he pullin' the  
triggers" Sarge asked in confusion.  
"He's very determined."  
"You're sure it was Lopez."  
"Well, I heard screaming in  
Spanish, and bullets flying through the  
air, so either that was Lopez, or this  
is Mexican New Year."  
"Well, where's his head now?"  
"I don't know, Tex shot it."  
Simmons informed him, then he  
turned to address Tex.  
"Hey, Tex!" he called.  
"What?"  
"When you shot Lopez's head,  
where did it go?" he asked.  
"How do I know?"  
"Are you sure you hit it?"  
she was silent, so he rephrased the  
question. "I mean is it possible that you  
missed?"  
Still, no response.  
"I mean just this one time, it  
doesn't say anything about your  
overall skill level." again,  
no response. "Yeah, she says  
she doesn't know."  
"Wow, that's sweet! I like the  
glowing part. Wh, does it make  
cool noises when you swing it?"  
Donut was eager to know anything about  
Tucker's latest find, which was  
actually, not a girl. He stood  
with the Red soldier clad in pink,  
both contrasting in weapon sizes,  
Donut with a small gun, and  
Tucker with a rather large sword.  
"I don't think so," Tucker  
said, then he shook his head, "No,  
wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because  
if it is then it does, it goes  
whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh,  
whithishsh, wh-kch, whshsshh,  
hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw."  
Tucker elaborated by swinging the  
sword a couple times, causing it  
to whoosh. "See?"  
"And you found that in a hole?"  
"Yeah dude I was just walking  
along, following Tex, not really  
paying attention you know. I fell in  
some hole. And uh, Tex didn't  
help me out, she figured she was  
better off without me, and that's when  
I found this."  
"You know, most people would tell that  
story in a way that makes it sound  
a little better."  
"Yeah but, you know, that's not really  
my style." Tucker said.  
"Man, I've never found something  
that cool in a hole. And I've  
explored just about every hole you can think  
of!"  
Tucker looked at him  
quizzically. "Hey dude," he  
said, after a moment. "Do me a  
favor and don't talk like that when  
I'm playing with my thing."  
"Caboose, what're you  
yammerin' about? Did you find  
Lopez?"  
"Someone meaner!"  
Sarge, and Caboose were standing  
in a hallway, the latter having  
come across something that made him  
ecstatic, and shocked.  
"O'Malley?"  
"Meaner!" Caboose  
emphasized the word, meaner.  
"You found someone meaner than the  
guy trying to destroy the universe?"  
Grif asked, quizzically.  
"Yes!"  
And that was when he told about  
Church. Not dead, mean, hiding  
Church.  
"Caboose, is that you? Can you  
hear me?"  
The same voice came through a  
console. And sure enough it was Church.  
"See? It's Church. And he's  
meaner than ever!"  
"Caboose, is that you? Can you  
hear me?"  
"Church. I can hear you. Can you  
hear me?"  
"Caboose, is that you? Can you  
hear me?"  
It was just the same message, being  
run over, and over. It was Church,  
repeating the same questions.  
"Church. I can hear you."  
Caboose, then he asked, almost  
conversationally, "How are you?"  
"Caboose, is that you? Can you  
hear me?"  
"I think it might be a  
recording." Simmons remarked.  
"Quiet, I wanna see how  
long this lasts." Grif hissed at  
him, watching Caboose converse with the  
machine.  
"Church. I can hear you? Do you  
miss me?"  
"Move over, brainiac, let  
me see if I can get the rest of this  
thing to play." Sarge said, kneeling  
beside the console. He began to fidget  
with it.  
"I carried the bomb and found  
Church. I am a very important  
person." Caboose said, moving  
aside.  
"Yes we're very impressed,"  
"Hmm. I think I can reroute  
power from the main coupling to the memory  
storage compartment. Grif, we may  
have to use some of your circuitry from  
your armor's life support  
system."  
"Or, I could just hit the play  
button." Grif said, placidly.  
"Are you sure? I'm already down  
here."  
"I'm sure."  
"I already got the access panel  
off and everything." Sarge said.  
"Pressing play."  
The machine began to play the  
message from Church, just as things went  
from good to bad.  
"Alright fine."  
"Caboose, I know you're there.  
I'm leaving this message from two  
thousand years in the past. Whatever you  
do, don't, touch, anything." Church  
replied, "Apparently you're this  
culture's version of the  
apocalypse. You're going  
to destroy this building, and somehow bring  
about doom for their entire race."  
"Mmmmmmnooo, that doesn't  
sound like me. I like people. And buildings  
also." Caboose said.  
"Caboose, what did you do with the  
bomb you were carrying?"  
"I put it on the X, like, I  
was s'posed to." Caboose said.  
"Uh oh."  
"I think we'd better get  
outta here."  
"Whatever you do, don't touch the  
glowing weapon thing they have stored there."  
"Uh oh."  
"And if you do, definitely  
don't bring it into the main building."  
Church stated.  
And that was when things just went from bad,  
to worse.  
"What's up, dawgs?"  
Tucker, and Donut entered the  
base, Tucker holding out the glowing  
sword that Church had been talking  
about.  
"Otherwise the whole place is  
gonna lock down, and you're gonna  
be trapped."  
"Automatic garage door,  
cool!" Donut said, looking at the  
doors that began to close, locking  
them inside.  
"Would you stop saying bad things that  
come true?! Or, say them ten  
seconds earlier!" Caboose  
hissed to Church, the first time he  
had something like that.  
"Tex, this is Sarge. Do not  
detonate the bomb." Sarge  
commanded, opening a channel to Tex.  
"I don't have a detonator,  
it's on a timer." Tex remarked.  
"A countdown timer?" Grif  
asked, blinking in confusion.  
"No, a countup timer. It goes  
from one, to explode." Tex  
remarked, sarcasm dripping from her  
tone. "Of course a countdown timer  
you idiot!" she snapped.  
"I think we might be in trouble.  
Ah fudgepumps."  
Meanwhile, at a different time.  
"Just don't touch anything, don't  
look at anything, don't breathe on  
anything." Church finished sending  
his message.  
"Message recorded." the  
computer confirmed. "Do you think it will  
work?"  
"No. Like you said man, that guy's  
dumb as a rock! But at least he  
has some slightly less stupid people  
around him that can kind of help him from  
time to time." Church sighed as he said  
this.  
t minus 3 minutes.   
"Just three minutes left on the  
bomb!" Sarge cried, peering at  
the timer.  
"Whah! We're all gonna  
explode and die!"  
"Simmons come over here, help  
me chew on this wall. We can eat  
our way out!" Grif cried, running  
to a wall.  
t minus 975513603 minutes.   
"Yeah, on second thought I'd  
better get back there and handle this  
personally. You know if I could only  
get back to our old bases,  
maybe I can change some key  
events and keep them from getting there."  
Church turned to the computer. "Hey,  
do you have any way to teleport me  
to Blood Gulch?"  
"No." the computer said, but it was not  
done, "But working at full  
capacity, I could create a  
teleporter in approximately  
1,000 years."  
"A thousand years, huh? Kind  
of a long wait. You know any  
jokes?"  
Church blinked as he said this.  
This was odd. He would have been more  
concerned with getting through all the  
events, getting to that base in the  
future, and stopping this all  
happening. Instead, he asked about  
jokes.  
"Did you hear the one about the  
positronic brain?"  
"Oh yeah, that's the one with the,  
active matrix and the,"  
"Yes. that's it. I just love that  
one. Ha. Ha. Ha."  
"Yeah it's funny. It's old,  
but, yeah it's funny." Church  
admitted.  
"How about the one with the jewish simm  
chip and the irish expansion slot?"  
"Hey come on dude, let's,  
try to keep it clean."  
The computer took a moment  
to remark, "Hey. Pull my  
dongle." Church shook his head.  
"Come on you big baby. Just one  
pull. It won't kill you."  
This was going to be a long, very  
dirty mind-filled thousand years.


	12. Silver Linings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 minutes remain, and the past must be changed. Who better to do it than the worst person to ever use a sniper rifle, let alone a gun?

"Howh, just two minutes left."  
Grif cried in both dismay and  
panic as the bomb counted down to the  
mark of two minutes.  
"Men, I don't want this to sound  
pessimistic, but I'm  
absolutely certain we're all  
gonna die!" Sarge said.  
"I think that that's a totally  
objective assessment of the  
situation, sir."  
"What if we just beat on these  
window shutters together? We can get  
'em open." Tucker suggested,  
banging one of them with the sword,  
to no avail.  
"No, that would be the coward's way  
out. Fruitlessly trying to escape  
instead of accepting your own fate!"  
"But I can see daylight!"  
Tucker complained, leaping up into the  
now open window.  
"It's true. Only a  
miracle can save us now."  
"Teleporter complete.  
Slightly behind schedule." the computer  
informed Church.  
"You know, it might have gone a bit  
faster if you hadn't spent so much  
processor time telling  
knock-knock jokes." Church,  
who had a very, very long beard, said.  
"Knock knock."  
"Enough." he interrupted, then  
said, "Do you have the coordinates  
to send me to Blood Gulch or not?"  
"Yes. Do you have a plan yet?"  
"I've been standing in this hallway  
thinking for a thousand years. I've had  
time." Church assured the computer.  
"And?"  
"Well, the main thing I need  
to do, is keep myself from dying."  
"Thats a given."  
"And since all our problems stem  
from O'Malley jumpin' from Te  
to Caboose, all I need to do is  
prevent her from dying too." Church  
continued.  
"Because you secretly love her."  
"Oh don't start that again." he  
snapped. "All I need to do is  
kill that pink guy that sticks the  
grenade on her."  
"Sounds easy."  
"Well, I have knowledge of everything that  
takes place beforehand, so, as long as  
I don't interfere too much, or  
get spotted, should be a frigging  
breeze."  
"Ready to transport."  
"Okay, let's do it.  
Goodbye, computer. Compu, you know  
what, you'd think I would have come up  
with a name for you in these thousand years."  
Church looked at the computer as  
it responded.  
"It's gary. But thanks for  
asking. See you in a few hundred  
years."  
Church was then transported  
away, and almost instantly  
replaced by a new, beardless,  
Church.  
"Computer, you've got to send me  
back!" he said, panting as he  
ran up to Gary the computer.  
"To blood gulch? You just left."  
Gary said.  
"No no no not to Blood  
Gulch, to Sidewinder!" Church  
was in a hurry, pacing urgently,  
"Man I totally screwed everything  
up!"  
"How?"  
"Hey Sarge!"  
"What now?"  
"Command's on the phone, they want  
to talk to you about some kind of upcoming  
delivery!"  
"Dag, nabbit! I'm never  
gonna finish this mechanized robot  
at this rate! I'll be right there.  
Now don't you go anywhere Lopez."  
the Red sergeant murmured the last  
message to the robot, "Hee hee  
heh heh." he chuckled.  
"Ahhh, it's good to be back  
here. It's been a long," he  
storpped "Ah who'm I kidding,  
even a thousand years doesn't make  
this dirthole any more appealing. Oh  
what the hell, wh, he stuck me  
at Red Base. It must be way before  
Tex shows up, the robot isn't  
even done yet. Hurry up and get  
finished buddy, I'm gonna need that  
body pretty soon. "What's  
that?"  
Church, from the future, was in  
the Red base, back in Blood  
Gulch. He was standing next to the  
fully formed Lopez, before he was  
able to speak, and before this-so went  
absolutely crazy. He  
noticed two switches, one  
significantly larger than the  
other. The smaller of the two, he  
kicked dirt over. "You just got an  
upgrade pal." he remarked, and  
started off.  
"Oh no, how did all this dirt  
get in Lopez's switch? It  
better not short out when I use it.  
Could take out both the leg  
motors." Sarge said, coming back  
to attend to his prized mechanical  
project.  
"I wonder just how early I  
am." Church mused as he ran  
out into the canyon.  
"Did they come out?!" a voice  
came to him. That was himself, from the past.  
"Tucker!"  
"What?!" Tucker called, a  
little ways away, wearing standard blue  
armor.  
"Did it come out the other side?!"  
"Yeah, but they're all black and  
smoking! Maybe you've got it  
turned up too high!"  
Church remembered this moment.  
They had been testing the teleporter.  
He vaguely remembered Tucker  
suggesting they throw rocks through it,  
and seeing if they came out the other  
side.  
"What're you talking about, I  
don't see a knob or anything on  
this thing. Hey, you think I could throw  
a grenade through here?!" Church's  
past self grinned as he said this,  
unhooking one of the explosives from his  
belt.  
"What, that would never work!"  
Oh, you have no idea, Church,  
the present, or future, Church  
thought, just as a soldier clad in teal  
armor emerged.  
"Hey men, sorry to interrupt,  
would you mind huddling up fellas?"  
he called to Church and Tucker.  
"Be right there, Captain  
Flowers."  
Captain Flowers?  
It had been such a long time since  
he'd seen Captain Butch  
Flowers, since his death. But,  
he could not quite remember how he'd  
died.  
Huddled together the soldiers began  
to chatter about a conversation Church had  
not quite remembered, so he listened  
to what was said.  
"How are you adjusting to the  
climate here on Blood Gulch,  
Private Church?"  
"Fine. Little warm, but, okay."  
Past Church remarked.  
"That's great. You have any problems  
at all, you let me know." Flowers  
said.  
"Umm, Okay."  
Church remembered Flowers as a  
rather laid-back captain, someone  
that you could easily get along with.  
"What's up, Sir?" Tucker  
asked.  
"Sir," Flowers said, looking  
at Tucer with, disappointment?  
"Tucker, I told you to call me  
Captain, or Cappy, er, I  
don't want silly things like rank  
to interfere with our team dynamic."  
"You got it, Cappy." Tucker  
stated, though when Flowers blinked,  
Church could tell Tucker pulled  
a disgusted look.  
"I think I'm commanding the finest  
army, in all of Blood Gulch."  
"Isn't there only one other  
army, those Red guys?" Tuckfor  
asked, looking out across the canyon.  
"Yeah, you know, the enemy?"  
"I'll tell you who your enemy  
is, gentlemen. Apathy.  
Passivity. Indifference. And yes,  
also those red guys." Captain  
Flowers replied.  
"Yeah I've been thinking about our  
orders from Command, uh, Cappy. And  
I gotta tell you, I don't  
think three guys is enough to stage such  
an elaborate offensive."  
"I think we should listen to this guy  
Captain, he seems to know plenty  
about being offensive." Tucker  
said, mocking Church's past self.  
"Can it, shitbird."  
"See?"  
"Men your delightful tomfoolery  
puts a spring in my step, and a  
bounce in my britches. If I  
weren't your commanding officer I'd  
pick you both up, give you a  
giant bear hug and make you call  
me Daddy." Flowers said, a  
grin evident in his tone, though  
unseen due to his helmet.  
"Uhm, thank God for the chain of  
command?"  
"Now. I know you're worried about  
our mission. But I can tell you this.  
There's nothing, more important to me,  
than the safety, and well-being, of  
my men. Or my name, isn't  
Captain. Butch. Flowers."  
Flowers said, smiling at the others..  
"Does that mean we all get  
Sniper Rifles?"  
"I'm gonna put in an order  
for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker.  
But I need to get some shut-eye  
first."  
"Awesome. But it's like  
three-fifteen in the afternoon." Church  
remembered this whole thing, how the day  
did not end well.  
"You're forgetting about the time  
change, Tucker." Church, past  
Church, ofesponded.  
"Oh yeah, it's like  
three-eighteen. Why the hell is  
daylight savings time here only  
three minutes?"  
"Good question, Private Tucker.  
It'll have to wait for another day, some  
of us need our beauty sleep. Not  
everyone has your striking  
metrosexual good looks."  
"That's true."  
Those were the simple days, when  
Church wasn't killed by a tank  
driven by an idiot. Inwardly,  
Church hoped he could change that  
event, but he knew he couldn't.  
Paradoxes, and all that shit.  
"Holy crap, Captain  
Flowers is still alive. Oh man,  
I might be able to fix everything at   
once." he remarked.  
"Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing  
up with my eyes open, as is my  
custom." Flowers stated, standing,  
with his eyes open, inside the base.  
"Captain Flowers!" Church  
exclaimed, entering the base. The  
captain jumped, looking at  
Church.  
"God, don't sneak up on me  
like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?"  
"Sorry Sir, look, I know you  
probably don't remember me that  
well,"  
"Course I remember you  
Church, I just saw you two minutes  
ago."  
"Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's  
been longer for me. Anyway, there's  
no nice way to put this, but you're  
gonna die of a massive heart  
attack tonight."  
"That doesn't sound like me. I'm  
a team player." Flowers said.  
"And I can't tell you how I know  
this, but I need you to take this  
injection, so that you can live, and together  
we can beat the Reds. That way a  
lot of really weird, and totally  
inexplicable stuff won't happen."  
"I don't understand anything you just  
said, and I've only known you for a  
short time. But go ahead and inject  
me, Private Church."  
Church yodded, and stepped forward,  
holding a syringe he had found  
somewhere, with medicine. He injected  
the medicine into Flowers, then stepped  
away.  
"Thank you son. Feeling much  
bett, better," Flowers spasmed  
for a moment, "Agh."  
"What? What's the matter?"  
Church asked panicked.  
"That medication, it didn't have,  
ungh, Aspirin in it, did it?"  
Flowers asked, gasping in pain,  
"I'm allergic to, Aspirin."  
"Umm,"  
Fuck! Why would someone be fucking  
allergic to Aspirin?! That was  
fucking crazy!  
"Can't feel haunches, spleen  
failing, glutes, glutenizing,"  
Flowers, whom was squatting  
momentarily, toppled over.  
"Church. Before I die, I have  
to tell you something incredibly  
important. It may hold the  
key to our victory here."  
"What, what is it?" A way  
to win?! That had to be good, right?  
"Hurkh,"  
"Aw, crap."  
"Blah."  
The Captain's body went  
limp.  
"No Tucker, you can't hold my  
sniper rifle until tomorrow.  
Captain, what time did you  
wanna,"  
Past Church, and Tuçker  
entered the base as present,  
future, whatever, Church made  
his escape.  
"Captain?" Church asked, running  
over to the Captain, who was lying  
on the floor, motionless.  
"Hoooly crap, he's dead  
Tucker. I think he might have had  
a heart attack in his sleep.'"  
Church informed his teammate.  
"Dude, that's horrible. This is  
a sad day." He paused before saying,  
quickly, "I got dibs on   
armor!"  
"Well that didn't work out so  
well. I better lay low before I  
do some more damage."  
Church sighed as he went to find a  
place to wait.  
Some weeks passed, still not the time  
he was looking for, but time was moving.  
"Man this sucks. It's still  
weeks until Tex shows up, I  
still haven't seen any sign of that pink  
guy yet." Church groaned as he  
waited in the shade.  
"Hi!" came a voice. He  
looked to see a beoldier clad in  
Red armor. Not only that, but standard  
issue Red too.  
"Uhmm, hello." he said.  
"Do you have any elbow grease?'"  
"What're you talking about?"  
"How about headlight fluid? This  
is the store, right?"  
What the hell was this guy babbling  
about?!  
"What? Look man, there's  
only two places in this God damn  
canyon." Church said, a little  
irritated.  
"Look I just came from Red  
Base."  
"Well, then the only other  
place you can go is, that way."  
"Okay, thanks mister!"  
"Hey, wait a second. Is  
that pink guy over at Red Base  
yet?" he asked the Red.  
"Pink guy? I don't know any  
pink guys. There's a maroon guy  
and an orange guy, but no pink  
guys. Seeya later."  
"Yeah thanks." Church called,  
then under his breath he muttered,  
"What an idiot," he grumbled  
as the Red moved away, then an  
idea occurred to him. "Wait a  
minute."  
"My dad always said "Why buy the  
cow when you can get the milk for  
free?`" Caboose stated.  
"Hey rookie, did you just call  
my girlfriend a cow?"  
"No, I think he called her a  
slut!" Tucker said, clarifying.  
"Oh sweet, they sell  
tanks!" the Red szldier from earlier  
said.  
"Hey, buddy, no no no,  
don't go down there!" Church hissed  
to the soldier, standing behind him.  
"Is that the guy from the cave?  
How'd he get down here so fast?"  
"Tucker, are you laughing at me?"  
Past Church asked, glaring at  
Tucker.  
"Excuse me, Sir, can I   
ask you a question?"  
"Oh crap." Church grumbled  
as the Red rookie went down to the  
Blue base. Past Church was still  
turned around, away from the Red.  
"The General stopped by, and  
picked up the flag!" Caboose  
exited the base moments after the  
Red's departure, holding the flag as  
he went.  
"Wait a second, what did  
he just say?"  
Church sighed, then turned to find  
Sheila. "There's Sheila.  
Sheila!"  
Church ran over to the tank, and  
began to shoot at it with his pistol,  
all the while talking. "Sheila,  
Sheila, hey, wake up! Wake  
up, hey, Sheila, come on,  
turn on! Uhh, ignition!"  
"Okay, Rookie, you stay here!  
I'll be back with the flag!"  
Past Church said, running off of the  
top of Blue base.  
This was getting out of hand! Church  
had to find a way to stop this from  
happening, because from here, things would go from  
bad to worse.  
And while he was at it, he could  
possibly save his past life,  
maybe.  
"Aw crap crap, come on,  
activate!" Church urged the  
tank.  
"Thank you, for activating, the  
M808B Main Battle  
Tank. You may call me  
Phyllis."  
"Hey, Sh," Church stopped  
as the tank came to life, "Wait,  
Phyllis? Why not Sheila?"  
"Name overwritten. You may now  
call me Sheila."  
"Whatever. Quickly. I need you  
to run through all your weapons system  
programs." Church stated.  
"Affirmative. Auto-lock is  
enabled. Barrel recoil dampers,  
are enabled." the tank stated.  
"Yeah, come on, come on,  
hurry."  
"Extra ammo management is  
disabled. The "Friendly Fire"  
protocol is enabled."  
"Friendly Fire. That's the one that  
kills teammates, right?" Church  
interrupted.  
"Affirmative."  
"Alright. Disable, the "Friendly  
Fire" protocol." he said.  
"`Friendly Fire" protocol  
is now disabled. Friendly forces may  
now be targetted by Auto-lock."  
"Yes! Wait! No! That  
doesn't sound right."  
"I want the other thing." Church  
stated.  
Elsewhere in the canyon,  
Private Caboose entered the  
tank.  
"Hello, and thank you for  
activating the M808B Main  
Battle Tank. You may call  
me Sheila." Sheila stated.

"Hello. Sheila. Big tank  
lady." Caboose said, a little  
nervous.  
"Would you like me to run the  
tutorial program?"  
"Sheila, what're you talking  
about? Forget what I just said."  
Church.  
"This tutorial program, is  
intended to instruct non-certified  
personnel. Let's begin with some  
driving.   
"Wait!" Church called as he  
noticed the tank drive off. "Oh  
my God, no!" Church cried.  
"I was built by an American  
automotive company, and I was  
assembled in Mexico." Sheila  
aexplained as she drove.  
"No no no no no no no no  
no no no," Church yelled as he  
followed the tank on foot.  
Past Church: (standing on the cliff in   
"Hey Tucker, look at this,  
man: it's the rookie! And he  
brought tank out to scare off the reds."  
Past Church said, standing atop a  
cliff. Then he called out  
to Caboose, still in the tank's  
driver canopy. "Why didn't you  
tell us you knew how to drive the  
tank?"  
"New target acquired."  
Sheila informed, the turret moving  
up to Church on the cliff. "That's  
not a target. That's Church."  
Caboose said, trying to coax the  
tank out of shooting his teammate.  
"Target locked."  
Church stood away from the chaos,  
his muscles tense.  
"What?"  
"What? Oh, son of a bi,"  
"Oh NO!" Church cried as his  
past self was blown up. "I'm the  
teamkilling fucktard!"  
"You shot Church, you  
team-killing fucktard!" Tucker  
shouted to Caboose.  
"New target acquired."  
Sheila said, and drove off.  
"Caboose, wait!"  
"Ah, here we go." Church said,  
going to his dead body. He picked  
up the sniper rifle. "Now at  
least I can pick off that pink guy  
without getting too close  
to anybody."  
"I can't figure out how to get this  
thing open!" Caboose cried.  
"Night vision engaged."  
This was when the tank blew up,  
he supposed.  
"Rookie, get out now."  
"Okay, open the duh, okay,  
I, Sheila, will you please open the  
door?" Caboose panted,  
looking for the right control to do so.  
"Driver canopy open. Thank  
you for using the M808B main  
battle ta," as Caboose ran  
as fast as he could, Sheila said her  
final words, exploding.  
"Oh crap, oh crap, oh  
crap running, running, running."  
"What happened?" Past Church  
said, materializing before the present  
Church. "I can see my body. I  
see two of my bodies. Am I  
dead?"  
"Uhh," Church said. "Uh-oh,  
um, let's just put it this way: You  
were killed because someone very close to you  
is an idiot."  
"So I am dead? Aw, that blows  
man! Wait, I see a light.  
Should I go in to it?"  
"What light? I don't see a  
light, you must be shaken up from the  
explosion. You should probably rest."  
"Farewell my body. I shake  
loose these earthy bonds, for a  
better existence," past Church said  
wistfully.  
"Man, First I kill myself, then  
I realise I'm a honkin'  
dork. Not a very good day to be me."  
"One second Caboose, I  
wanna get Church's sniper  
rifle." Tucker said as he and  
Caboose came running.  
"Uh oh." Church said before  
hiding.  
"Aw crap, it's gone. Man  
I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on  
Caboose, let's go call  
Command."  
"Um, shouldn't we bury  
Church?"  
"Fuck that, has he ever buried  
us?"  
"So, Sarge thought my strategy  
had merit, but was poorly executed,  
probably because somebody didn't  
believe in it." Grif explained,  
standing atop the Red base.  
"Hey since I captured the  
flag, do you think they'll give me  
my own color armor now?"  
"What do you mean "captured?"  
You thought you were buying it at the store,  
you idiot." Simmmons insulted,  
pointing out the truth to Donut.  
"Still, you think there's a shot?"  
"Maybe they'll give you  
Grif's armor, since he  
destroyed the Warthog."  
"Hyeah, heh-wait," Grif  
looked to his teammates. "You  
don't, you don't think they'd do that,  
do you?"  
"Red base. Kill everybody.  
Get the flag back."  
"Uh, okay! We'll just stay  
here and guard the trans, porter,"   
"Yeah. You do that. Wimps."  
Tex smirked while she was moving  
away from the Red base.  
"Man, I've really gotta  
find that pink guy. Where the hell  
is he?" Church observed everything  
through the tniper rifle, as he sat  
behind a rock.  
"The best thing about the military is  
all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the  
first time." Donut explained.  
"Yeah that's great."  
"What the'" Church asked as an  
invisible shape passed by him. "What  
was that?"  
"Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do  
back on the old farm. Just sit  
back, think about things, and then  
repress those thoughts, immediately."  
"Doesn't this guy ever shut up?  
"Hyeah, I'm wondering the same  
thing." Grif stated, none too  
kindly.  
A grenade flew through the air,  
catching Grif's atffention. "What  
the fuck?"  
"What?" Donut, whom had not  
seen the grenade fly, and stick,  
to his helmet, asked.  
Moments later, the grenade  
exploded, sending a cry of,  
"Son of a bitch!" out of both  
Grif and Simmons.  
Then the chaos began.  
"Simmons, help me fight,  
I'm too good looking to die."  
Grif cried.  
"Where'd he go?" Church asked,  
scanning through the sniper rifle for  
Tex. Where had she gone?  
"Eek! I'm gonna faint!"  
"Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go  
in there!"  
Tex was entering the Red base, with  
Sarge following her. Church soon  
followed after them. "Awgh, I  
gotta do somethin'."  
"Ah-ha! I knew it! Only  
a chick could give me a headache this  
big!" Grif exclaimed as  
Church snuck up behind a wall in  
Red Base.  
"Simmons, Grif. You watch  
the prisoner. Lopez and I will go  
topside and watch for a secondary  
attack. Simmons, if she  
attacks you, whistle twice and  
we'll know to come down and help. If  
she attacks Grif, just mild  
applause will do fine." Sarge  
informed.  
"Yes Sir!"  
"Not so tough now that we unloaded  
your weapon, are ya," Grif  
exclaimed, staring confidently at  
Tex.  
"Hey punk, I don't need a  
weapon to kill you." Tex said.  
"Yeah, right. What're you gonna  
do, punch me?"  
Oh, she'll do more than that,  
Church thought, watching as Tex  
raised a chained fist. She  
leaned forward, then back quickly,  
making a fake attempt at punching  
him.  
"Aaah, not the face!" he  
flinched.  
"Grif, get yer keester up  
here. We got more of them Special  
Ops fellas headed toward the  
base." Sarge called.  
"Coming Sir."  
"Did you hear that?"  
Topside, Grif stood with  
Sarge, looking through the sniper  
rifle, out across the canyon.  
"I don't see any, uh uh,  
yep, there's one."  
Grif had spotted Caboose  
running through Blood Gulch, coming  
alongside, and stopping next to a  
rock. "Why is he just standing there?"  
"Caboose, get behind the rock.  
They can still see you."  
"They can't see me. I can't  
see them!"  
"That's because you're facing the  
rock." Tucker pointed out.  
"Oh. Right."  
Caboose ducbed behind the rock,  
and stumbled upon the sniper rifle that  
Church had left behind.  
"Look!" he held it up for  
Tucker to see. "A  
telemascope!"  
"Yeah well, I don't know.  
You're starting to act kinda  
suspicious there, other red guy. So  
I'm keeping my eye on you." the  
past Church remarked, making his  
best attempt at a Southern  
accent.  
Simmons turned to face  
Tex, which was a bad move on his  
part. "Sarge, I'm starting to think  
that," Church, possessing Sarge's  
body, slammed a hand into the back  
of Simmons's head, knocking him  
to the ground. "Ow, geez, the back  
of my head!"  
"What the hell are you doing?!"  
Tex asked.   
"Tex! It's me, Church!  
I've come to rescue you." past  
Church said.  
"Okay." Tex agreed after  
a moment, and the two ran off.  
"Oh right, that red guy was me when  
I came to rescue Tex. And then  
we walked outside an," Church,  
who had stepped out into the center of the  
room, stopped, "Oh no."  
"What happened? Oh man, the  
back of my head is killing me!"  
"Yeah, that's great." Church said,  
punching Simmons, who had stood  
up, in the face.  
"Ow, geez, the front of my  
face!" he crumpled to the ground.  
He ran to the entrance of the base,  
and watched as the Red soldier,  
Sarge, got shot by a bullet from  
a sniper rifle. His body  
crumpled to the gr_ad.  
"You gotta be kidding me!"  
Church cried.  
"Tucker did it!"  
Many successful attempts at  
fixing things later, Sheila was  
near Red base, firing at Red  
base, "Target locked."  
"Hey, what're you guys doin'  
up here?!" the pink soldier,  
Donut, cried as he emerged atop  
the base. Church shot four times,  
each shot missing horribly, just like  
usual.  
"Oh my God, how did I  
miss?"  
"That chick in the black armor's  
back!" Grif exclaimed.  
Church continued to fire, and miss,  
as Donut spoke, "What chick,  
the one that stuck the grenade to my  
head?"  
"GOD DAMMIT!"  
"That's the one."  
Moments, no, seconds,  
remained, until Tex was dead.  
"Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting  
for this." Donut stated, and ran to the  
edge of Red base. "Hey bitch!  
Remember me!? I saved something  
for ya!"  
Church's target changed to the  
grenade that went sailing through the air.  
Though, this time, he had an excuse  
for missing each shot, though he  
missed four times, horribly.  
"FUCK, THIS, HORSE,  
SHIT!!!!" he shouted at the top  
of his lungs as the grenade flew  
far through Blood Gulch, to land on  
Tex inside Sheila.  
"Man, that girl's got a really  
good arm." Tucker commented as they  
watched the phenomenon.  
"Aw crap!"  
"Hell yeah! Three points,  
you dirty whore!" Donut's last  
words echoed, but Church talked right  
over them.  
"Alright that's it, I quit.  
I'm going to live in a cave."  
"Dios mío, no!"  
"That looks like Church."  
Caboose said, turning on his  
radio.  
"Come in, Church. Is that you,  
Church?" A beeping sound was heard,  
then Caboose began to laugh, an  
evil laugh that Church would have known  
anywhere, had he heard it.  
This was the worst idea he had ever  
had. But, he had to figure out how  
to fix this all!


	13. Silver Linings Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Church continues his attempts to change the future. Does his terrible shooting ever pay off? Does he fix the future, and prevent the past? Does Caboose explode everything because he's just a witherrible person? Is it all Tucker's fault?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've named this chapter as: Silver Linings Part 2 instead of Episode/Chapter 50, or 13, Part 2, because it made sense.

"Um, maybe somebody should say  
something." Church from the past said,  
clad in Lopez's body. He,  
Tucker, and Caboose stood in  
front of the tombstones, with the Church  
from the future watching.  
"Okay, go ahead."  
"Not me, jackass. I'm not  
gonna eulogize myself."  
"What? Why not, I eulogize  
myself all the time. Wait," Tucker  
stopped, looking at the tombstones.  
It was clear, he had no clue what  
that meant. "I think I don't  
know what the word eulogize means."  
"Wait, I know how to do this,"  
Caboose started, "Dearly  
beloved,"  
"No, shut him up, seriously.  
Shut him up."  
"We are gathered here, today,  
to witness, the joining together of Tex,  
and Church, in eternalness together,  
smuh, speak now! Or forever, rest  
in peace! With liberty, and justice,  
for all. The end."  
"Man this funeral is laaaame.  
If you need me I'll be over by my  
rock." Tucker said, starting off.  
"Hey Tucker, can I have a  
piggy-back ride back to base?"  
"No, no no no, I fell for  
that shit last time, I'm not doing that.  
That metal suit is like eight thousand  
pounds." Tucker objected.  
Church watched this all unfold,  
remembering this all.  
"Come on, one more piggy-back  
ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm  
in mourning here. I've been through so  
much. At least help me paint  
my body blue."  
"Okay. I may not have been able  
to save myself or Tex, but I still have  
time to save everybody else if I  
can just keep the AI from getting  
into Doc, prevent Lopez and  
Sheila from forming their Robot Army,  
and somehow figure out a way to stop  
the war between the Reds and the Blues all  
together. Huh. What if I," he  
paused in his ponderings, "Yeah  
I'm gonna need some help on this  
one."  
"Hurhoor," Church heaved,  
attempting to activate the repair

function in Lopez's suit.  
"Oh! Hey!"  
"Found it?"  
"Nah, no wait. All I  
found was the time and temperature  
function. It is currently  
twenty-six degrees, by the way."  
Church said.  
"What? It's not twenty-six  
degrees out here, that's freezing."  
"Where the hell is that contact info  
for Blue Command. We really need  
to standardize the way we handle our  
information." Church said, entering the  
Blue base. The good thing was,  
none of the others seemed to notice it.  
"Naw dude, it's more like a  
switch."  
"Well, give it a flip."  
"I don't wanna flip it."  
Church groaned as this all  
occurred.  
"Okay, here we go." Church  
said, finding a list of things, and the  
lists' title was not even spelled  
right!  
Cabooses' Importent List  
of Stuf  
Church turned on his radio, and  
spoke into it. "Come in Blue  
Command, do you read me?"  
"Hello, hello, come in, do  
you read me, do I read you, hello,   
can you read me, what's goin' on,  
it's a secure channel here, come  
on." Vic said,, static masking  
his words.  
"Uh yeah, this is, uh,  
Flowers, this is Captain Butch  
Flowers."  
"Heyyy, Captain Flowers,  
how're you doing dude? Hey I  
heard you died. Or you got  
promoted, wait a minute which one  
was it?" Vic pondered the news.  
"Uhm, promoted." Church  
put in, hoping the man bought it.  
"Alright, great dude, how's that  
workin' out for you?"  
"Good. Listen up Vic,  
I'm actually uh, whaddaya call  
it, um intelligence now, military  
intelligence, yeah. And I uh,  
I need help on a very top  
secret project, uh, that's very  
secret. And very top."  
This better fucking work, Church  
thought.  
"I'm all yours, dude. Me  
Vic dude es tu Vic dude, in  
a ditideepti and all that."  
"Here's what I need you to do.  
I need you to contact the Red Army,  
and have them send Medical Officer  
DuFresne, as far away from here as  
possible.   
"Red Army, no no dude, last  
transmission I received that Medic  
was at Blue Base. Got it right  
here in my log. No pun intended.  
Not sure what that means."  
"Look it doesn't matter where  
he is, I just need him outta here."  
Church said, and in truth, he cared not  
at all for the medic. "They're both  
the same to me."  
"Hello dude, you're telling  
me that Red and Blue are the same  
now in Blood Gulch."  
"Right, exactly, the sides  
don't matter."  
"Heh, so Red and Blue are  
the same. Okay dude, well this  
changes everything."  
Church sighed inwardly. This  
would be a long time.  
"What?"  
"Well I mean from starters  
we're gonna have to figure how  
to divide up the money from the office  
pool."  
"Okay okay yeah, whatever, just  
remember. This is top secret, so  
you can't let anybody know that I  
gave you these instructions, okay?  
Or that we even spoke, don't  
even tell them that we talked together.  
You got it?"  
"I will proceed accordingly dude,  
mum is the word." Vic acknowledged.  
"Actually bird is the word but the  
bird says mum. So we're  
gonna go with that. Over and out dude."  
"Well that should take care of at  
least one problem." Church muttered  
as the transmission ended.  
At Command, Vic was pondering  
the orders he'd just been given.  
"So, Red and Blue are the same."  
he murmured incredulously.  
"Well I gotta make some phone  
calls."  
"What the hell are you guys  
doing?"  
"Aw crap, the reds are here."  
"What? Caboose, why didn't  
you say anything?" Church hissed.  
"Oh what the hell? Vic just  
had 'em bring Doc back over  
here? That guy's a fricking  
moron. Now I'm back to square  
one!" Church complained, watching  
Simmons, Grif, and Doc stand  
in front of the Blue base.  
"Guys, I keep telling you,  
if we have Lopez remove any of  
Sheila's pedals, she's not gonna  
function properly."  
"Maybe we could just get Lopez  
to give Caboose more feet."  
"Oh! I like that idea! I have  
always wanted to be taller."  
"Hey there Lopez, Sheila,  
you're both looking, uh very shiny, today,  
uh, rust-free, and, anyway,  
uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here  
to talk to you guys is, I know  
we've had our differences in the past,  
you know with uh, the nut turning and the  
um possessing and stuff like that, ah but  
I'm hoping we could put that behind us  
'cause I wanna talk to you about  
maybe some crazy ideas you might  
be havin up here? Like I dunno,  
say uh, starting your own robot  
army? And you know it's, it's something  
you should think about pretty seriously  
if you're thinking about doing it, um because  
it's hard to run an army, and you  
might not be aware that, it's a  
lotta, it's a lot of logistics,  
a lot of rhetoric, um, you know  
it's uh, you gotta have chain of command,  
and that stuff you know, it's it's uh  
when you have ranks it, it puts friends  
against each other, that's not always a good  
thing. 'Cause it might seem like  
it's easy with only three people, even  
when those people are just robots, I  
don't mean, I don't mean just  
robots, I mean, three, you have, you  
you have three you have three people, that are,  
mechanized people, mechanized,  
Americans um, and then, you know,  
it's uh," Church only rambled on  
and on, getting himself deeper, and  
deeper into things that would go badly.  
"It's uh, anyway you shouldn't  
do it. Bye." Church rapped up his  
terrible, stammered, speech, and ran  
off.  
"I don't trust that guy. He  
seems shifty." Lopez said.  
"Me neither, but I have to admit,  
I liked his Robot Army idea."  
"Me too. We should do that. I  
could build a one man flying  
vehicle with rocket launchers using  
the extra parts we have."  
"Great idea. Let's hide it  
in the cave, so they won't find it."  
Sheila suggested.  
"Agreed."  
"Well that felt good, I think  
we really connected. Now, what'm  
I gonna do about those  
teleporters," Church asked the  
canyon at large as he stood on  
a hill, overlooking the Blues,  
and Lopez.  
"Because that's the day I wash my  
underwear, and since I don't like  
to let my armor touch my bare skin,  
on the account of I chafe really  
easily, I remember thinking, where  
can I hang out with no pants on?"  
Donut, and Grif stood behind  
the Warthog, searching for the missing  
part.  
"Oh God!" Grif groaned,  
hoping the pink rookie would just shut  
up.  
"Jesus, what's that guy  
babblin' about down there, I thought  
Tucker was annoying. Okay,  
concentrate, just one more adjustment  
to make on this teleporter and then  
we're done." Church was messing with the  
Red teleporter as Donut and  
Grif chattered on. "Oh hey  
look, here comes Sheila and  
Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming  
fast." he watched as Sheila, and  
Lopez came driving by him. "Hey  
they don't even seem to be  
stopping. Uh oh."  
That was bad.  
They weren't stopping.  
"Curses!" Tucker shouted.  
Sheila rammed into the Warthog,  
sending Tucker, and Lopez flying.  
"Ayayay," Lopez said, flying  
through the air. "Frejoles."  
The tank's next target was the  
Red base, and as Sheila rammed  
into that, Church was sent flying  
backward, crying out, "Yow!"  
The last thing Church knew was the  
teleporter short circuiting as he  
blacked out.  
"Oh," he groaned, waking up  
sometime later. "What the hell  
happened? Where am I? When am  
I?" All logical questions when in  
the situation he was going through.  
"Uh, Church, it kinda looks  
more like a triangle from down here."  
Tucker said, through the radio.  
"What?"  
"I'm just saying it doesn't  
look much like a circle, it looks  
more like we're forming a triangle, just  
a side-note."  
"Okay fine, Triangle of  
Confusion, Rhombus of Terror,  
Parabola of Mystery, who cares?!"  
Church yelled. "Get the god  
damn show on the road!"  
"Alright, alright, sorry."  
"Oh no. The Parabola of  
Mystery! That means any second  
now Tucker's gonna get shot  
by O'Malley and then all hell's  
gonna break loose. Unless,"  
Church stood, and watched from afar as  
an idea occurred to him.  
"Simmons, Grif, we're out   
of luck. Get ready to open fire.  
Today is a good day to die!" Sarge  
yelled, preparing his shotgun.  
"Wait!" Grif intervened,  
"I think today is actually a good day  
to retreat. Can't we push dying  
to a week from Friday?"  
"Yeah, let's all take  
dying as an open action item, and  
come back with suggestions next  
meeting."  
"No!" Sarge remarked. "It  
has to be today. For our ancestors.  
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
"Wait everyone, stop fighting!"  
Tucker's voice was drowned out by the  
sound of Sarge yelling as he charged  
up the hill.  
"Yeah, come on!"  
"It's all a lie!" Tucker  
cried.  
"Let's go! Haha,"  
"Red is blue! Blue is  
red!"  
"Yeah, kablammo!"  
Church stood off to the side,  
watching the chaos. Forget when  
O'Malley shot Tucker, Hell  
had already broken loose.  
"We're all the same!"  
Tucker continued, screaming at the  
top of his lungs.  
"Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!"  
"God I can't believe the  
Reds have this kind of hardware lying  
around and they're not even using it."  
Church said, stumbling upon a random  
rocket launcher. He picked it  
up as the chaos continued.  
"Tucker, your radio's giving  
too much feedback, shut it off!"  
Indeed, static from the radio could be  
heard.  
Church began to home in on the  
scooter that O'Malley was riding.  
He spotted his quarry, and smiled.  
"Ah, there he is. Mine now  
buddy."  
"It's all the'" Tucker did  
not get to finish whatever it was he was  
going to say. But, it was of no  
difference to Church. He'd already  
heard this stupid speech. But, he  
did not intend to interrupt Tucker  
as he shot the rocket at  
O'Malley. And to his defense,  
O'Malley was a moving target.  
The rocket hit Tucker right in the  
back. "Waaaaaa son of a  
bitch!" he yelled, flying forward.  
"WHAT THE HELL?!" Church  
shouted, surprised nobody had  
noticed. "The targeting system  
on this thing doesn't work at all!  
Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds  
don't use it. That makes sense  
now."  
"Oh my God. It's the Cave  
Devil. Run for your lives!"  
Donut screamed, much like a girl.  
"Unh, maybe I'll just sit  
this one out. I'm pretty sure I  
know how it ends."  
So, he did just that, letting  
events occur as they would, doing what  
they wish.


	14. Have We Met?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the confusion, but awesome, finale of the Church Trilogy! Who's best to understand than the person that you'd never expect to do so. Well done.

"Good luck everyone, take care.  
I packed you all lunches for the  
trip."  
Sheila was parting ways with those  
heading to Sidewinder, including  
Tex, Tucker, and Donut.  
"Thanks Sheila, that was really  
nice of you." Tucker remarked,  
waving to the tank.  
"Not really." Donut complained.  
"All my bag had was an air  
filter and a thermos full of brake  
fluid."  
"Make sure to wash your exhaust  
pipes every day." Sheila advised  
as they left.  
First, Tex, then Donut, leaving  
Tucker, whom was mildly afraid  
of the teleporter, behind to say his  
good byes. "Bye Sheila, we'll  
come back for you soon." he assured  
her.  
"I'll be waiting."  
Church ran across the Blue base  
toward the tank as Tucker left  
as well.  
"Church!" Sheila greeted.  
"I thought you left with Grif.  
Back already?"  
"I hate to tell you this Sheila,  
but none of us are comin' back. Is  
there any way I can take you with  
me?" Church suggested. "Maybe  
transfer your program into a disk  
or something like that?"  
"No sorry, but I'm hardwired  
into this equipment. That's what happens  
when you're built by the lowest bidder."  
Sheila said, and in truth, she sounded  
sad.  
"Yeah, tell me about it. There's  
just one more thing you can do for me before I  
say good bye. It's the last thing I  
can do to hopefully set all this stuff  
right."  
"What is it?" the tank asked.  
"Okay, here's what I need you  
to do." Church said, lowering his voice,  
as if someone would overhear him. "I  
need you to get out there, and I need you  
to wait off a real fricking wait,"  
"Alright." Sheila confirmed.  
"And give it a thousand years or  
something like that, and then send a call."  
"You got it."  
"Thanks Sheila. And uh,  
sorry that I blamed you for killing me  
all this time."  
"That's okay, I'm sorry I  
enjoyed blowing you up so much."  
"Yeah, I'm not sure it was necessary  
to tell me that." Church said, a  
little uncomfortably. "Anyway, I  
guess this is good bye Sheila."  
Church ran off, going through the  
teleporter that was to lead  
to Sidewinder.  
"Maybe I should shut down now, and  
save a little power."  
Sheila did as she said,  
letting her systems shut off for the  
current time. There was no use in  
being there currently, Blood  
Gulch temporarily, so everyone  
hoped, abandoned, left for the birds,  
the bugs, and nature itself, to take  
its course.  
Meanwhile, on Sidewinder,  
Bounty Hunter Wyoming stood  
outside of Grif and past Church's  
prison cell.  
"Ah yes, dear Tex. After I  
take care of your little friend Tucker,  
I'll be taking care of her as  
well." Wyoming promised.  
"When I get outta here,"  
"But you won't! Everyone here is  
dead now, no one even knows where you  
are. So I suppose now you'll just  
have to starve to death. Hu huh,  
cheerio!" Wyoming said, running  
off.  
Church, the present, or  
future, again it did not matter,  
stood beside a console that read:  
Note:  
Please don't release prisoners   
Thanks,  
Mgt  
"Man, there is no way Grif  
can disarm that bomb. I better let  
him out of there and then go find Tex.  
She can shut it off." Church  
remarked, preparing to hit the button  
that was to release the two prisoners.  
"You should try showering in Cell  
Block C, those guys are  
animals." Grif replied.  
"Alright, here goes." Church  
sighed, and prepared to do what he could.  
The bars preventing their escape  
rose to both Grif and Church's  
astonishment.  
"You opened the doors, that wasn't  
scary at all." Grif said, his  
astonishment gone.  
"What, I didn't do that,  
somebody on the outside must have done  
it. Alright, let's go."  
"Freedom!" Grif cried as  
the two exited the cell. "It  
smells so sweet! Let's go rob  
a liquor store on the way  
home."  
"Alright, now to find Tex."  
But, Church's plan, the  
current Church attempting to fix  
everything, did not really expect the  
past Church to go with Grif, but then  
again, he had done that himself.  
"Sorry about this Alison."  
Wyoming, somewhere else, had tied  
Tex to a tree with a large, very  
large actually, rope. "Just  
following Omega's orders."  
"Wyoming, I need you to get in  
position." O'Malley ordered,  
wherever he was. "Don't forget that  
Vic fellow is giving us a bonus  
if we kill Tucker. Would really  
help fuel the whole "conspiracy  
theory" he's made up."  
"Right-O mate." Wyoming  
acknowledged.  
"As the one person here who really  
does work for Red and Blue, I  
think what we're doing is  
despicable!" Doc said.  
"O'Malley, can't you look in your  
heart and see that maybe if we do this  
right, that Red and Blue could work together?  
Maybe we could end this crazy war.  
Wouldn't that be great? Come on guys,  
let's live the dream!"  
But, the answer the pacifist  
wanted did not come. Instead,  
O'Malley responded with, "I like  
the way wars end now. When one  
side's completely dead, and the other  
side wasting away in nuculer  
winter."  
"It's pronounced nuclear,"  
Doc corrected.  
"Oh shut up." O'Malley  
barked before continuing. "Crying at the  
folly of their own hubris!"  
"Wars also end in treaties."  
"Aouwh, shut up already."  
"Come in, Tex. I need you  
to meet me in the middle of the  
canyon, right now. This is Church."  
Church said, spying on all of those  
about to be blown away. "Uh, I have  
money. Oh man, where is she?"  
She would've answered when he  
mentioned money, but, she did not.  
"Psst! Hey, hey buddy!"  
called a voice, not too loud.  
"Hey!"  
"Huh?" Church looked behind him  
toward a rock, the rock which the  
voice came from. "Who're you?"  
"Huh? Oh, I'm you." he  
said, making it sound like this was obvious.  
"I'm just a different version of you.  
Yeah see, I keep trying to fix  
the bomb, just like you're doing, except  
I don't do it right, and I get  
blasted back in time. Then I come  
back, and try to fix everything all  
over again. I just wanna let you know,  
when you get back, meet us at the  
top of the ramp."  
That made no sense, Church  
decided. His first questions, however,  
"Us? Who's us? Back from where?  
What's goin' on?"  
"Man this blows, you guys  
suck." past Church complained,  
looking around at the Reds and  
Blues massed around him.  
Tucker, who was holding the  
rocket launcher, did not hold  
tight to his weapon. It was blasted  
from his hands. "What the hell?!"   
"Sorry Private Tucker, but  
I always get my man." Wyoming  
called down, aiming his weapon at  
Tucker. "Say goodbye mate."  
"Uh guys, I hate  
to interrupt but, zero seconds."  
Simmons said, looking up from the  
bomb's timer.  
"Uh oh."  
"What? Oh, son of a,"  
And thus, the end of the world as Church  
knew it, the bomb's explosion and  
then...  
"See you in a few hundred  
years."  
"Computer," Church said, arriving,  
and running toward Gary the computer.  
his you've got to send me back!"  
he said urgently.  
"To blood gulch? You just left."  
Gary said.  
"No no no, not to Blood  
Gulch, to Sidewinder!" Church  
said. "Man I totally screwed  
everything up!"

"How?"  
And thus, the answers all came  
forth.  
"Well," Church started, slowing  
his breathing. "I didn't keep the  
bomb from going off, so I just got  
blasted back here."  
"Yeah, me too."  
Church looked around as a second  
version of himself appeared.  
"What the'" Church asked,  
looking at an exact replica  
of himself.  
"Let me just put it this way  
pal. Your next plan?" the  
second Church was joined by many, many  
more. Oh, dear god, there were so many  
of them! "It goes about as well as   
the first one does."  
"Uh oh." Gary said as Church  
after Church appeared, eventually  
filling the room to its brink.  
The hundreds, maybe thousands,  
of Churches stood near the end of the  
ramp, talking amongst themselves as  
the Future, well present  
currently, Church came running  
up to them.  
"What the hell is all of this?"  
he asked incredulously.  
"Oh, here he is. Late again."  
the second Church, the one who had  
told him to come to the ramp, said,  
looking to the newcomer.  
"Who are you guys?"  
"We're you, dumbass!" Church  
looked at the many copies of himself.  
They couldn't be him, could they?  
"We just keep screwing up and  
getting blown back to the computer  
terminal. Then we teleport here  
to try again."  
"I know that man, you told me  
last time." Another Church said.  
"I'm not talking to you, I'm  
talking to the new you!" the Church  
who seemed to be in charge,  
exclaimed.  
"Oh, right, sorry about that I'm  
still gettin' used to all this."  
"Dumbass." another Church  
insulted.  
"Hey, shut up."  
"How did all you guys screw  
up?" the original Church asked,  
looking from soldier to soldier.  
"Well, when Tucker points the  
rocket launcher at us, I tried  
to explain the situation to everybody, and  
oddly, Caboose was really the only  
person who understood it right away."  
Church explained. "Anyway, by the  
time I finished answering questions the  
bomb went off and I got sent  
back in time."  
"Right, then I teleported back  
to Sidewinder, and thought, if I could  
shoot Wyoming before he shoots  
Tucker, then I can fix everything.  
But I shot Wyoming, then Tucker  
shot me with the rocket launcher, the  
bomb went off anyway, and I  
got sent back in time."  
"And then I teleported back,  
and just decided to kill everybody that  
I could see." the Church who'd  
mistaken himself for the original, said.  
"Why did you do that?" Church  
asked.  
"I dunno, seemed like fun.  
I think I went a little nuts there  
for a while."  
"Well, what did you do?"  
Church turned to a yellow  
duplicate of himself.  
"Dude, don't ask." have  
remarked, looking away somberly.  
"Trust me, it, it didn't work."  
"So now we all come back here  
beforehand to discuss what we did, and  
see if we can collectively come  
up with a better plan beforehand."  
"You said beforehand twice."  
"Oh. Well in that case, what  
I was thinking about doing was," Church  
started, but immediately he was interrupted.  
They knew exactly what he was  
thinking.  
"That won't work." they all  
responded in unison.  
"Hey I got it, who's the last  
Church?"  
The original looked around at the  
procession of Churches.  
"Huh?"  
"Which one of you, is the latest  
version of me?" Church clarified.  
"Um, I guess that would be me."  
One of the Churches said. "I've  
already tried all the stuff that all  
these other guys have done, even him,"  
he looked at the yellow Church  
before continuing. "So, I guess that  
makes me the latest version."  
"Well that must mean you're the one  
that gets it right then."  
"What do you mean?" the latest  
Church asked.  
"Well, if you're the last  
Church, you must be the one that fixes  
everything. Otherwise, there'd be a  
thousand other Churches here, still trying  
to get it right." Church explained,  
making things simple for the guy.  
"I see."  
"Wait, why am I explaining  
this to you? If you're the latest  
Church, then you've been me,  
explaining this to you already." Church  
said, looking at them all.  
My god! This was all so confusing!  
Why did he have to be put in this  
position? Why not put Caboose  
where he was, and have him worry  
about paradoxes?  
"Uh yeah, I know," the latest  
version of Church remarked, "I just  
didn't wanna steal my own thunder.  
I thought it was a pretty good idea."  
"Thanks!"  
"Thanks."  
Also the Churches turned to the  
latest one.  
"Okay," he said, "Well  
I'm gonna go do whatever it is that  
fixes all this, wish me luck  
guys."  
"What're you gonna do?" Church  
asked.  
"You know what?" he turned his  
gaze directly to the original  
Church. A smile crossed his  
armored face as he said, "I'm just  
gonna go free Tex, and wing it.  
'Cause every time I've made a  
plan, it's fallen apart. I  
figure, why not just improvise."  
As the latest Church ran off,  
one of the others asked the original,  
"So what did you do?"  
"Oh man, seemed like such a good  
idea at the time."  
"Church!" Tex called to him.  
"O'Malley and Wyoming tied me  
up. Get me outta here!"  
"You got it. Wait a second,  
would this be a good thing, or a bad  
thing?" Church asked, pondering this.  
Tex glared at him, then  
replied, with gritted teeth. "How  
is setting me free a bad thing?"  
"I'm not sure. If I set you  
free, will you promise not to get  
close to me?"  
"I'm already close to you." she  
said, still glaring at him. She seemed  
very, very confused.  
"No no not me me, the other me  
me, the one with the bomb."  
"What?"  
"Oh right, I forgot, I already  
set Tex free one of the other times.  
Oh sweet, then that means I'm  
the guy that interrupts me, and then  
confuses Tex." he said, looking  
around as another Church entered.  
"I'm totally confused."  
"Oh don't worry Tex,  
I'm just supposed to tell him that  
it's okay to set Tex free."  
"It is?"  
"Well, that's what I said to me  
when I was you, and it seemed to work out  
okay."  
"Seriously, this is really  
confusing." Tex said, irritated  
that she was still restrained.  
"Okay, you're free Tex.  
Now to execute the second part of  
my plan. I'm gonna possess  
Lopez, and then use his lightning  
machine to defuse the bomb.  
See ya!" the Church called as he  
ran off.  
"Good luck!" the other Church  
said. "Yeah, that's totally not gonna  
work." he turned to address Tex.  
"Tex, I recommend you get  
down there, and try to defuse the bomb  
that's in Church's stomach. I think  
you're about the only one here that can do  
it. And Tex? The one thing I  
didn't realize before was this. Maybe  
I'm the last Church not because I fix  
everything, but because I died and there's  
no way I can come back. And if that  
happens, I just wanna let you know  
that I'm sorry."  
Tex looked at him as he  
spoke, words he would have never  
guessed he'd say.  
"I'm sorry I got you mixed  
up in all this stupid stuff. I'm  
sorry I wasn't a better guy  
than I should've been. I'm sorry  
for, fwell, for a lot of stuff. But,  
if we do survive this, then it's  
totally because of me, and you should build a  
fucking statue in my honor."  
Tex began to run off.  
"I'm serious!" Church yelled  
after her. "Somethin' cool. Like me  
on a horse! No no no wait,  
a motorcycle!"  
"What the hell?!" Tucker  
yelled, yet again. Church had lost  
count of h_ many times he'd yelled  
this as the rocket launcher was shot from  
his hands. He wasn't even sure  
how many times he'd been here.  
"Sorry Private Tucker but  
I always get my man. Say  
good bye mate."  
"Uh guys? I hate  
to interrupt, but, zero seconds."  
"Uh oh."  
Church held his breath, and  
waited.  
"Church!" Caboose called  
as the future Church, as he was  
called, approached him from behind.  
"What can I tell you dipshit.  
For better or for worse, I'm  
back."  
"We're all gonna die,  
starting with Grif! Everyone, get  
ready to kiss yer ass good bye!"  
Sarge yelled as the explosion  
engulfed Sidewinder, and the world  
about it. "Simmons, you can have the  
honor of kissing mine." Sarge  
continued.  
"Hey everybody, what's up?"  
Church said, appearing next to the  
Blood Gulch crew.  
"I am so happy that you made it  
in time to die with me. We will get  
to be smithereens together!"  
"That won't be necessary, Caboose."  
Church said. "Hey Gary, how ya  
doin?" Church asked the computer.  
"Not bad. Although my static ion  
sub-matrix is a little itchy."  
Gary remarked.  
"The computer can talk?"  
"The computer's name is Gary?"  
"How have you been, Church?" Gary  
ignored the incredulous questions asked  
by the Reds and Blues.  
"Good, thanks for asking. Listen,  
would you do me a favor? Could you shut  
off the bomb please?"  
"No problem."  
True heroics, exercised  
by Leonard Church.  
"Gahr, you mean to tell me you  
could have turned off the bomb this whole  
time, and you didn't say so? And  
don't say I didn't," Sarge,  
who was a little pissed, started, but he  
was interrupted.  
"You didn't ask." Gary said  
as the bomb defused right at 1  
second.  
"Ehr, ferkin derglers." Sarge  
muttered.  
"Man, it is really great to see  
you guys." Church said.  
"You seem like you're in a good  
mood." Tucker noted.  
"I learned a very valuable  
lesson in my travels, Tucker.  
No matter how bad things might  
seem,"  
"They could be worse." Caboose  
added. But, that wasn't exactly  
what Church was looking for.  
"Nope, no matter how bad they  
seem, they can't be any better, and  
they can't be any worse, because that's  
the way things fucking are, and you  
better get used to it Nancy.  
Quit yer bitching."  
"Where have you been?" Caboose  
asked.  
"You want the long version or the  
short version?"  
"I will take the easy version  
please."  
"Oh," Tucker said, "I  
wanna hear the long version. But can you  
tell me in three parts?"  
It truly was a good day to be  
alive. And who better to be with,  
than these scumbags?  
Church could think of no better  
reunion.


	15. Let's Come To Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simmons found a distress signal, while Grif isdoing nothing to help. Meanwhile, Caboose goes from the most stupid person in the group, to the smartest, with the most intelligence.

Everything seemed to be normal  
now. Church was back, Tucker had  
the sword, and Caboose was still as  
stupid as ever.  
"You got this thing where?"  
"Right up there." Tucker said,  
indicating where he'd gotten the  
sword, with the sword.  
"So, you went back in time, and  
didn't change, anything."  
Caboose said.  
Church had explained to Caboose  
what had happened.  
"Uh yeah, I was just like a,  
passive observer." Church said  
sarcastically.  
"I would have tried to save your  
life," Caboose said. "From  
me!"  
"Yeah I didn't think of that.  
Church said, then turned to Tucker,  
"Hey, Tucker I don't think  
it's a good idea that you're keeping  
that thing."  
"You're just pissed because you don't  
have one." Tucker said.  
"No, you must have me confused with  
Tex. She's been staring at you  
non-stop since you found that thing."  
Tex, meanwhile, was doing just  
that, not talking.  
"That's not true." she said, after  
a moment.  
"You haven't taken your eyes off  
it." Church objected.  
"Yes I have."  
"Then why haven't you looked at  
me the entire time I've been  
talkin?" Church asked.  
"I'm looking at you right now."  
Tex did not take her eyes from the  
sword.  
"Nu-hoh you're not!"  
"I've already seen you. Not too  
impressed." Tex said, following  
the sword as Tucker moved it.  
"I would have tried to save Tex,  
too," Caboose continued to babble.  
"Well I didn't Caboose,  
I didn't try to save me, I  
didn't try to save Tex, and I  
sure as hell didn't make  
millions of copies of myself trying  
to keep the bomb from goin' off."  
Church said, glaring at Caboose.  
But, in reality, he had done that. The  
rookie just did not understand.  
"Oh. Because that was my next  
suggestion."  
"Leave me alone, Caboose.  
I didn't wanna mess with the  
timeline." Church said.  
"Time, line? Time isn't made  
out of lines. It is made out of  
circles. That is why clocks are  
round." Caboose stated.  
"Man, that thing is really shiny."  
Tex commented, still following Tucker's  
every move.  
"Yep."  
"Tucker man, I still think,"  
Church paused, "Computer told me  
that thing is a very important relic,  
for some ancient culture. I  
wouldn't go swinging it around like that."  
Tucker glared at him as if he  
were crazy.  
"Yeah?" he said, "Well I  
think it's just a kickass piece of  
bling. And who're you gonna  
believe, me, or some super-smart  
stupid talking computer?"  
"Men, thanks for meeting on  
short notice. And so covertly."  
Sarge said, looking to Grif and  
Simmons as they came up to him.  
"No problem. I had to move my  
lunch with the Pope, but uh, he was  
cool with it. He owes me. I  
helped him pick the hat." Grif  
said, lying his way out of meeting his  
superior officer.  
"Shut up." Simmons said.  
"I don't want the blues  
finding out about this meeting, so I want  
us all to agree here and now we're  
gonna keep this between ourselves." Sarge  
said, bringing the meeting to order.  
"Sir I don't know if you've  
noticed, but we're not exactly  
buddy-buddy with those guys anyway."  
"Eh, I'm not really in the  
market for new friends. I'm not sure  
that I'm happy with the current  
crop." Simmons agreed.  
"No offense Sarge."  
"Grif, tell us what you  
discovered on the radio." Sarge  
said, putting one of the pieces of  
faith in the soldier that he'd ever  
get.  
"Me?!"   
"Um, actually I'm the one who  
heard the distress signal."  
Simmons said.  
"Uh huh, see I thought,"  
"Yeah, I can't use the  
radio." Grif interrupted  
bluntly.  
"Yeah, I discovered the distress  
signal. That was me." Simmons  
said equally harshly.  
"I don't know how I got that  
mixed up." %Sarge said, looking  
to the ground.  
"It's okay sir, as long as  
everyone's clear, who heard it first."  
"Sorry about that Simmons."  
Sarge truly sounded apologetic.  
"Why do you care?" Grif asked.  
"No really sir, it's no  
problem. I think it's important  
to get proper credit when some of us  
are working hard discovering distress  
signals on the Warthog's  
radio, while others," Simmons  
turned to look at Grif, "Are  
hanging out in the back seat, monkeying  
about!"  
"Okay, first off, monkeying about?"  
Grif asked, showing his sense of  
confusion. "And secondly, I  
don't think listening to the radio  
classifies as working. And thirdly,  
monkeying about? Come on, dude."  
"It's a real phrase."  
"Bullshit, that's what you said about  
horse-doodling." Grif countered.  
"People say it all the time."  
Simmons declared.  
"What people." Grif argued.  
"Oh lots of people, all the time.  
But nobody you would know." Simmons  
said, turning away..  
"No need to get upset  
fellas, I think we're all  
clear now. Simmons is the one who  
heard the distress signal, and  
Grif was the one monkeying around."  
"About." Simmons corrected.  
"Say who now?"  
"Monkeying, about." Simmons  
said, clarifying.  
"Yeah, people say it all the time  
sir, you'll wanna get it right.-  
Grif said, mocking Simmons.  
"Otherise you'll sound like a  
jackass."  
"Can we please get back to the  
purpose of this meeting?!" Sarge  
snapped.  
"Yeah, what is the purpose  
exactly?" Grif asked.  
"I wanted Simmons to tell  
us he heard a distress signal on  
the radio." Sarge said, then he  
turned to Simmons, and with a much less  
harsh tone he said, Okay, go  
ahead, Simmons."  
"Uhm," Simmons paused,  
looking at Sarge. The answer was  
actually quite self-explanatory.  
"I heard a disress signal,  
while listening to the radio."  
"I know, I was in the car with you when  
you heard it. In fact, why are we  
even having this meeting? Everyone here  
already knows you heard a distress  
signal on the radio." Grif  
said, very, very confused.  
"I just wanna make sure  
everyone is on the same page."  
Sarge growled.  
"Same page? There's only one  
page! You know what the page  
says? Simmons heard a God  
damn distress call on the radio,  
the end." Grif cried.  
"Oh look," Simmons said,  
mocking the orange soldier. "Down  
there at the bottom it also says  
P.S. Grif was monkeying about."  
"Well I can see why we  
don't have lots of meetings, the  
only person who doesn't know is  
Donut, and he's not even here!"  
Grif exclaimed.  
"That's because I asked Donut  
to distract the blues so we could have this  
secret meeting." Sarge reasoned.  
"And that's the story of how I  
saved Christmas!" Donut said in  
his attempts to distract the Blues,  
and Tex. Though, Tex didn't  
need distracting. She was still looking  
at the sword.  
"I did not even know the North  
Pole was in San Francisco.  
This changes everything." Caboose  
remarked, looking up at the sky.  
"Yeah, and I don't think  
Santa's suit is a leather  
biker's outfit." Tucker pointed  
out.  
"Hey wait a second, why are  
we letting this pink guy distract  
us?" Church asked.  
"I'm not distracting you." Donut  
hurriedly countered.  
"Yeah you are," Church replied,  
glaring at Donut. "While we're  
sitting here jabbering the Reds are over  
there monkeying about!"  
"Yes!" Donut exclaimed,  
making the Blues blink in confusion.  
It seemed that Church was one of those  
people that said, monkeying about, just like  
Simmons had said.


	16. Hello, My Name Is Andrew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is this, Andy?

"See? They're down there,  
messing with the radio." Tex  
reported. She was spying on the  
Red team.  
"Oh, so that's what they're  
doin'."  
"Yeah. They must be plotting  
something." Tex said.  
"Or, maybe they're just listening  
to the radio." Church said  
blankly. There was no way they could  
be plotting something. If so, they would  
have done something already!  
"I know plotting when I see  
it. That's plotting." Tex countered,  
glaring at Church.  
"Maybe they're scheming."  
"No scheming looks different.  
That's definitely plotting.  
They're gonna try something."  
Church looked at the two in  
confusion. He wanted to cry out,  
plotting and scheming are the same thing!  
"Why? I already told them Red  
and Blue are the same, it's all a  
conspiracy."  
"And I told you that's not true.  
Vic just made it up to confuse us."  
Church glared at him.  
"That just means he's part of the  
conspiracy."  
"But he's the one that told you Red  
and Blue are the same." Church  
replied.  
"Exactly."  
"Wait are, are you talking about  
a conspiracy that Red and Blue are  
the same, or a conspiracy that Red  
and Blue are different?" Church  
asked blinking. Might as well get  
that straight first.  
"Exactly." Tucker answered.  
"You just keep saying exactly, do  
you have a theory or don't you?"  
"Look, I don't care about  
Red, or Blue. All I know,  
is that those guys are up to something down  
there." Tex intervened, still looking  
toward the Reds.  
"Maybe they're planning to use  
the radio to beam secret messages  
to the fillings in my teeth."  
"Secret messages about  
what?!"  
"Exactly."  
"They are probably trying  
to tune into the distress signal they  
heard on the radio." Caboose,  
who actually might have had the truth  
for once, said.  
"What makes you say that?"  
Church asked, looking out toward the  
group of Reds.  
"Oh, I know all the details.  
They were in their car, the Boss  
Hogg, when Simmin, heard a  
distress signal, on, the radio,  
and Gruff was in the back seat.  
With a monkey." Caboose  
explained.  
"Hmm, I'm gonna go out on  
a limb here and assume that some of that  
is wrong."  
"How do you know all this  
Caboose?" Church asked the  
soldier.  
"Andy told me."  
"Andy, who's Andy?" Church  
asked. "Are you, are you Andy?"  
Church looked to Tucker.  
"I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker."  
"Not, I know, what's your first  
name?" Church clarified.  
"Lavernius."  
"Lavernius, well then who's  
this Andy," Church stopped, "Wait  
a second, are you black?"  
"Me?"  
"Yeah."  
"Does it matter?" Tucker  
snapped.  
"No. I'm just curious."  
"Well if it doesn't matter  
then why are you curious?"  
"I don't know, I guess that's  
just something I should have picked up on  
after all this time."  
"You know what else you should have  
picked up on?" Tucker asked,  
glaring at Church. As he continued  
to speak, he began to speak louder,  
"My fucking first name!"  
In the Warthog, Grif sat  
in the back as they listened to the  
distress signal.  
"Distress, distress, help, we  
don't need any more distress,  
distress, whoah man, it's a lot  
of distress."  
"That's all it says, it  
doesn't even say where or who."  
Simmons explained.  
"We know who it is, it's on the  
Red Army open channel! That means  
the Reds have survived into the  
future. Doncha see what this  
means?" Sarge asked.  
"Hughhhhhhh, that we have  
absolutely no hope of ever  
getting out of this army." Grif stated  
frowning.  
"No, it means we must have beaten  
the Blues! Otherwise there wouldn't  
be any Reds left. Finally,  
victory is ours!" Sarge cried.  
"Wait a minute, this means I  
missed the entire war, aw  
dammit!"  
"Yeah, everything must be great.  
That's why they sent out a distress  
signal." Grif pointed out to the  
soldiers.  
"Maybe it's not a distress  
signal. Maybe it's a distress  
signal. Maybe it's an open  
invitation to some formal ball!"  
Donut exclaimed, grinning.  
"Oh-kay, let's go with  
Sarge's version."  
"Simmons, have you tracked the  
source?" Sarge asked.  
"Well Sir," Simmons  
started, "All I can tell is the  
direction, I have no idea how far  
it is."  
"Why not? I thought you were our  
Unofficial Science Officer.-  
Sarge said.  
"That just means I'm smart. If  
you want me to multiply two big  
numbers in my head, that I can do.  
But I can't measure radio  
signals with no equipment!"  
"What's thirty-two times,  
fifty-six?" Grif tested,  
looking at the maroon cyborg  
soldier.  
"Thirty-one thousand, four  
hundred fifty-two." Simmons  
stated, incorrectly.  
"Is that right?"  
"Yes." Simmons lied.  
The true answer however, was one  
thousand seven hundred ninety two.  
"That's pretty impressive."  
Sarge remarked, fooled by his  
answer.  
"Eh, you know, it's a gift."  
Caboose looked to Church,  
Tucker, and Tex as he stood  
near the bomb which had not exploded.  
"This, is Andy." he stated,  
introducing them. "Andy this is Tex,  
and Tucker. Uh, the black one is  
Tex, and the other black one is  
Tucker." Caboose explained,  
indicating each of them.  
"Andy's the bomb?"  
"Uhhh, Andy prefers the term  
"Explosive American.`"  
Caboose corrected.   
"Are you making fun of me?"  
Tucker asked, glaring at the  
soldier.  
"He told me all about what the  
Reds are up to. Didn't you  
Andy," Caboose looked to Andy,  
the bomb. But, the bomb did not  
respond.  
"Yes, and then we talked about  
all our adventures, did you know  
that he used to know Sheila? Isn't  
that right Andy?"  
"Ehm, Caboose, are you hearing  
the bomb talk right now?" Tucker  
asked as the bomb did not respond  
again.  
"Say something Andy." Caboose  
hissed. "You are embarassing me in  
front of my friends."  
"Caboose, I think you're  
losing it." Tex replied.  
"Also I wouldn't really call us  
"friends," we're more like acquaintances  
or, people who work with other people they  
hate." Tucker added.  
Meanwhile, Church was talking  
to the computer named Gary.  
"Gary, I need you to tell me  
some more about the Alien race that needs  
Tucker's sword." Church said.  
"I do not know anything about them."  
"You don't know anything about the  
Aliens that programmed you?" Church  
pushed.  
"Correct. Instead they filled  
all my memory banks with information  
about the great destroyer and his race."  
"You mean Humans." Church  
said.  
"That is not what they call you. But  
correct."  
"Why, what do they call us?"  
Church asked curiously.  
"Shisno." Gary said after a  
moment of hesitation.  
"That's an insult, isn't it."  
"Perhaps this can best be explained in  
the form of a knock knock joke."  
Church sighed.  
"Knock knock." Gary said,  
baiting Church into finding out.  
"Who's there."  
"You are."  
"You are who."  
"You are a dirty dirty  
shisno." Gary said, then he  
laughed monotonously, "Ha ha  
ha."  
"Alright, what does it mean?"  
"What is the most foul-smelling  
animal on your planet?"  
Church was tempted to say a skunk.  
And he actually did.  
"Uhm, a skunk. Wait so  
Shisno means skunk?"  
"Not exactly." Gary said,  
"Does a skunk defecate?"  
"Yes," Church said.  
"And does the skunk's defecation  
in turn produce its own  
excrement?"  
"Ew, no!" Church exclaimed,  
nearly vomiting at the thought.  
"Then there is no equivalent for  
shisno in your language."  
"Gross."  
"Like you would not believe." Gary  
concurred.  
"Hey, does that bomb, ever  
talk to you?" Church asked, watching  
Caboose, Tucker, and Tex  
over beside the bomb.  
"The bomb?" Church nodded.  
"No. Never."  
"Yeah, I didn't think so."  
"Andy and I are not on speaking  
terms right now." Gary explained.  
"Heh heh yeah. Wait,  
Andy?" Church asked, then took  
a closer look at the bomb.  
"Correct. He is kind of a  
jerk." Gary said.  
"I'm not the jerk, you're the  
jerk, jerk!" came a harsh  
response over near the other  
Blues and Tex.  
"That was very rude." Gary  
replied.  
"Ah, shut up ya Shisno!"


	17. Defusing The Situation

"You're trying to tell us that this  
bomb can talk." Tucker stated  
simply, looking from the recently  
introduced Andy, then to Caboose.  
"I'm not telling you that, he's  
telling you that." Caboose said.  
"Yeah, and I'm standing right here.  
You can talk to me." Andy remarked.  
"If you could talk this whole time,  
then why didn't you just, wait, why am  
I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing  
this." Tucker shook his head.  
"What, am I not good enough to talk  
to?" Andy asked. "Who do you think  
you are, some kind of "too good to talk  
to a bomb" type?"  
"Maybe it's a good idea not  
to piss off the explosive  
device." Church said, a little  
soothingly.  
"I agree." Tex said.  
"I wasn't talking about you  
Tex."  
"Hey, why don't you suck  
my,"  
"Did Gary say anything about the  
bomb being able to talk?" Tucker  
asked.  
"Uh, just that this whole place is  
going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy  
here is probably the thing that does  
it." Church said.  
"Oh." Tucker paused before  
continuing. "That's not good."  
"I don't think so. Bunch of  
shisnos if ya ask me. And no  
one did ask me which I find  
insulting!" Andy exclaimed, very,  
very pissed off.  
"Alright, alright calm down  
Andy, calm down." Church coaxed.  
"Don't tell me to calm down,  
I am calm!"  
"Caboose," Church turned  
to the only person he could rely on  
in this situation, "Calm this thing down  
before it has a meltdown."  
"Look at me! I'm calm!"  
Andy was still saying.  
"Andy, everyone here is your friend.  
And no one wants to hurt you."  
Caboose said, which seemed to make  
the bomb just doubt it.  
"Yeah right."  
"Come on Andy, think of a happy  
place." Caboose said, trying  
to sound reassuring. "Now what  
makes you happy?"  
"Being in the middle of a huge  
explosion!" Andy replied.  
"Less happy place  
Caboose, less happy place."  
Church said.  
Ah u, think calming thoughts,  
uh, let's count backwards from  
ten!" Caboose said. "Ten, nine,  
eight,"  
"NO!- Tex and Tucker  
cried. This was not the idea of  
"calming," that they were looking for.  
"Duck!" Church called  
simultaneously.  
"Okay. I'm ninety-five  
percent certain that the distress  
signal is coming from that way."  
Simmons remarked, sitting in  
the Warthog. He, and Sarge were in  
the Warthog, and Grif stood beside  
it. Donut was, somewhere else.  
"Excellent work Simmons."  
Sarge complimented. "Alright men, and  
Grif. Let's get ready  
to roll."  
"Only ninety-five percent  
certain?" Grif asked Simmons.  
"Grif, if there's one thing that  
I've learned in working with you, it's that  
there's always margin for error."  
"Excellent comeback  
Simmons. That's a burn."  
Sarge said, shooting a smirk at  
Grif.  
"Thank you Sir."  
"Har har. Look who's so  
smart. It's pronounced margarine  
dumbass."  
"Seriously, if I ever meet  
the guy that assigned you to our squad,  
I'm gonna kill him."  
Simmons said.  
"Well if you're ninety-five  
percent certain it's that way, which  
way's the other five percent?"  
"Whaddaya think, all the other  
directions."  
"Then I think that's the way we  
should go." Grif said, pointing in  
another direction.  
"You might be," Simmons  
started. "The dumbest person I have  
ever met."  
"And I think you're just covering your  
ass."  
"Hey Sarge!" Donut cried,  
running up to the trio.  
"What? I'm not covering my  
ass, you're the one trying to cover  
yours!" Simmons countered.  
"No way."  
"Stop arguing you two." Sarge  
barked. "Simmons isn't covering  
his ass, and Grif certainly isn't  
coverin' his. No one's ass is  
being covered. Got it?" he turned  
to address Donut. "Donut,  
whadda you want?"  
"Uh, is that a trick question?"  
"Donut," Sarge said, his  
tone gone deadly.  
"Well, I was up on the  
windmill again, and I think I found a  
route we can take outta here."  
"Great! Simmons, load up."  
Sarge said, eager to get away from  
this place. "Donut, you back up  
Simmons."  
"Yes Sir, okey dokey."  
Donut acknowledged.  
"Grif, you get in the base and  
distract the Blues while we get  
ready to leave."  
"You're sending Grif?"  
Simmons asked. Clearly he  
did not believe that Grif was  
competent enough for the job.  
"Mokay, be right back." Grif  
said, starting away.  
"Grif?!" Simmons cried.  
"Don't you remember the last time  
you sent him to distract Command during  
our surprise inspection? He  
told them we were all in the base doing  
last minute cleaning, because we all  
had Cholera, and we were in quarantine  
for a month. My ass still hurts from  
all the shots we got." Simmons  
argued.  
"Yeah, you could say that again, mine  
hurts too!" Donut exclaimed.  
"You weren't even there, Donut."  
"Oh. I thought we were just sharing  
stuff."  
"Wait a second, you guys  
better not just be sending me so you can  
run off once I'm inside!"  
Grif called over to them, just before  
ending.  
"Of course not moron, now hurry  
up!" Grif entered the base, and  
almost immediately, Sarge said, "Okay,  
everybody in the jeep."  
"You are in a cool river, where  
no one disturbs you, or calls you  
names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The  
Exploding Jerk." There are sheep  
nearby, the kind that don't blow up,  
you are happy. But not overly  
happy, regular happy."  
Grif looked at the situation  
in confusion as Caboose talked  
to something on the ground.  
"Breathe in through your nose," Tex  
was saying. "And out through the mouth. Again,  
in through the nose, and out through the mouth."  
She took deep breaths as she  
spoke.  
"Uh, maybe I'll get some  
candles, would you like some candles, or some  
incense? How 'bout that?" Church  
asked the ball that lay on the ground.  
"Hey Andy, knock knock."  
That was Gary, the computer that Church  
often spoke to.  
"Who's there." the ball said.  
It was the bomb that Tex had said they  
would carry.  
"Inner peace and serenity."  
"I already heard that one." Andy  
said.  
Grif exited the base, looking  
very confused at the Blues, Tex,  
the computer, and the bomb. He hoped that  
none of them would notice him as he  
returned to his team members.  
"And when we get there, we'll  
radio Command and say we need a  
replacement, because we have  
absolutely no idea what  
happened to," Sarge paused as  
Grif came over to them, "Oh  
Grif!"  
"What're you doing back so  
soon? That was the shortest distraction  
of all time." Simmons taunted.  
"What's wrong? What were the  
Blues doing?" Sarge asked.  
"You know?" Grif said. "I can  
honestly say I have no idea what  
I just saw. Can I quit the army  
now? Seriously, I think I've  
seen everything I need to see at this  
point."  
"If only I could make that  
happen dirtbag." Sarge said.  
"I mean it, just tell me where  
to turn in my gun, I'm done."  
Somewhere else on the planet,  
Lopez's head was talking to a rather  
large gathering of robotic people.  
"Come my robot army. Today is  
the day of our glorious victory."  
"Huhuhuhahaha." O'Malley  
laughed. "Careful you fools, I  
need the device intact,  
muhahahahahahahaha. Now kill  
all those fools! And those fools over  
there. And, those fools. Leave no  
fool left unkilled. This army  
has a no fool discrimination  
clause, muahaha."  
Doc stood, O'Malley still  
possessing his body.  
"I like that we have a no fool  
discrimination clause. It makes us  
progressive!" Doc remarked.  
"Shut up you fool."  
And thus, they prepared their  
hopeful victory.


	18. Calm Before The Storm

It was indeed, the calm before the  
storm. The Reds were talking amongst  
themselves, with Simmons addressing  
Sarge from the Warthog.  
"Okay, so let me get this  
straight, they were talking, to the  
bomb." He stated.  
"Dude, I don't know. They  
mentioned something about candles and a bubble  
bath, and they were playing some kind of a  
New Age CD. It's like a  
Yanni fan club meeting."  
Grif explained.  
"That makes no sense at all.  
Did you wanna translate for us  
Pinky Pants?" Sarge asked,  
looking to Donut.  
"My guess is that they're trying  
to get the bomb to do something for 'em."  
"And all that sweet talk and  
candles will work on a bomb."  
Simmons countered, doubting every word.  
"It would work on me!" Donut  
said.  
"Doncha see what they're  
tryin' to do?" Sarge asked the group  
at large.  
"No. Isn't that the point of this  
conversation?" Grif asked.  
"The Blues are obviously  
trying to coax the bomb in to rearming.  
They're about to launch an attack.  
On us!"  
"Why would they do that?"  
"Because they're Blues. Somebody  
get this kid the manual."  
"Oh-ho, I hate the  
Blues." Simmons said.  
"That's the spirit Simmons."  
"Hoohoohoohohahaha."  
O'Malley laughed as several  
robots that looked like Lopez,  
stood in formation. "And now the hour  
is at hand. It is time, my robot  
minions."  
"He means robot miniones."  
Doc correct. "Where's your  
cultural sensitivity?"  
"Oh shut up. At last, we will  
seize our destiny!"  
"Do we really have to seize  
destiny? Can't we just invite it  
to join our online circle of friends?"  
"Quiet you fool." O'Malley  
snapped harshly. "And quit sending  
me those invites. They're  
repulsive. Prepare for battle!  
We will break upon their fortress like an  
evil wind!"  
"Oh."  
"Crushing our opponents with  
lightning speed! Attack!"  
And the word of the robot army came  
forth. "Charge."  
"You there, hurry along. And you in  
the back. You," None of the robots  
seemed to listen to him as he spoke,  
so he turned his attention to the one  
who could tell them what to do.  
"Lopez, can't you speed them up?"  
"This is their maximum  
velocity." Lopez said.  
"This isn't what I asked for."  
"You said you wanted a day of  
victory. At this speed, they will win  
in exactly 24 hours."  
"Heuh," O'Malley sighed  
in frustration.  
"Charge."  
"So we cool here?" Church  
asked, addressing Andy.  
"I think we're finally calmed  
down."  
"Yes. We are all better  
now, we are not mad, and we are  
definitely not thinking about exploding  
at all any more." Caboose added.  
Each of the Blues were talking with a  
calming voice.  
"Hey, are you talkin' about me?"  
"What? No, course not. We just  
wanna make sure that we're all  
happy, and that we're not upset in  
any way whatsoever." Church  
reassured him.  
"Don't say "we," you really  
mean me. I mean, you, which in this  
case, is me."  
"No no no, uh, we're uh,  
talking about Tex." Church said,  
thinking fast. This was the only way  
to do this, and he secretly felt  
sorry for the mercenary.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Hey, you wanna die in an  
explosion? Play along."  
Church said, whispering to her. Then,  
to Andy, he continued, "Yeah, um,  
I don't know if you've noticed but  
she's uh, she's kind of a bitch." he  
said this not unkindly. "Isn't that right  
Tex?"  
"Church,"  
"I don't know," Andy said,  
doubting this.  
"Come on Tex." Tucker  
attempted, looking at her.  
"Yes. We're talking about  
me." Tex said, sighing in  
resignation.  
"Sounds like you're patronizing  
me."  
"No really, it's me, I'm  
a," she paused. "Bitch."  
"Heh heh, keep going."  
"And I need to be calmed down  
all the time."  
"Or what happens?" Church  
asked, outwardly enjoying this.  
"Or, else I get so mad,  
I kill people on my own team."  
Church had a feeling that she meant  
it. "I see your point." he said  
as she glared at him.  
"Tell him about the moodiness.  
And the crankiness." Caboose said.  
"Also mention that you like to punch people in  
the head while they sleep."  
"That was you?!" she asked, acting  
surprised. "I thought the Tooth  
Fairy was mad at me."  
"Well, she sounds like a real  
handful."  
"Alright listen you little noob  
firecracker."  
"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!"  
Church stopped her. "See what I  
mean Andy? Volatile."  
"I am so gonna remember this  
Church."  
"You should sleep with your pillow on  
top. Of your head. Tonight."  
Caboose said.   
"Yes, that's very funny, make  
all the threats you want. As long as  
everyone is calm, and peaceful, and  
there's nothing else to make us  
excited, I don't care."  
But, that was when the storm really  
began. An explosion came from  
outside, and a voice, a very, very  
familiar voice yelled,  
"Attack, my robot minions."  
"I could almost feel that coming, right as  
I finished the sentence." Church  
sighed.  
"What the hell was that?" Sarge  
cried as a large explosion rocked  
the ground.  
"It sounded like a huge  
explosion!"  
"Chantilly lace! That means the  
Blues have rearmed the bomb."  
"Wait, they rearmed it and it  
exploded. Isn't that good for us?"  
Grif asked.  
"Grif, don't interrupt me  
when I'm leading in a battle  
situation!"  
"We're in battle?" Grif  
asked, very confused.  
"Of course we are, now get  
ready for your orders. Donut!"  
"Yes Sir." Donut, who  
was eager for orders, saluted.  
"Scream like a woman!"  
"Can do!" Donut said, before starting  
to scream, and run wildly around.  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"  
"Grif!" Sarge turned his  
attention to the soldier clad in  
orange.  
"What." Grif sounded more bored  
than interested.  
"Prepare to sacrifice yourself  
to save a nearby superior  
officer."  
"I don't think I've been  
trained on that." Grif said,  
pretending to scan his memories for  
training.  
"Simmons, kiss ass at will."  
"You're both an excellent  
leader, and a handsome man Sir."  
Simmons said.  
"Excellent work Simmons.  
Incoming."  
A rocket shot high above their  
heads as Sarge and Grif ducked  
down.  
"Grif, you're up." Sarge  
said.  
"Permission to assist Donut,  
Sir."  
"Permission denied. Continue with  
Operation Meatshield. Remember,  
just 'cause your bones are broken  
doesn't mean they won't stop  
bullets from hitting me! Now get  
out there." Sarge ordered.  
"Good call Sir!"  
"You're on your way to a medal,  
Simmons." Sarge complimented.  
"In fact, medals all the way  
around. Purple Heart for Grif,"  
he looked to Grif, who he  
intended to have most likely killed,  
"Pink Heart for Donut, and a  
Brown Nose for Simmons."  
Even though that was not a real medal.  
And all the while, Donut  
kept screaming, babbling nonsense.


	19. The Storm

The fan, which was said to be the  
protector of the base, spun  
slowly as the calm surrounding it  
split, like being cut by a knife.  
The robot army, made to look like  
Lopez, marched slowly forward,  
passing the not-so-formidable windmill.  
"Charge." the called.  
O'Malley, who was overseeing  
their efforts laughed "Hu hu hoh,  
for God's sake. Will you hurry  
up!" he turned to the head of the Red  
Spanish-speaking robot.  
"Lopez, I'm disappointed in your  
work. These minions are much too  
slow."  
"I think they are moving along  
nicely." Lopez disagreed. And  
surprisingly, O'Malley and  
Doc could understand the robot.  
"You fool! You don't even have  
legs, and you still got up here faster  
than them!" O'Malley argued.  
"Hey, you're the brains in this  
operation. I'm just the brawn."  
"They may be slow, but their  
posture is excellent!" Doc,  
who felt he had to have his opinion  
known in this matter, spoke up.  
"Huhhg," O'Malley  
groaned.  
"A for effort, Lopez!"  
"I think they're distracted.  
Let's use this chance to slip  
away." Sarge announced to the  
Red soldiers.  
"Great idea, Sir. I have a  
lock on the distress signal. We  
can head right for it."  
"Good thinking Simmons.  
Everybody in the jeep." Sarge  
called to Grif, who was still being a  
human shield, and Donut, who had  
momentarily ceased his screaming.  
"Shotgun!" Simmons called  
before his orange teammate could say  
so.  
"Shotgun!" he was a little late.  
"Fuck."  
"Shotgun's lap!" Donut  
called.  
"Fuck!"  
"There's just no room for four people.  
Someone will have to jog alongside.  
Grif?" That was his immediate go-to for  
things like this.  
"Jog? What's that?"  
"It's like running slowly, dear  
God you don't know what jogging  
means?" Simmons reprimanded.  
"Yeah, you lost me at running.  
Sorry, it's not in my contract."  
"Oh, don't worry, I'll do  
it. Just give me one second  
while I put my jogging shorts  
on." Donut offered.  
"Wait. I wanna  
reconsider." Grif stated.  
"Who wants to hold my ankles  
while I stretch out my hammies?"  
Donut asked.  
"No one's fallin' for that  
twice, Donut." Sarge said,  
deadpan.  
"Alright, I think I can take  
'em. I just need a better  
weapon." Tex said, examining  
the robot army as it advanced.  
"Want me to help you find one?"  
"Mm," she thought this through. "Why  
don't you just give me your sword?"  
"No way, I can see right through  
your little ploy. You just want me  
to give you the sword." Tucker  
said, shaking his head vigorously.  
"That's what I just said."  
"Yeah, but it's the way you said  
it."  
"You know, it's a good thing that that  
sword doesn't run on  
brainpower. Oh my God," Tex  
gasped, seeing something behind him.  
Tucker, however, was not moving.  
"Tucker, look! Hot chicks."  
"Nice try, you just want me  
to turn around so you can knock me out and  
take the sword." Tucker said.  
"Now the hot girls are makin'  
out."  
"Okay, that's worth the risk."  
Tucker, who was not the smartest  
soldier, turned, but, in the back  
of his mind, he knew she was lying.  
"Eauhw, crap."  
A smack on the head, and  
Tucker was down, Tex wielding the  
sword, incompetently.  
"Just stay calm Andy, everything will  
be fine." Caboose said, still talking  
with Andy the bomb.  
"I'm okay, really." Andy said,  
taking the bomb equivalent of a  
deep breath. "I like explosions.  
You on the other hand look a little  
nervous."  
"You know, I always get a little  
nervous during battles. I think  
it's 'cause we never win."  
Caboose said, his gaze flitting  
toward where Tex and Tucker were.  
But, his smaller mind could not  
properly process that Tucker was  
on the ground, passed out.  
"Eh, don't sweat it. If they  
get in the base, I'll just  
explode and kill everybody."  
"Wouldn't that kill us too,  
Andy?"  
"Hey. You can't make an  
omelette without blowin' up a few  
eggs." Andy said.  
After a long pause, Caboose  
remarked. "I like eggs."  
"Me too."  
"Gary, is it possible that the  
Great Destroyer could be an entire  
army of people?" Church asked Gary,  
looking out to the robots.  
"No, the Great Destroyer is a  
single person who will come to claim the  
great weapon."  
"Yeah, that's great." CHURCH  
said.  
"Prepare, one and all. The  
fulfillment of the Great Prophecy  
is at hand." Gary said.  
"So you have no good news for me  
today."  
"Orange you glad i didn't  
say banana?" Gary said.  
"Let's go men." Sarge said as  
the jeep drove like crazy.  
"One of them's following us."  
"We're going too slow. We have  
to leave someone behind." Sarge said.  
"Not it." Grif said, almost  
immediately.  
"Not it." Simmons said, and they  
looked to Donut.

"What?" Donut asked,  
incredulous, "No way! You're  
leaving me behind?" he looked to them  
with a betrayed expression.  
"Sorry Donut, but military  
law is very clear in regard to the  
"not it" methodology for making  
decisions."  
"Aw man, there's still so much about  
the army I don't understand." Donut  
complained, looking off into the distance.  
"Here he comes!" Grif said,  
pointing back to the robot following  
them.  
"Donut, you hide here and wait  
for the guy tailing us. Then when he  
passes, shoot him square in the  
back and watch him die. Just like  
John Wayne would have done."  
Sarge ordered.  
"Hurry up guys, he's  
getting closer! No wait, no  
he,- Grif paused, then shrugged,  
"Yeah he is getting closer. No,  
yes!"  
"All this retreating, and shooting people  
in the back, doesn't sound very  
noble." Donut said.  
"We're not retreating, we're  
advancing! Towards future  
victory!"   
One question posed itself to Donut, before  
he left them, "How'm I gonna  
find you guys?"  
"Just follow the distress signal  
to its source, you'll find us there."  
"But I don't have a way  
to track it!" Donut argued.  
Simmons was the one who had that.  
"Excellent point Donut."  
"Thank you Sir. Ohh," Donut  
sighed. He made sounds with his  
lips as the robot advanced, and  
advanced, coming agonizingly close.  
"Uhh, God." he said, "Well,  
I've got some time."  
"Attack."  
"Attack."  
"Attack."  
Robot after robot attacked,  
one at a time, attacking something  
unknown.  
"Fastar! Fastar!" O'Malley  
said, laughing, "Pathetic. Lopez!  
How do I say faster in  
Spanish?"  
"Como dice socero, socero.  
Socero socero socero, cerocero."  
Lopez said.  
"Yes, so okay," O'Malley  
said, "What? Okay, got it."  
"Huhuh, soy un pendejo  
púrpuras que gusta tomar  
aceite." In reality, that meant,  
"Hey everyone! I am a purple  
jerk and I love to drink motor  
oil." The robots did not react.  
"That was rather looong to mean hurry  
up." O'Malley said into the  
silence.  
"It's a very poetic  
language."  
"Oh man, it's that creepy  
dude! I wonder why he's  
insulting himself." Donut said,  
arriving behind a rock. "Qué  
curioso." Donut's own  
Spanish was pretty good for he  
said, "How strange."  
"Ooh, the motorcycle!"  
"Mi cola es muy grande. Y  
mi gusta frotar mi cola. Y  
quiero oler mi cola e  
tambiétion besar, a mi cola."  
O'Malley continued, but he did not  
say exactly what he thought he  
said. "Are you sure cola means  
evil?" he asked Lopez.  
"Hey boss, someone is stealing  
your vehicle." Lopez informed as  
Donut began to do just that.  
"Ueuh, drat! I only had  
two payments left!"  
"Do you have insurance on it?"  
"Of course not. It's a scam."  
O'Malley snapped at the  
robot.  
"Why not? We live in a bad  
neighborhood."  
"Of course we live in a bad  
neighborhood. We're evil  
doers! We're what makes the  
neighborhood bad."  
"Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?"  
Church asked. He had found the  
unconscious Tucker lying on the  
ground, the sword gone.  
"Uhhhh, mmm, huh, damn.  
Okay, new rule. We start  
rotating knockouts. Next time,  
it's your turn." Tucker groaned.  
"Hey good idea. And next time  
Caboose decides he wants  
to go around team killing, you can take  
that one."  
"Maybe we should all stick  
to what we know best." CHURCH  
checked Tucker over, then noticed  
something.  
"Hey, where's your weapon?" he  
asked.  
"Do you think she knocked me out for  
fun? This isn't Tuesday dude,  
she took it!" Tucker remarked.  
"Oh man, this is not gonna be  
good." Church grumbled.  
A shadow passed over the robot  
army as someone, or something, came  
to the edge of a cliff.  
"Attack."  
"Hey! A spid," the robot  
in the middle of the group did not have  
time to exclaim as the plasma  
grenade that was thrown, exploded.  
"What was that?!" O'Malley  
barked.  
"Uh oh."  
More grenades explode, taking  
out more, and more of the robots as everyone  
watched.  
"The Great Destroyer has  
arrived. The end is near. The Great  
Destroyer has arrived. The end is  
near." Gary recited, his speech  
quickening, very, very urgent.  
"Lopez, do you see anything?"  
O'Malley asked Lopez as both  
of them hid behind a rock.  
"No, just dead robots everywhere.  
My beautiful robot army  
destroyed." Lopez said.  
"I'm going to sneak around the  
side. Let me know if you see  
anything. Lopez. Lopez!  
Lopez!" O'Malley turned,  
still possessing Doc, as the shadowed  
figure approached. "Ho no!  
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"  
Elsewhere, in a cave,  
Simmons led Grif, and Sarge,  
"Just a little further guys." he said  
as they advanced.  
"You stole that thing all by yourself?"  
Sarge asked as Donut showed off  
his new ride.  
"Yep," the pink soldier  
remarked enthusiastically, "And then  
I ran over the guy that was chasing us.  
And a few other innocent  
pedestrians."  
"I'm so proud of you." Sarge  
remarked.  
"Hyeah, stealing and killing are a  
huge rush. I wish I'd started  
at a much younger age. I caught the  
fever!" Donut exclaimed.  
"Okay, the source of the distress  
signal is right outside this,"  
Simmons paused as they exited  
the cave, "Crap!"  
All Grif could do, upon seeing  
the sight he saw, was scream.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"  
Upon seeing their old home, the  
good ol' canyon of Blood  
Gulch, the Red soldiers looked  
out across it in confusion.  
"This sucks."  
"Wow. She really did a lot  
of damage." Church exclaimed as  
he and Tucker looked out across  
the battlefield, the carnage of  
dead robots piled everywhere.  
"Are you surprised?" Tucker  
asked.  
"No, not really, I guess not."  
"I'll tell you what, it's days  
like today, I'm really glad she's on  
our side."  
"Who's on our side?" Tex  
asked, coming up to the two. "Whoa!  
Who killed all the robots?"  
she looked at the carnage then to the  
Blue soldiers.  
"You did." Church said, almost  
as if it were obvious.  
"No I didn't." Tex  
countered.  
"What?" Church looked at her  
in confusion. She didn't? Then,  
who did?  
"I've been downstairs, trying  
to figure out how to turn this sword  
on." Tex explained.  
"Wait a second." Church  
said, then started off.  
"Just push the power button."  
Tucker said, explaining how  
to activate the sword.  
"I did, that didn't work."  
"Yeah, that's surprising."  
Tucker said sarcastically.  
"The end is near. The Great  
Destroyer has arrived. The end  
is near. The Great Destroyer  
has arrived. The end is near."  
Gary repeated, over and over as  
Church arrived near him. "The Great  
Destroyer has arrived. The end is  
near. The Great Destroyer has  
arrived."  
"Oh come on Gary Gary  
Gary," Church said, looking at  
Gary in confusion as he babbled on,  
and on. "Stop stop stop. Hey if  
Tex is not the Destroyer from the  
prophecy, then who is?"  
For a moment, Gary did not   
respond.  
"Gary?"  
"Knock, knock."  
For a moment, it confused Church  
did not want to answer, but,  
finally he said, "Who's there?"  
And all the while, Church did  
not expect what happened to happen.  
Because something had found him.


End file.
